THE AUTOEXTREMIST STUPID METER, PART I.

Editor's Note: This week, we present Part I of the Autoextremist Stupid Meter, because, well, there's an abundance of "stupid" going on right now! In On The Table, we preview the 2025 Chevrolet Tahoe and Suburban. And our AE Song of the Week is "Holding Back The Years" by Simply Red. In Fumes, Peter presents the final chapter in his series about Jim Hall's Chaparral racing team. And finally, in The Line, we cover the unveiling of the new American entry in MotoGP from Trackhouse Racing. Enjoy! -WG

By Peter M. DeLorenzo  

Detroit. A lot of things have been bugging me of late (No, really? -WG), and it’s time to take stock of that list. Everything from stupid vehicles, stupid things, stupid trends to stupid everything, in fact. Why? Because I think that things – and people – are sliding by without being called out for their stupidity, and it has to stop. So, it’s the perfect time to reintroduce the Autoextremist Stupid Meter, because there’s a crying, whimpering, desperate need for it, for starters. And oh, by the way, every single one of the following examples “pegs” the AE Stupid Meter. 

I will start with the stupid vehicles running rampant on the streets and byways of this country right now. The giant trucks and SUVs that are passing for everyday transportation these days are just flat-out embarrassingly stupid. It’s hard to imagine that these manufacturers and their salivating customers have gotten to the point of thinking that it’s all okay, that rolling down the highway in a 6,000-lb. – and more – vehicle is somehow acceptable.  

This just in: It isn’t. 

Take a good long look at the new Chevrolet Colorado. The dimensions of this truck are pretty close to the dimensions of what was considered to be a “standard” pickup truck a little more than a decade ago. And as far as I’m concerned, it should be the size of today’s standard pickup, and no larger.   

I cringe when I’m at a stoplight and I look over to see that a front bumper of a Ford F-150, Chevy Silverado, or Ram pickup is eye-level with my view out my side window. Now, I barely passed physics in high school (he had a bit of a focus problem, don’t you know – WG), but I know a physical mismatch when I see one. I don’t care that the “official” crash tests insist that you could survive a side impact with one of these behemoths, because who’s kidding whom? And add the “super duty” versions of these trucks to the mix, which are even higher off of the ground, and heavier and needless to say, things aren’t going to go well for you in a crash. (Not to mention the chaos these vehicles are causing in parking lots.)

And why, exactly, are these “super duty” versions being used by people for trundling around town to begin with? Just a casual observation, but it appears to me that a very small percentage of these monster trucks are actually being used for towing, which is what they’re designed for to begin with. Generally speaking, all of these trucks are too big and way too heavy to be used for “transportation.” But is this stupid trend going to end anytime soon? Not as long as these manufacturers are printing money building and marketing them, which is a whole ‘nother level of stupidity when it comes right down to it (See below -WG). 

Speaking of too heavy and too stupid, how did we get to the point that 5,000 lbs.+ has become basically the acceptable weight for most – I will stress not all – EVs? One of my biggest problems with EVs – among many that I’ve delineated in past columns – is that they weigh too damn much. Yes, I get it, battery weight is the culprit, but how did it become okay for this to be a thing? The Porsche Taycan weighs 5,000 lbs. The Ford F-150 Lightning EV pickup weighs over 6,000 lbs. That Muskian Nightmare of a “truck” that was just introduced starts at 6500 lbs. The Rivian R1T weighs over 7,000 lbs. The GMC Hummer tops out at over 9,000 lbs.  

Yes, I also get that the pace of battery development is accelerating exponentially, which means the weight will come down and the efficiency will get better, but the current situation is flat-out unacceptable. It’s akin to having a bunch of heavy-duty work trucks rolling around suburbia. Whichever side of the EV “thing” you come down on, the weight of these things – and the weight of the current class of full-size pickups – is beyond stupid. And the fact that people just seem to shrug their shoulders and go along with this stupidity while these vehicles pound our roads and bridges into smithereens is unconscionable. 

But wait, there’s more stupid to discuss. The current marketing of pickup trucks seems to thrive on stupidity. Take the words “tough,” “adventure,” “America” and “American Built” along with some other go-to words, put them all in the Giant Advertising Cliché Hopper and voila! – a new truck commercial emerges. 

Is this bad? I’m not sure if "bad" is the right adjective in this case. It’s expected, predictable, formulaic, rote and unimaginative. It’s also a study in abject mediocrity. I’ve often wondered – and this goes for all three of the domestic-based truck manufacturers plus Toyota - why these manufacturers continue to show their trucks blithely pounding the off-road landscape into submission. I guess that the hoary notion of “tread lightly” is no longer a thing. Instead, these manufacturers show their trucks engaging in stupid off-road behavior every chance they get. I understand the fact that off-road "cred" is the thing nowadays when pushing trucks and SUVs, but it grew tedious years ago, and it seems to be getting worse and more pronounced with each new commercial. To what end, exactly? 

In ancient times – at the height of the muscle car era – high performance was used to sell the entire lineup. A family would arrive in a Chevrolet showroom drawn in by the Corvette on display and leave with a Malibu. The same for Ford dealers, who showcased the Mustang to sell a Fairlane. It’s just the way it was done. A prospective buyer may not have been able to afford that optional 289 V8, but just the thought that the "rub-off" was there was enough – at least until he or she could swing for that optional V8. 

Today, the off-road "thing" seems to be driving everything. A buyer may not be poised to journey to Moab for a weeklong adventure, but it’s the thought that they could if they wanted to that seems to be the overriding message. And the manufacturers are exploiting every inch of this idea every chance they get, even if the only "adventures" their buyers get close to are scaling the plowed snow piles at Costco and navigating the congested parking lots at Home Depot and Lowes. 

For the moment, these buyers’ attitudes are generating big money for the car companies fielding a plethora of real and faux off-road entries. Again, it’s time-honored and predictable, but what happens next? I’ll tell you what happens next. The manufacturers will continue to show their charges pounding the cowering landscape until there’s another shift in the tone and tempo of the times.  

Maybe it will be people shifting their desires to want their vehicles to remind them of bunny rabbits and rainbows. Or maybe people will go full gritty and want their vehicles to look like they might survive the next Apocalypse. Whatever it might be, I have full confidence that the stupidity will continue. And the need for the Autoextremist Stupid Meter will go on pretty much indefinitely. 

And that’s the High-Octane Truth for this week. 

Editor's Note: Click on "Next 1 Entries" at the bottom of this page to see previous issues. - WG