THE MAGIC FORMULA AND OTHER AUTOMOTIVE ATROCITIES.

By Peter M. De Lorenzo

Detroit. You may have noticed – despite the intense Fog of War on the political scene over the weekend – that the new Alfa Romeo Giulia made its debut to the automotive media last week.

If you happened to take notice of this event – and it was hard not to notice it due to the mass regurgitation of info by select members of the automotive press – the takeaway from all the foaming at the mouth and the relentless feel-good blather about the new Giulia is this:

1. It’s the latest and greatest thing since sliced bread.

2. It’s able to leap its competitors in a single bound.

3. It will immediately take its place among the hottest German (and American) driver’s machines.

Now, before we get into that, a little background is in order. It’s no secret that Alfa Romeo’s much-touted return to these shores has been a fiasco of monumental proportions. Lest you forget, FCA ringleader Sergio “I’m The G.O.A.T” Marchionne has been touting the magnificence of his plan for Alfa for going on eight years now.

From the beginning, Alfa was going to be the showpiece of his brilliant strategy to project FCA into the pantheon of great automotive conglomerates. At first he convinced potential business people – many of whom are now regretting the decision – to commit brick and motor to become Fiat dealers, selling it as the greatest opportunity to come along in the car business for at least the last 25 years. And that if they did commit to doing so they would have the inside track to sell Alfa Romeo cars, and an “opportunity” to participate in the glorious resurrection of a famous Italian brand, one that had been long relegated to the dustbin of American automotive marketing history.

That basically none of this has worked out has become the bitterly harsh reality for the dealers who got duped by Marchionne, because the Italian snake oil salesman extraordinaire sold them a complete bill of goods. Fiat was a lost brand when it faded from the American market decades ago, and now it’s the new lost brand that operates in the shadowy margins of today’s market, appealing to consumers who were sucked in by quirky advertising while at the same time being oddly - and inexplicably - comfortable with the notion of nonexistent resale and piss-poor quality.

And that’s even before we get into the almost criminal handling of Alfa Romeo by Marchionne. Alfa has been a nonstarter for going on a decade now. The first foray on behalf of the brand was the 4C sports car, which on paper was supposed to lead the brand out of the wilderness because of its carbon fiber passenger cell, tightly wound turbo 4-cylinder engine and cat-quick reflexes. But its biggest drawback was that it was grossly overpriced - $20,000 less would have made for a different story – so it turned out to be a mildly amusing albeit glorified track car suitable for billiard-smooth fantasy roads, and a machine completely unrealistic for daily use.

But remember, The Great Sergio actually sold the FCA dealers on the notion that selling Fiats would be “the gateway” to swimming in untold riches from selling Alfa Romeo cars, and that the brand would be “the next Audi,” selling upwards of 75,000 cars by 2018. When you go back and reread that ridiculous assertion it’s no wonder that Fiat dealers are beyond bitter and recoil in disgust every time they’re forced to listen to Marchionne.

And now, enter the Giulia. This is the car that has Marchionne braying into the wind and shouting from the rooftops that this time he really means it. The Giulia is the sports sedan that will put his face on the Mt. Rushmore of automotive greats. It will be the living, breathing - and fitting - testament to his unquestioned brilliance and the car that will solidify his iconic place in automotive history. Oh, and by the way, it will be allegedly beneficial to the dealers, too, at least the ones who still bother to listen to Sergio’s vacuous boasts. (But who’s kidding whom here? The dealers are just the necessary pawns in Marchionne’s swirling maelstrom of calculated cacophony. The Giulia is about his legacy first, and I pity the fools who choose to ignore that fact.)

So let’s put a few other things on the table, shall we? The super-hot version of this new Alfa – the Giulia Quadrifoglio - is promised by the end of this year. Now, given Marchionne’s absolutely dismal record in this department that translates into maybe 20 cars total spread among Alfa dealers across the country – arriving on December 31^st. Actually that’s an optimistic figure, because Marchionne only needs one to roll off the boat on that day to qualify as keeping his promise. And that’s what I expect will happen.

The other thing to consider is that no matter how good the new Giulia is on paper or in early seat-of-the-pants impressions, it will be extraordinarily difficult to cover up the fact that FCA is serially incapable of building quality machinery, especially if the cars originate in Italy. And guess what, folks? That just will not cut it in today’s market. Not even for a second.

So taking the background of this sordid story into account then, just what gives with the slobbering “first impression” reviews of the new Giulia? How did it happen, or better yet, why did it happen?

Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret that’s not so secret. What went on with the Giulia is taken right from the time-honored automotive PR handbook. And these accrued “ingredients” have been proven over the last 60 years or so and been honed to the degree that it’s now a “Magic Formula” that pretty much guarantees that great reviews are generated for a new car no matter what. This “Formula” is made up of the following two hard and fast rules:

Rule No. 1: Any new car intro must be in a desirable “fly away” locale. Automotive journalists hate being invited to local media ride and drives. Let me say this again: They don’t just dislike them a little bit, they hate even the thought of them with every fiber of their being. Why is this, you might ask? Because only a handful of the card-carrying members of the automotive media actually make real money, the rest look forward to the trips that the manufacturers provide to go get immersed in their new products. They may not get paid well, but they get to go to swell places and drive the latest wonder cars before anyone else. That is the perk of the job. Some make a career out of it, others wake up and discover that they need to actually make some money and wander off to become PR minions at the manufacturers. It’s a Hard-Knock Life.

One of the most memorable examples of Rule No. 1 was the now-infamous GM Global Product Conference orchestrated for immediately after the 24 Hours of Le Mans back in 2000. The race marked Cadillac’s debut in the prototype class and the expectations - and anticipation - were high. Inviting a few journalists to the race on Cadillac’s dime was just one part of the plan, because immediately after the race something like 500 members of the media were invited to the conference, which would take place the following week in a bucolic setting in Italy. All of GM’s top brass were on hand and the idea was that they would impress upon the assembled journalists there that the company had it goin’ on. It was admittedly a little embarrassing that Cadillac’s Le Mans effort had gone up in flames – literally – but a damn fine time was had by all and as you might imagine it was a financial blowout of ginormous proportions.

So what did Sergio’s PR minions do for the Giulia? They flew select media out to Napa Valley, California, last week for a few days of flogging the car and merriment in Wine Country. What could possibly go wrong? Well, nothing, as the assembled media types responded in kind – falling all over themselves, actually - with glowing reviews of the new Giulia.

Rule No. 2: Even better, any “fly away” car intro must have access to a racetrack as part of the trip. This is just as important as Rule No. 1 when it comes right down to it. The German manufacturers have specialized in this for years by financing media trips to famous racetracks all over the world, with the Nürburgring Nordschleife being the Holy Grail of all press trips. And every once in a while Ferrari trots out a trip for a select few to its headquarters in Maranello when they’re really aching for some feel good press.

You have to understand that all automotive journalists believe that they are excellent drivers, and some in fact, are. But too many are blatant, ham-fisted hacks behind the wheel and the opportunity to show their peers their – ahem - prowess on the racetrack is something that’s pretty much impossible to resist. (And as you might imagine, there has been many an ugly incident over the years as journalists with varying degrees of capability have banged a press car off of a guard rail, or much worse.)

So what do the FCA PR minions present as part of the “lure” of the Giulia press intro? Flogging time at Sonoma Raceway, which is conveniently near Napa Valley. And boy, did they hit the jackpot by doing that. Unleash journalists in the hottest version of the Giulia with 500HP and the words praising the Giulia came gushing out with a level of unbridled euphoria the likes of which I hadn’t read since, well, the last manufacturer let loose the carpal tunnel-challenged media hordes on a racetrack on the previous press trip.

So just so we’re clear here, go ahead and read all the glowing reviews of the Giulia you wish, but understand why and how those words came about. I would say about ten percent of the reviews I’ve read have real perspective. The rest? Pure heavily orchestrated - and unmitigated - bullshit.

And then pause for a moment and remind yourself of the dealers who have spent hard-earned cash on Marchionne’s whims and wishes for years now. And the new chapter in hell “The Great Sergio” is about to put them through.

Will the new Alfa Romeo Giulia have its charms? I don’t doubt that it will.

Will FCA be able to build it with a modicum of acceptable quality at anywhere near the volume Marchionne is promising?

Given what I know of what has been overpromised and underdelivered throughout the G.O.A.T.’s tenure here, the answer is a big, fat…

No. Frickin’. Way.

And that’s the High-Octane Truth for this week.

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