SMOKIN’ UAPs.

By Peter M. DeLorenzo

Detroit. In case you missed it, “Unidentified Aerial Phenomenon” is the new, official U.S. Military term for what were formerly known as “UFOs.” It remains to be seen if we’re any closer to finding out about – in the immortal words of Vince Lombardi - exactly What The Hell Is Goin’ On Out There, but it seems that decades of denying that there was some strange shit going on up in the skies has finally been put to rest, because this just in: apparently, it’s a veritable feast of UAPs out there all the time.

Am I surprised? No. But the timing of this revelation happens to have unmasked the other UAPs that exist in this world, in this case, Unidentified Automotive Phenomenon, or - in a nod to Bob Seger’s album, “Smokin’ O.P.’s.” - the Smokin’ UAP.

Now, these Unidentified Automotive Phenomenon have been occurring over the last couple of decades in this business, but it’s always fun to be reminded about some of the more notable sightings. 

The “Unlimited Pie” UAP: This disc-shaped, mind-altering UAP is a favorite of auto executives around the world. Unexplainable and inexplicable, this phenomenon used to be confined to background screens hovering over auto executives appearing at auto shows while presenting to the carpal-tunnel-warped media and announcing to all present that their new BelchFire Dynamo would capture 35 percent of whichever segment they’re aiming at. The only problem was that a half-dozen auto operatives appearing before and after them promised the same exact thing, resulting in a sales “pie” that totaled up to, oh, around 320 percent. The reason this qualifies as a UAP is the fact that no one bothers to point out this fundamental math discrepancy, so it remains unidentified. In fact, we’re in the throes of a completely new burst of “Unlimited Pie” UAPs as auto companies are lining up to boast about the future market share and success of their EV pickups, when some of them haven’t even figured out how they’re going to build them yet. 

The “Mysterious Blue Orb” UAP: These mirror-like orbs seem to regularly appear in the oddest places, but their most pronounced visibility is orbiting around certain CEOs’ heads. That they are rumored to masquerade as those ubiquitous lawn ornaments and then rise in the night sky undetected has not been confirmed, but has anyone with these blue orbs actually accounted for their whereabouts at all times? The power of these orbs has been well documented, because their mirrored, reflective surface allow CEOs to talk to themselves in a Stuart Smalley-like monologue, usually right before a press conference intro. 

These Blue Orbs allow certain CEOs to voraciously digest their press coverage and actually start believing that they’re somehow better than everyone else, usually ably abetted by certain sniveling, sycophantic members of the press. Their pre-press conference speeches always go something like this (while looking at their reflection in their Blue Orb): “I’m going to put on a good show today because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me!” Even though in most cases, that couldn’t be further from the truth.

The “Elusive Loss Leader” UAP. The rarest Unidentified Automotive Phenomenon over the last several decades have been the “loss leader” vehicles produced by the auto companies to establish their base prices in every segment. These elusive vehicles have almost never been seen at the dealerships, however. In fact, the last time one appeared was in a grainy black & white photograph taken on a back lot of a suburban Detroit Chevy dealership back in ’72. Oh, sure, there have been claims of many sightings since then, but when special response teams showed up to investigate, the stories always fell apart. Suffice to say that at this point, this is one UAP that can be retired, because it never existed to begin with.

The “Magical Hovering CEO” UAP. This relatively new Unidentified Automotive Phenomenon goes well beyond the usual swamp gas formations and unexplained forest lights that describe the more mundane UAP appearances. This phenomenon originated with, and has been dutifully reported by, certain self-anointed “stellar” members of the aforementioned bootlicking sycophantic automotive press. The theory is that certain CEOs are so remarkably gifted, so resolutely brilliant and so fluent in all things “car” that reports of them hovering over their acolytes and actually walking on water have been trickling out with implied certainty. No one tethered to reality actually believes any of this, of course, but there is no doubt that there’s a burgeoning cottage industry in spreading this ugly fantasy.

The “Track Star” UAP. There are many, many confirmed sightings of this particular UAP, primarily at the Nurburgring Nordschleife in Germany, and in broad daylight too. This strange phenomenon fixates on the useless notion of running SUVs – exclusively produced by the German auto manufacturers, of course – around the world’s most famous road course to set a “fast” time that is apropos of exactly nothing. The frequency of the “sightings” has grown beyond tedious, because no one really gives a shit. In fact, this UAP has officially transitioned to becoming a TAP, for Tedious Automotive Phenomenon.

And that’s the High-Electron Truth for this week.