ON THE TABLE

March 28, 2012

Editor-in-Chief's Note: Our friends at BMW/MINI decided to have a little fun for April Fool's Day. See below. - PMD

(BMW) 

New Amphibious MINI Cooper Yachtsman to Launch in New York…Beside the Hudson River

Woodcliff Lake, NJ – April 1, 2012… MINI customers will be able to boldly go where no motorer has gone before when the all-new MINI Cooper Yachtsman makes its world premiere at the New York International Auto Show next week, right beside the Hudson River.

Designed to bring MINI ownership to people who regard the 70 percent of the earth’s surface covered by water as their home, the new MINI Cooper Yachtsman is a corner-carving crustacean that promises go-kart-like handling and a sensational combination of amphibious* and landphibious performance both on and off the water.

Certain to be as popular in New York harbor as it will be at the Jumeira Palm marina or Monte Carlo harbor, the MINI Cooper Yachtsman is fitted with a shark-resistant undercoating as standard, and can carve through water at speeds up to 61 knots, while promising an equally rewarding driving (but not diving…) experience – on-road or off-land.

“Our exciting MINI Cooper Yachtsman is the ultimate extension of the MINI brand, expanding our line-up to seven models in the USA and offering consumers even more ways to enjoy MINI ownership in a manner best-suited to their individual taste and location,” comments Jim McDowell, Vice President of MINI USA.

“The Yachtsman will become an instant status symbol, a car/boat combo that evokes ‘land/sea envy’ in equal measure.  Originally endorsed by the British Royal Navy**, the Yachtsman brings a new level of versatility to MINI ownership.  So, if you’re cruising along and someone yells ’Lake’ – no worries.  Simply downshift, grab a life-vest, hit the water and let Yachtsman take care of the rest!” adds McDowell.

Showroom appeal of the MINI Cooper Yachtsman is matched by dockside allure as the 169.8 inch long craft sports Reef Blue metallic paintwork contrasting with silver alloy wheels and matching silver rudder.  The exhaust snorkel is finished in body color and the extendable rooftop antenna comes with a ‘get-you-home’ 20-ft white sail (in case of emergency) which can be deployed for zero-emissions sailing.

With room to sleep two people, the cabin features waterproof rip-stop upholstery, seat cushions which double as flotation devices, and a Marine Chronometer for celestial navigation in the event of a sat-nav glitch.  For junior ‘sailors’, the glove box holds MINI-branded water wings, a pirate flag and eye patch. 

Standard equipment features a six-foot marlin rod with roller guides, an international trolling reel with 130-lb test line and (on the port side) the latest MINI safety technology – FLOAT (the Frantic Lever Operated Active Trim) adjuster.  On the starboard side there is a spring-loaded herring chucker.

In line with MINI’s customizable nature, a full range of unique accessories for this latest addition to the MINI product line-up includes a Customizable Klaxon (choice of sea lion, porpoise, sperm whale, dolphin, seagull or mallard duck), and personalized Under-Hull Messaging – recommended factory fitted graphic options such as ‘Suck eggs, Kraken’ and ‘Mermaid Magnet’ are sure to be popular choices.

On sale from April 1st as a model year 2013 vehicle, the Yachtsman combines typical MINI driving and boating fun with the same discerning craftsmanship, select materials, styling and all-round ‘typical British understatement’ that are hallmarks of the world’s leading boat builders.

For propulsion, each MINI Cooper Yachtsman is powered by a turbocharged 1.6-liter four-cylinder engine with a twin-scroll turbocharger, direct injection and variable valve control to generate 181 hp.  Outdrive to the constant-pitch propeller is managed by a specially-fitted gearbox mounted mid-ship with six forward speeds. Although the new model weighs 4,600 lb (fully laden), the sprint from 0 to 60 mph is completed in 6.6 seconds (on land) and in 2.4 minutes (on water).  Top speed (on land) is 141 mph.

Developed after extensive testing of punt prototypes on the River Isis (near MINI’s manufacturing facility in Oxford, England) and in the deep waters off Greenland (where The Kraken of legend lurks), the MINI Cooper Yachtsman is priced at US $236,000 and comes with a fully incomprehensible warranty that includes 3-year no-cost moorage, annual dry-docking and free barnacle removal, for the original captain.

You can see the MINI Cooper Yachtsman on the MINI Stand at the New York International Auto Show in the Jacob Javits Center from Wednesday April 4th.

Chevrolet Marketing. Editor-in-Chief's Note: Chevrolet, make that GM global marketing chief Joel Ewanick, has orchestrated a newly formed company, Commonwealth, to be its new global advertising agency, responsible for the development of creative campaigns across all platforms for Chevrolet global advertising. The Detroit-based Commonwealth is a first-of-its-kind 50-50 joint venture, combining San Francisco-based Goodby, Silverstein & Partners, an Omnicom Group company, and New York-based McCann Erickson Worldwide, an Interpublic Group company. “This is the first time that two large marketing communications holding companies have come together to form a single company,” said Ewanick. “Commonwealth will be based right here in Detroit, and its only focus will be on strengthening and growing Chevrolet into an iconic global brand.” Ewanick is expecting that this new arrangement will create about $2 billion in savings over the next five years, while taking advantage of key global marketing opportunities and strengthening the focus on the global Chevrolet brand. Commonwealth will be guided by an eight-person Global Advisory Board - read cluster f--k - which "will oversee all creative initiatives and strategy for Chevrolet globally. Assignments will be handled through global hubs, which will operate in Detroit, Milan, Mumbai and Sao Paulo, and will ensure consistent global branding across the diversity of local markets." Really? Wow. The board includes Jeff Goodby, who will serve as Creative Chairman; Washington Olivetto, Linus Karlsson and Prasoon Joshi. The four creative leaders "will work in collaboration on all major creative initiatives and resource allocations." Right. This all sounds well and good right now and the savings could be considerable - let me emphasize could be considerable - but when I hear the words "first of its kind 50-50 joint venture" and creative "dream team" and knowing what I do about the ad biz and the way it really operates this could just as easily turn out to be a train wreck of prodigious proportions. All of the players involved have the best intentions at this point and I get that, but the practical realities of this deal are fraught with peril and the opportunities for considerable rancor and ultimately chaos to develop are real and something to watch for. As a matter of fact I'd give it a better than 50-50 chance that this "arrangement" will be plagued with fits and starts and that the savings goal will not be realized any time soon. But hey, sometimes you have to throw things up against the wall and see what sticks, and that's exactly what Mr. Ewanick is attempting with this venture.  Good luck, Joel, you'll need it. (Especially when that perpetual windbag and professional twerp Nick Brien is involved.) - PMD

(GM)
Washington Olivetto, Jeff Goodby, Prasoon Joshi and Linus Karlsson pose while they're still speaking to each other.

The Great Sergio, "60 Minutes." Editor-in-Chief's Note: Did I expect anything less than a puff piece from "60 Minutes" on Sergio Marchionne? No. To begin with, reporter Steve Kroft, whose father apparently worked at Chrysler back in the day and who has fond memories of that time, was never going to paint Sergio with anything but the broadest, most gushingly positive brush. And of course Marchionne's statement that no other CEO would have touched the assignment "with a 10-foot pole" was classic Sergio hubris. Classic in that what he really meant to say by implication was that he was the only CEO brilliant enough to do it. As in "I am the G.O.A.T." - the Greatest auto executive Of All Time. Please. And Kroft, in true "60 Minutes" fashion left everything out that could be construed as being negative (let's not forget that this is the "news" magazine that has been devoid of credibility ever since its memorable "unintended acceleration" hatchet job filled with blatant untruths and falsehoods almost destroyed the Audi brand permanently in this country), or that didn't agree with his sense of glowing nostalgia including the fact that, 1. Marchionne, knowing full well that the U.S. government was painted into a corner and that he was providing the only option became the Opportunist of the Century so that Fiat would then be basically gifted the Chrysler corporation for a song thanks to Sergio's "tough" negotiating stance. Tough negotiating stance? He forced the U.S. Government to acquiesce to his wants, needs and wishes by holding them at figurative gun point. (And Steven Rattner? This guy needs to sit down and shut up. Permanently.) And what about that payback of the U.S. loans "six years early" - ? That was only after Sergio complained loud and clear about the cost of those loans, which was ballsy for someone "gifted" the whole shebang to begin with. (And oh by the way, the payback of those loans allowed Fiat to own 51 percent of Chrysler, which is now an Italian-owned automaker, flat out. Not that Kroft and his producer could be bothered by that salient detail).  2. All of Chrysler's "turnaround" success to date - yes, ALL - came from vehicle programs already in place before Marchionne and his henchmen arrived on the scene. Marchionne has consistently taken credit for the work done by the Chrysler "True Believers" who made that happen and it stinks. That the Great Sergio profusely thanked the little people of Chrysler and talked about "seeing the fear in their eyes" blah, blah, blah was nothing more than orchestrated bullshit. But all that said I'm glad it ran "as is" because now the mainstream media won't have to present an alternative, negative view of Sergio, which after all would require having to do too much damn work. Instead, they can keep kowtowing to "The Sergio Aura" hook, line and sinker, while I happily keep writing about The Dark Side of Sergio. It's a beauitful thing. - PMD

(Toyota)
Toyota will debut an all-new U.S.-designed sedan at the media days of the 2012 New York International Auto Show on April 5th. Toyota says that the sedan’s "exciting new design features an elegant yet athletic look." Uh-huh. We'll see. But as our colleague Jerry Garrett pointed out on Twitter, it's missing its tires. Weird.

(Ford)
Ford has announced that the 2013 Ford Explorer Sport will feature a 350 horsepower 3.5-liter EcoBoost V6, structural chassis enhancements for improved dynamics, and sport design cues. It will be available later this year.

Editor-in-Chief's Note: This week our "Quick Take" has us in a 2012 Audi S5 quattro Coupe. It's no secret that we like the way Audi does things around here and as good as the flavor-of-the-moment A7 is, the S5 Coupe with 6-speed gearbox just may be the best all-around Audi for the enthusiast (and this comes from someone who had an Audi S4).  Everything about this particular Audi is geared for pure driving pleasure. The 354 HP V8 is simply one of the best engines in the business today, and the slick-shifting 6-speed gearbox is perfectly suited for the power and torque at hand. The package size of the Audi Coupe seems to be just right and the crisp, contemporary design has worn well. And the interior refinement and detailing are simply exquisite. I just can't say enough about how good this Audi felt and how well it drives, and that's the bottom line here. It is truly fun to get behind the wheel of this machine and frankly in this day and age of burgeoning anti-car-ism, that says a lot. Some would argue that the Audi S4 is the quintessential driver's car of the Audi lineup, that it's better balanced, lighter on its feet and offers better fuel economy. And I have previously agreed with that statement because I love the S4 in both double-clutch automatic and 6-speed configurations. But the power of the magnificent V8 in the S5 just cannot be denied. It transforms this Audi into a formidable machine to be reckoned with that's satisfying in all aspects. (Okay, if you hammer it the mileage is shitty, but please don't be one of those people who gets a high-performance machine like this and then complains on your J.D. Power survey about the mileage. That's auto dork-ism at its lowest.) Is the S5 as good as the V8-powered M3? No way. The M3 is a heroic, hardcore monster that delivers more of everything, with an unbridled way of piling on speed like a runaway freight train. (As for you Bimmer purists out there who suggest that the only M3 worth talking about is one with a six-cylinder, I beg to differ. Simply stated, the V8-powered M3 will go down as one of the greatest high-performance machines of all time.) But the S5 is very, very good at what it does and for the enthusiasts who don't need to go the hardcore route but still want a V8, it just may be perfect. How would I rate the three best driving Audi machines currently? 1. The Audi R8 V8 6-speed. (What, no gonzo V10? No. As great as the V10 R8 is I'd take the V8 6-speed all day long. It sounds better and is lighter on its feet. And if any of you out there ever wondered about what a mid-engined Corvette might feel and sound like, the R8 V8 would be damn close, with a German accent, of course.) 2. The Audi S5 Coupe 6-speed. Yes, I rate it higher than the wildly impressive S4. Why? Mainly because of its beautiful V8 and the seamless way the rest of the car works with that stellar engine. And 3., the S4. I thought that the S4 with the double-clutch automatic was damn-near perfect, until I drove one with a 6-speed. Then I loved that configuration better. The S4 is still a great all-around car, but the Audi S5 V8 with 6-speed gearbox is just too damn irresistible to ignore. Needless to say, Audi has it goin' on. And if your automotive jones veers toward V8s and 6-speeds, you owe it to yourself to give the S5 a close hard look. - PMD

2012 Audi S5 quattro MT6 Coupe, $65,450 (Base Price, $53,900; Monsoon Gray metallic, $475; Pearl Silver interior, Included; Six-speed manual transmission, Included; S5 Prestige model - Audi adaptive light, Audi advanced key, Audi side assist, Audi MMI Navigation plus, Bang & Olufsen Sound System, Stitched-leather door armrests in Fine Nappa, Rear acoustic parking sensors - $6,300; quattro with sports differential, $1,100; Titanium package - 19" 5-arm-Rotor-designed wheels, summer tires, Exterior mirror housings in body color, Black-optic exterior package - $1,000; Carbon Atlas interior inlays, $500; Front filler panel, Included; Rearview Camera Prep, Included; Gas Guzzler Tax, $1,300; Destination Charge, $875)

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