ON THE TABLE

April 1, 2009

GM. The newly-reinvigorated car company with the Obama monkeys on its back announced an innovative new incentive program to get people to buy its cars and trucks this morning. "We didn't like the last one we announced yesterday," said Mark La Neve, GM's marketing chief. "It didn't go far enough and it was too restrictive." Called the "Frickin' Kitchen Sink America!" plan, GM is offering its vehicles for free (one per household), as long as the purchaser drives it for two full years, services it only at GM approved dealers, and agrees to pay full sticker for another GM car costing at least $25,000 at the end of the purchase contract's term. "We're not makin' any frickin' money right now anyway," said new GM CEO Fritz Henderson. "So, this seems like a real good way to go."

Fritz Henderson. Asked how GM would be different under his regime in a press conference yesterday, Fritz Henderson bristled, "It won't be any damn different. It was my plan that the Obama auto task force rejected, and now I'm going to re-do it for like the millionth time in the last eight weeks." In a follow-up question, a reporter said, "Huh?"

New GM Board of Directors. Radical changes keep coming for General Motors at a rapid clip. Eight new members and a new non-executive chairman of the GM Board of Directors were named today, including "Jeopardy" host Alex Trebek, "Sopranos" actor Tony Sirico, loud "The View" comedian Joy Behar, Food Queen Rachel Ray, former Oklahoma and Dallas Cowboy football coach Barry Switzer, basketball coaching legend Bob Knight, former Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, annoying, self-absorbed writer, Mitch Albom, and non-executive chairman, NBA owner Mark Cuban. "The last board basically stunk up the joint so we figured we'd give this lineup a shot, " said the President's Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs.

Robert Hickson. The president of Ready Fasteners, a 23-person company in Bucyrus, Ohio, that makes fasteners and other assorted widgets for the Detroit automakers was suddenly sacked last night after a messenger from the White House arrived at his office late yesterday to inform him of the news. "We needed to make a change for the best interest of the United States and its taxpayers," the statement from the White House said. Florence Ballard, Mr. Hickson's administrative assistant, had this to say: "Mr. Hickson is a good man and he cared about his company and the people who worked here. We just couldn't churn out the stuff we make fast enough with him running the show, I guess." The White House is asking Ready Fasteners to enter into talks with Ron's Lawn Supply, over in Marion, Ohio, to form some sort of operating agreement. "That will be a real problem," Ms. Ballard said. "Those two haven't spoken since High School when Ron dropped that pass from Bob in the end zone and they lost a chance to go to the state football playoffs." Mr. Hickson was last seen riding away on his bike late yesterday and no one has seen him since.

Crazy Fucking Bastards. In a dramatic shift in the tone and tempo for the Obama administration, a shake up has been ordered for the President's auto task force by the White House. AE obtained a highly confidential memo that was passed on to us without comment or explanation, jointly signed by Henchman-in-Chief Steven Rattner, chief economic adviser Lawrence Summers and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. The memo was a long, rambling and at times shocking diatribe targeted "at the spineless weasels, touchy-feely spear carriers and pathetic losers wandering around here doing a lot of nothing." No specific names were mentioned, but it's clear by the harsh language and unforgiving tone that real change is in the offing at the White House. "We're going to shake things up," the memo concluded. "We're gonna institute Margarita Hour on Fridays after 3 o'clock, and we're going to go out and recruit some real crazy fucking bastards to liven things up around here. Over and out." The White House refused all of our requests for comment.

U.S. Consumers. In a major change in policy, the Obama Administration has already revised its just-announced Cash for Clunkers Plan. Called the Cash for Anything Plan, it encourages Americans to turn in - well - anything, in exchange for cold, hard cash. Got an old blender lying around? That'll get you 25 bucks. How about an old washer or dryer? Fifty bucks. An old pair of slippers? Two bucks. One of Fido's chewed-up bones? Fifty cents. You name it - the U.S. Government's buying it. The plan is to hold the "World's Largest Tag Sale" on the National Mall to sell everything that's collected. Asked to explain the choice of the Fourth of July for the sale, White House spokesperson Mindy Mayberry exclaimed, "Just name a more American pastime than shopping - go ahead, name one! I mean, come on, it's the National Mall, people!" She then regained her composure and added, "The President sincerely believes that one man's trash is another man's treasure." Plans for "burgers & brats & all the fixin's" at the conclusion of the sale were unconfirmed at press time.

See another live episode of "Autoline After Hours" hosted by Autoline Detroit's John McElroy, withPeter De Lorenzo and auto industry PR veteran Jason Vines this Thursday evening, April 9, at 7:00PM EDT at www.autolinedetroit.tv. Special guest- and industry anyalyst extraordinaire -Maryann Kellerwill join us. You can chat with us "live" too. Again, that's "AutolineAfter Hours"this Thursday evening, April 9, at 7:00PM EDT at www.autolinedetroit.tv.