VW BLOWS IT, SERGIO LOSES IT AND QUEEN MARY DISRUPTS IT. AND A NEW KING OF THE AUTO WORLD? OH NO, WALTER, I THINK WE'RE SCREWED. CUE THE DANCING DRONES, IT'S TIME FOR THE AUTOEXTREMIST YEAR IN REVIEW!

By Peter M. De Lorenzo

Detroit. Well, that was special. With 2015 shaping up to be the greatest sales year in automotive history here in the U.S., the capacity for grandiose exaggeration and serial over-promising by legions of auto executives who should know better has been a thing of scary beauty to behold, sort of like a train wreck looming just around Rainbow Bend in Lollipop Land.

What can be said about 2015 that hasn’t already been said? Plenty, actually, because lost in the euphoria of The Best Year Ever, myriad things went so very, very wrong that it’s hard to fathom it all.

Where to start? Well, VW cheated on emissions testing, got caught red-handed and then admitted that there was a culture of subterfuge going on inside the company when it came to meeting U.S. diesel emissions standards. Why did this happen? VW’s top engineers lived in such fear of the tyrannically mercurial Ferdinand Piech that instead of saying the words “it can’t be done” and disappointing him – which meant certain expulsion to seat-warmer development, or worse – they just went ahead and built in an electronic cheating device that would kick in when the cars were undergoing EPA tests.

Bad decision? Well, let’s just say that doesn’t even begin to cover it. This one boneheaded scenario managed to do two things no one thought possible: 1. Destroy the vaunted reputation for German engineering excellence literally overnight. I mean, let’s be clear here: they admitted that they couldn’t figure out how to meet the standards. As in, WTF? And 2. Destroyed the VW brand image in this country and around the world in one fell swoop.

Five minutes ago, the toughest automotive marketing job in the world was convincing import-oriented consumers that Cadillac is worth a serious look. Cadillac chief Johan de Nysschen and his chief marketing honcho Uwe Ellinghaus have a tough slog that will still be going on long after they depart to other stages of life. But that challenging assignment has been eclipsed - in terms of sheer scope and difficulty - by the VW mess.

As I said previously, VW's image among its loyalists - TDI buyers in particular - is toast. But it goes much deeper than that. The VW brand has dined on the legacy of its counter-culture roots in this country for decades, even though VW quietly transitioned to being a fairly predictable car company long ago, and it has been amazing to see older customers cling to an aura for VW that plainly didn't exist, except in their minds.

Yes, VW made a solid case for itself over the years with its many GTI and R iterations (still some of my favorite cars), but that niche wasn't enough to sustain the brand here, and their product cadence meandered in fits and starts as VW’s German marketing overlords stumbled about, arrogantly thinking that they had it all figured out. Well, they clearly didn't and now the brand is toxic, a symbol of corporate malfeasance on a grand scale. And there aren't enough cute TV commercials or precious marketing and PR efforts that will turn things around for VW in this market anytime soon.

I see VW taking a deep slide here, and I predict that a large chunk of their dealer network will either walk away or simply close, because not only did VW customers get screwed by “The Man,” the realization that “The Man” was in fact VW itself made it a thousand times worse.

The only thing that will save the VW brand at this point is breakthrough product entries that stand alone in the market. Products that march to a different drummer and attract consumers with their authenticity and indisputable merits, much like the original Beetle did, come to think of it. VW is embarking on a long, hard road, and it's going to get uglier and tougher before even a sliver of light will appear off in the distance.

And then there was the massive, take-them-to-the-woodshed fine and consequences - $70 million or thereabouts – that FCA got slapped with for its, ahem, less-than-exuberant response to their seemingly never-ending recalls. Oh, let’s just call it for what it is: a laissez-faire attitude about recalls in general that starts right at the top with one Sergio Marchionne. I must say, after being the voice in the wilderness about Marchionne and his espresso-swilling minions for many years now, I was not surprised about this development in the least.

When I observed the attitude that came with Marchionne and his posse, the attitude that suggested, no, make that emphatically insisted that he was the smartest guy in the room - any room - and that he would set the automobile business as practiced here in the Motor City straight once and for all, I knew trouble was not far behind. In fact it was a fait accompli that FCA would end up where it is today.

Why? Because the fog of arrogance that permeates Auburn Hills is palpable. It's as if these Italians have no time for the "stilted" ways of Detroit, even though the inside word in this business is that the processes and approaches they brought with them were so antiquated when they showed up on the scene in Auburn Hills that the True Believers were in shock at first. And then they collectively and immediately understood why Fiat had been in a constant shit storm for the last four decades.

The Marchionne arrogance has worked in other ways, too, especially for suppliers. It was not uncommon for suppliers to bid on a project, present their numbers, and then have a member of Sergio's posse say, "That's nice, now cut that number in half and we'll talk." So is it any real surprise that Marchionne viewed the piss-ants at NHTSA in Washington as a mere annoyance, something that he could swat away and stonewall until this whole mess blew over? Right? And of course he was so very, very wrong.

The fact of the matter is that the willful arrogance displayed by Marchionne and his henchmen cost FCA dearly. Make no mistake, Marchionne believes that he is damn-near invincible, and that Americans in general worry too much about such things as product defects and recalls. (And given Fiat's time-honored and woefully piss-poor record of reliability and durability, this whole thing is even less of a surprise.)

But then again this is Sergio's Folly to bear. He lives in a giant Me Cloud of his own making, a grandiose state of delusion that has him hovering over a world of compliant sycophants and agreeable head-nodders who bow to his every whim and wish because after all, the sooner we all acquiesce to his view of the world the better off this industry will be. And that's a giant bowl of delusional bullshit too.

I feel sorry for the True Believers in Auburn Hills who have to put up with that Unctuous Prick masquerading as industry savior every day, but I have to say that I am thrilled Marchionne and his espresso-swilling posse got burned, because they got exactly what they deserved.

Now, maybe some of the lesser lights in the automotive media will stop handing Marchionne a free pass, stop doing his bidding and start painting a far more accurate picture of him. Oh hell, what am I thinking? That's nevergonnahappen.com.

I, on the other hand will keep hammering away at this deal-making, carpetbagging mercenary because, well, someone has to do it.

But VW’s travails and FCA’s stonewalling were just two of the highlights of the year. We have so much more to cover. Queen Mary ruled over the GM ignition switch fiasco while trying to mend the company’s “culture” through "disruption." A tall and futile order indeed, but hey, she gets a platinum star for trying. And Audi, BMW and Mercedes continued to beat on each other for luxury segment supremacy, filling niche upon niche – both real and imagined – hell-bent on putting one of their models in every garage in America. But then again those are just the high hard ones.

(Editor’s Note: Caution, this column is not meant for single-sitting viewing. Take breaks, have a smoke and a pancake, drink a gallon of coffee and break out the Tito’s. Trust us, it goes much better that way. –WG)

So let’s get on with it, shall we? The Autoextremist Year in Review begins right now.

Let’s go back to that halcyon day in January at the start of a fresh New Year and on the eve of another Detroit Auto Show, when the industry was full of promise and everything was beautiful and the open-ended questions were all encompassing…

We will, of course, be treated to the annual train wreck in Cobo Hall, whereupon each manufacturer will tout its wares, promising a percentage sales increase that will cumulatively add up to a market pie somewhere north of 150 percent. That’s right, in an amazing cessation of all known mathematical equations, auto company executives will get up in front of the assembled media (and legions of hangers-on), and one after another boast and brag of untold future sales success, at the expense of their competitors, ignoring, of course those niggling realities of the market at large. (BEAUTIFUL THINGS AND LINGERING QUESTIONS. - 1/7/2015)

Unfettered by rhyme or reason, with a seemingly fleeting grasp of reality. The German manufacturers are remarkably adept at adding niche upon niche to their portfolios in the interest of having all possible bases covered, unable to see the Black Forest for the trees. It’s a remarkable display of hubris and arrogance that never gets old, because as you’re tripping over an endless sea of cars and SUVs in the Audi, BMW and Mercedes-Benz displays, you come to the stark realization that they have created an alternative autoverse for themselves. (1/7)

Those Lingering Questions? There were a few notables…

The Buick product lineup is worthy of a cohesive marketing strategy. The Buick brain trust is apparently incapable of grappling with that notion. Will Buick actually come up with a real ad campaign or will they continue to go with their glorified – and embarrassing – Tier 2 shtick and call it good? The pathetic thing is that Buick marketers actually believe that what they’re doing is brilliant advertising and that it has turned the tide for the Buick brand. Au contraire. It’s a pathetic excuse for having a distinct lack of an idea. (1/7)

The tunnel vision and the prosciutto-encrusted hubris know no bounds out in Auburn Hills, that’s plainly obvious. How long will FCA milk the Jeep and pickup truck bandwagon before the realization sets in that they’re a Jeep and truck company (with a few hot rods and cool cop cars thrown in for good measure) and not much else? Never. Sergio and his posse think they know better than everyone else, and they will never admit that the passenger car thing and the Fiat thing are nonstarters. (1/7)

Smart's fifteen minutes was over, uh, five years ago. When will the Smart car folly die once and for all? For everything that’s sacred and holy in this business, and for the legacy of the auto giants that came before, this story should have been over years ago. But for Dieter Zetsche, the Chief Executive of Hubris at Daimler, the delusion runs deep. (1/7)

Maserati? Why? Let’s be real here, why would anyone – other than the fringe enthusiast who wants to drive something different to the club - venture into a Maserati showroom? Given the serious players in the field, the ones with much more accomplished track records in terms of image and resale performance, Maserati will remain nothing more than a miniscule niche of a niche. (1/7)

NSX? What NSX? There was nothing even remotely close to the unveiling of the Ford GT at the Detroit Auto Show. Oh, there were other intros of note to be sure, but the new Ford supercar was so far and away the best thing to happen at Cobo Hall that the rest of the introductions seemed like they were at another, quieter show. (BOLTS, DOLTS, VAPOR MARKETING AND THE ANNUAL DANCE OF THE DRONES: THE HITS AND MISSES FROM THE DETROIT AUTO SHOW. - 1/14)

Halle-frickin-luja! For once the PR Minions didn't screw it up. The Ford GT was a surprise for a number of reasons, but mainly because Ford was able to keep a lid on the machine and resist the usual temptation to have preview media showings and other excitement busters that have long been tricks of the PR trade in this business. That Ford executives bought into the "let’s keep it a surprise" right down to the last second was commendable and made the impact of the reveal that much more exciting. Simply remarkable in this digitally obsessed day and age. (1/14)

(newspressUSA)
The Ford GT.

Welcome to the Sea of Vagueness, which is hard by the Straits of Neither Here Nor There. The new Chevrolet display was nicely updated (and special mention should be made of the intro video that they were running, which was beautifully done). And the freshened Volt was interesting, but Chevy sales chief Alan Batey apparently forgot he was “miked-up” as he shouted at the assembled multitudes of media types and assorted hangers-on throughout his intro of it. Then CEO Mary Barra got up and proceeded to sound like a school principal reading the morning announcements over the PA, but that is her wont, apparently. (1/14)

(GM/Chevrolet)
The new Chevrolet Volt.

We’ve only seen this movie before, oh, at least five or ten times in the last decade and a half, but who’s counting? The automotive media types (and the rest who could wrangle an invitation) went absolutely crazy for the Buick Avenir concept, which was unveiled at a special media reception at Detroit’s Eastern Market Sunday night before the first Press Day. The big rear-wheel-drive sedan bristled with absolutely every crease, roll and heavily nuanced detail that has been on every Buick concept from the last fifteen years. Apparently I missed the memo to the media that said you should genuflect and then wax on eloquently about the Avenir or you will never be invited to another GM press event again – as if that would resonate with me – because the media praise was gushing, relentless and misguided. Buick called it "a flagship sedan exploring progressive design with new levels of passenger well-being and technology integration." Call me underwhelmed. (1/14)

(GM/Buick Image)
The Buick Avenir concept.

Fat, derivative and clueless is no way to go through life, kids.  The new Nissan Titan was an embarrassing kaleidoscope of other manufacturers’ pickup truck designs. Nissan designers borrowed a whole bunch from Ford, a little bit from Chevy and Ram, threw it all together and called it good. Except it isn’t. If there was ever a rolling monument to tedium and Nissan’s incredible lack of original thinking, the new Titan is it. It just may perform a much needed service, however, and that is finally bless us with the perfectly legitimate reason for Nissan to simply walk away from the pickup market altogether, because they have demonstrated repeatedly that they can’t compete and are simply devoid of a clue. CEO Carlos Ghosn had the temerity to suggest that the Titan would meet “unmet needs” in the U.S. market. What are those again exactly, Carlos? Here’s an idea: How about making yourselves useful and take another whack at the Juke? (1/14)

(Nissan)
The Nissan Titan.

It’s called vapor marketing. They show you the car. You can’t get one. They pronounce it the hottest thing in the market. You can’t get one. They promise more hot cars. And you won't be able to get any of those either. And this is how they’re going to go toe-to-toe with Audi in the U.S. market in just three years? Alfa Romeo showed a 4C Spider in Detroit, which was lovely, in a Will Ferrell-visiting-the-Olive-Garden in "Old School" sort of way, but really? Does it matter? I know hard-core enthusiasts are shouting their huzzahs to the rafters that the 4C exists to begin with, but what are they excited about? Because they can’t get one and if they’re one of those pathetic first-on-the-block types they will pay a ridiculous amount of money for the privilege of acquiring one, and it’s all unmitigated bullshit. Alfa is a pipedream that will be built on the unfulfilled fantasies and wishes of enthusiasts who should know better. Here’s an idea: Call these carpet-bagging Italians’ bluff and keep your money in your pocket. Make them come up with an actual business plan that goes beyond the part about Marchionne fleecing consumers just because he can. (1/14)

(Alfa Romeo)
The Alfa Romeo 4C Spider.

Welcome, shiny happy bootlickers! The free food and booze are to your right. The vacuous, self-absorbed executives and their smarmy personal PR minions are to your left! I can’t let last week’s events go by without mentioning – yet again - the intermittent incidents of genuflection by the assembled hordes in the media (and assorted hangers-on) down at Cobo Hall. The ardor displayed was punctuated by equal parts adulation and canonization, depending on the auto company executive in question. It’s now a ritual that seems to grow in its silliness each and every year, especially when the subjects are given a forum immediately after the media preview days to be interviewed, and who then struggle to come up with something riveting to say. Inevitably these executives say the same things they said at the media preview, which begs the obvious question: Why bother?

The entire media preview dance at these auto shows is so dated and stale that it has transitioned beyond silliness to out-and-out orchestrated futility. Editors push for more interviews thinking that those interviews will somehow differentiate their publications from the rest, but when the interview consists of softball questions and rote, repetitive answers pre-programmed weeks before the show, what is the point, exactly?

I am proposing a completely different model for the media days in conjunction with these auto shows, one much more aligned with the “Fashion Week” extravaganzas in New York and Paris. Instead of herding journalists and other hangers-on to the auto show floor for a series of press conferences that run together in a blur, I think a schedule could be created that would allow each manufacturer to have its own show at a venue off-site along with an appointed time to do their thing. Then, if media members want to arrange for interviews beyond that, so be it.

Problems? Sure. I think the first complaint would be, “We’re already spending two days at the show and three days at the after show, so this would add too much time to an already jammed schedule.” To that I say, really? Do you think the manufactured gravitas attached to the after show meetings is worthy of the attention it gets? Read the interviews and speeches. Please glean for me the “news” out of all of that. A fireside chat with Mary Barra? A meet and greet with Elon Musk? Yeah, that’s what I thought, a big fat “zero.”

The point being that what passes for auto show week around here is lame and broken, and it needs to change. Do I expect any of this to happen? Oh hell no, we’re talking about the auto industry here - and the auto industry media - and the concept of change is anathema, at best. (CARRY ON. – 1/21)

Wait, what? “The insights gleaned from this first auto study show a generation (Generation Y) that emphasizes car ownership and the critical role it plays in their day-to-day lives,” said Berj Kazanjian, senior vice president of ad sales research at MTV. “Millennials, like other generations, see car ownership as a way to establish independence, but millennials also see car ownership as a way to craft their unique adult identity.”

Do you know how many billions of dollars car companies and their ad agencies have spent chasing the millennial mindset over the last decade? I can assure you it’s staggering. Entire car programs were altered; massive advertising campaigns were dissected and nuanced to the very last detail in order to capture the millennials’ attention. And do you have any idea how many faux marketing “geniuses” were made in this business because they insisted that they had “cracked the code” of the millennial mindset, and that they and their companies were about to enjoy untold riches due to their brilliance? It’s basically all unmitigated bullshit, as I pretty much suspected every step of the way.

The freedom of mobility is a powerful thing. People can make pronouncements about how different they are and how they view the world in an entirely different way in focus groups, but give them a taste of driving and the freedom it brings and everything changes. Because with that freedom of mobility comes the freedom of discovery, about life, living and myriad other things that swirl around in your head when you’re given that freedom. Discoveries about yourself, I might add, that don’t quite fit in the cut-and-dried world of a focus group study. Imagine that. (LIVIN’ ON CHANNEL Z. - 1/28)

The thing about the advertising business is that you’re only as good as your last piece of work, and the “what have you done for me lately?” attitude permeates the client/agency relationship at all times. This stems from the fact that the never-ending story arc between auto companies and their ad agencies is that when things are going well, the auto companies insist that their agency folk are their true marketing “partners,” and when things are going bad – as in, when the client screws up the timing of a product launch, or their products well and truly suck vis-a-vis the competition - then it’s inevitably the agency’s fault somehow and the agency is demoted from “partner” status to just being a “supplier.”

I’ll be right upfront in saying that there’s level of mistrust between an advertising agency and its auto company client that rides just below the surface, and at any moment things can go from being somewhat cordial to prickly in oh, like a nanosecond. I’m telling you this in order to give you at least a glimpse into the world in which this work that you see on television is created. “It’s an up at dawn, pride swallowing siege” for an ad agency (to quote from Jerry McGuire), and it’s a constant battle between the talented and those who insist on getting in the way of goodness – and sometimes greatness - on both sides of the aisle. (THE “NEXT LITTLE BIG THING” AND OTHER THOUGHTS ON THE SUPER BOWL OF MARKETING. - 2/4)

Haven't we seen this before, only better? First of all, the Jeep “Beautiful Lands” spot (watch it here) for the new Renegade was all beautifully shot and internationally inclusive, but to foist off Woody Guthrie’s classic American folk song, “This Land Is Your Land” to launch an international marketing push for the smallest Jeep was both insulting and disingenuous. And to make matters worse, they were beaten to the punch by The North Face, which used Guthrie’s classic song  - and to much greater effect, I might add - for its “Never Stop Exploring” campaign, which debuted at the end of last October. So, despite all the Internet fan boys who are already canonizing the Renegade as the “Next Little Big Thing” and despite the fact that Olivier Francois seems to get a pass just for showing up so that we can all bask in his brilliance, I give this effort a definitive and emphatic “D” for three very specific reasons: 1. Using inappropriate music. 2. Not having an original idea. And 3. For the unbridled arrogance that assumed that spending a boatload on location filming would automatically result in advertising glory. Guess what? It didn’t. (2/4)

Holy crap, do you mean this doesn't go on forever? There’s nothing tougher for a manufacturer in this business to deal with than to have a vehicle segment all to itself - with all of the endless profits that go with it – while at the same time figuring out how to keep the troops motivated, focused and on the top of their game so that complacency doesn’t set in. And there’s nothing more motivating for other manufacturers in this business than to see a competitor have a direct line to a mountain of profits, without anyone at least giving them a real run for their money. Jeep is enjoying its moment – and the immense profitability that goes with it – in the sun. But the competitive storm clouds are brewing, and some major turbulence is about to disrupt the friendly confines out in Auburn Hills. (JEEP ENJOYS ITS MOMENT IN THE SUN – FOR NOW. - 2/11)

We don't have a clue, we've never had a clue and it's unlikely we'll have a clue in the near future either. To make matters worse, the Honda brain trust has repeatedly demonstrated that they are functionally incapable of understanding where Acura needs to go, let alone understand what it should be in the first place. And the NSX isn’t going to be the quick image fix they’re looking for, either. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it one thousand times, if Acura is supposed to be “the best” of Honda, why doesn’t it come across that way? And why can’t anyone over there come up with a plan for the brand that actually has staying power? To me it’s very apparent that the Japanese brain trust at the top of Honda has no understanding of what they’re up against in trying to compete against Audi, BMW, Mercedes, Lexus, et al, with Acura. And unless they’re willing to set aside their own preconceived notions about what they think should go on in the luxury-performance segment, as opposed to the reality, then the whole Acura thing will continue to be an industry tumbleweed that rolls on forever, destination unknown. (INDUSTRY TUMBLEWEEDS. – 2/25)

When is precision in the name of precision imprecise? Right here. In one of my stints in my previous advertising life I once worked with one of the advertising industry’s legends – Phil Dusenberry – and his most famous way of registering disgust with an advertising concept presented to him was that he’d look over his half-glasses, pause three beats for effect and in sotto voce say, “It’s not very good, is it?” I could go on and on about this new GMC campaign, how it smacks of heavy-handed client engineering (a Detroit car company specialty), as in “let’s make sure every one of our products appears in the spot,” how the announcer voiceover seems to wander and meander before making a point that doesn’t seem to connect with the product in the least, or how it seems like a really heroic effort at crafting a memorable “Tier 2” spot, but suffice to say the most accurate thing that I can say about it is: It’s not very good, is it?” (IT'S NOT VERY GOOD, IS IT? – 3/4) 

Memo to the "Detroit is on the upswing" swells. For the record, my problem with all of this is that it’s grand eyewash that benefits the few who can partake in this urban resurrection of the moment. And the direction it’s coming from is all wrong too. The money is arriving from the top down, which is great for creating a glossy sheen that makes for euphoric local press coverage and heroic sound bites for when “Morning Joe” makes its periodic stop to take the temperature of the city. But the reality is that if this city is ever to turn around permanently for the good, the change will have to come from the bottom up: Through meaningful educational reforms and basic societal progress that somehow cracks through the barrier of abject despair and utter hopelessness that still permeate vast swaths of this city. That kind of change isn’t glamorous, and it can’t compete with a hot new restaurant opening in Midtown, or another architect’s rendering of yet another new building that may or may not be built. It gets to the heart of the matter of why this city seems to always be on the brink of despair, and until it is dealt with and the meaningful changes are nurtured so that they have real impact on the lives that desperately need it, then I’m afraid I will be writing similar things another four-and-one-half years from now. (THE DEAL ON DETROIT, PART II. – 3/11)

It's gravitas by association and it counts for absolutely zero in the Big Picture of luxury marketing. Chasing gravitas is not only a cottage industry among the luxury automakers; it’s a full-on obsession. I’m not talking about the usual stuff, like golf and tennis tournament sponsorships, sports star affiliation, or rubbing up against Hollywood star-studded events, which some manufacturers regularly engage in and obsessively so, I might add. I’m talking about the luxury automakers “owning” events in the pursuit of cultural hipness, thinking that if they’re there the positive rub-off will be inescapable and automatic, and they will be able to truly “connect” with their customers.

The best example of this is what has happened to “The Quail. A Motorsports Gathering.” The Quail is now a classic example of corporate sponsorship – specifically with the luxury automakers - run amuck. The Quail has been turned into a huckster’s paradise, an event designed to project the “luxury lifestyle” on people who are willing to pay upwards of $700 a ticket to roam among the vehicles on display, wander through the manufacturer tents and have lunch too. It’s all very civil. And it has also become a giant waste of time as the luxury manufacturers vie for image superiority and attention in a sea of other luxury manufacturers elbowing each other to achieve the same thing.

The result? Much talking to themselves goes on - there's that selling air thing again - reinforcing the fundamental belief of the marketing “geniuses” calling the shots that if they’re there they must, in fact, be getting their money’s worth because look at all the people roaming around through our tent! It must count for something, right? Right? Wrong. True luxury automakers that have won their standing the hard way by building great products and delivering on their brand image consistently over time will always win out. (CHASING GRAVITAS. – 3/18)

And then there was the April Fools' column. But, in case you’re wondering, this isn’t the last you’ll hear from us. I have been courted by a consortium of financially gifted individuals from Silicon Valley “South” – aka Austin, Texas - who want the “King of the True Believers,” as they embarrassingly refer to me, to lead them into the car business. These movers and shakers are blessed with extreme wealth, the kind of wealth that is, for all intents and purposes, incomprehensible. Their pockets are deep and their vision is clear. This small group of talented, decorated, and deeply creative men and women can see the Big Picture clearly. They thrive on a challenge and have the wherewithal to see a project of this immense scope through. They will remain undaunted by the withering costs and myriad difficulties that the automobile business presents on an hourly basis, because they simply won’t be fazed by any of it.

The new company, called HOTMotors - for High-Octane Truth Motors – is based in Austin, Texas and will combine my vision for the future of transportation with large measures of enduring passion and artful expression so lacking in the current automotive environment. HOTMotors is already staffed with 350 technical people working feverishly away in secret on the future of transportation in a nondescript warehouse not too far from the outskirts of the city. WordGirl will be the Chief Marketing Officer - with my assistance - and Dr. Bud will be Director of Public Relations, which will be interesting to say the least, so the gang will remain intact.

It has been my lifelong dream to lead a car company, and it’s probably the only thing that would make me give up Autoextremist.com. So here we go. P.S. That our first machine – the Bandini X37 – will look remarkably like one of GM Design’s historical gems - the Corvair Monza GT concept - is no coincidence. After all, why mess with perfection? (THE END OF AN ERA. THE AUTOEXTREMIST: JUNE 1, 1999 – APRIL 1, 2015.)

(GM Design)
The Corvair Monza GT concept.

So "restraint" translates into desirability? Is that B-school mumbo jumbo or are you just making it up as you go along? Cadillac made it clear that it’s still carrying a bit of the American luxury chip on its shoulder in New York. What do I mean by that? Cadillac is forever striving for respectability and street cred in the luxury-performance car arena, measuring itself against Audi, BMW and Mercedes-Benz at every turn. It is a natural desire and the GM luxury division has hammered this point home relentlessly with its superbly crafted V-Series offerings. And now it’s taking the fight to its competitors with the new Cadillac Touring 6 (CT6).

(Photo by Mike Appleton for Cadillac)
The Cadillac CT6.

The underlying theme of the lavish CT6 intro underlined GM’s desire for respect in the luxury-performance car arena. The assembled executives and the attendant Cadillac PR minions hammered this point home relentlessly, talking up the CT6’s array of aluminum castings and other metals and how they’ve been seamlessly blended into a desirable whole, insisting that they’ve raised the luxury car art. That is a serious boast indeed. The other point made about the CT6 is that it is first and foremost a driver’s machine, a distinction that was also made over and over last week.

First of all, I found the design of the Cadillac CT6 to be restrained, but almost too much so. In fact one of GM’s chief designers told me that “restraint” was the operative word used when executing the CT6 design. I’m all for restraint over garish and stupid – see the front ends of the Lexus RX and Nissan Maxima if you need examples of the latter – but remember this is the car company that has unveiled two of the most exceptional concepts in this business over the last four years, the Ciel convertible and the Elmiraj (below). (NEW YORK AUTO SHOW AFTERMATH AND THE UGLY REALITIES FACING CADILLAC AND LINCOLN. – 4/8)

(Images from GM Design)

For dedicated followers of fashion? Not yet. Not even, in fact. But after all of the orchestrated hand-wringing, the Ugly Reality facing Cadillac and Lincoln is that since the automobile business is all about fashion – and make no mistake, it most definitely is – and the luxury segment is the most image conscious part of the business, then competing in the luxury arena is an image play, pure and simple. And right now, Cadillac and Lincoln - in terms of brand image – are on the outside looking in. And they’re looking at years, not quarters, but years before they will be able to even noticeably move the needle. (4/8)

I knew automotive legends. Automotive legends were friends of mine. You're no automotive legend. Is this what this business has come down to, really? Robot CEOs with robot PR minions in tow walking a tightrope of political correctness out of fear of actually having something of substance to say that may resonate for a minute or two? Yes, I’m afraid so, with very few notable exceptions. I know some of you out there might be wondering to yourselves, well, “What about Sergio?” But anyone who thinks that the Almighty Sergio will now readily assume that mantle is dreaming. Marchionne is a gilded patrician and a manipulative dealmaker to whom the words “greatness” and “enduring legacy” will never be ascribed.

Why? Because carpetbagging opportunists never create enduring legacies, they’re glorified parasites who inject themselves into situations and then drain what they need out of them before they move on. Name the pivotal products Sergio has been responsible for creating? Not at the helm of the company when they were created mind you, but actually responsible for creating? This just in: There aren’t any. Marchionne is a certified genius at manipulating other people’s money to his advantage. A noteworthy skill to be sure, but not the stuff of legends or enduring automotive legacies the likes of a Piech, Porsche, Ferrari or a Henry Ford. (OF MEN AND MICE. – 4/29)

Peter answered reader questions in one of his columns this year. –WG

Q: What do you think of Mary Barra’s renewed push on changing GM’s culture? Don’t you think that’s pretty much of a fool’s errand at this point? –M.A., Northville, Michigan.

Where you find the True Believers you will find an energized, switched-on GM that is doing notably wonderful things and first-rate quality work, resulting in the best products the company has ever produced. But that covers just the “one-percenters” who make up “the best and the brightest” of GM, and it’s not the real picture of a company that still, to this day, is mired in a go-along-to-get-along day-to-day-ness of it all that is not going anywhere. Meaning, the intransigence of the vast gray middle is not going to change for anyone, Ms. Barra included.

But I’m glad she’s giving it a try and I’m glad that the shallow hordes occupying the mainstream media view it as being a Brand-New Day at GM, even though it’s really not. As long as GM keeps delivering excellent products, Ms. Barra will be fine. The moment they start phoning it in, or let things slide, she won’t be any different than any other CEO who suffered the consequences of not paying attention. As it should be. (THE DOCTOR IS IN. – 5/6)

Q. You seem to relish taking shots at Sergio Marchionne, even though he’s the most brilliant man in the industry by far. You come off as being petty and I think people stopped paying attention to you a long time ago. How does it feel to be irrelevant? –J.D., Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

Ah yes, a card-carrying member of the pitchfork-wielding Internet hordes weighs in. After going on sixteen years – count ‘em – of doing Autoextremist.com, I learned a long, long time ago that when people agree with what I write I am feted as a hero, and when they don’t like what I have to say I am vilified as being the consummate Asshole, or even better, the industry’s Anti-Christ. This just in: If you’re a nationally recognized and read commentator it’s just part of the territory.

As for Marchionne, I stand by every word that I have written about him since he was gifted the Chrysler Corporation by the Obama administration. As I’ve said repeatedly, Marchionne is a certified genius at manipulating other people’s money to his advantage and as a deal maker, he simply has no peer. But being The Grand Opportunist doesn’t mean he should be immediately granted entry to the Automotive Hall of Fame.  

There are no free passes in this business. Not for Mary Barra, as she will soon find out. Not for Ford with everyone scrutinizing every move Mark Fields & Co. makes. And especially not for Sergio Marchionne, whose bullying pronouncements have not only worn thin, but thankfully don’t carry nearly the weight that they used to, even with the bootlicking media that regularly did his bidding as a matter of course. (5/6)

Q. I am a racing enthusiast and I have to say that I read everything I can get my hands on over the Internet about the sport. I follow Formula 1, IndyCar and NASCAR, and I have to say there is no one, and I mean no one out there who directs such biting criticism as you do about NASCAR. What gives? -D.R. Charlotte, North Carolina. 

I’ve been attending races since I was ten years old and I have been in and around the sport since then, both from the racing team side and the corporate sponsor/marketing side. In turn I bring a perspective that’s fueled by years of experience, and I understand the inner workings and nuances of the sport inside and out.  An interesting and gratifying part of creating this publication every week is that my motorsport commentaries have become very influential in this business and in the motorsports community, and I have advised car companies and corporate America on their involvement in the sport for years.

Anyone who has followed my commentaries about the sport and about NASCAR in particular knows that I have the utmost respect for the talented team owners, drivers, technical people and crews who are directly involved in the sport. They are the True Believers of the sport of racing and their passion for what they do is remarkable. That said there is no doubt that I am NASCAR’s biggest critic by far.

Why? Because the distance between the corporate governance of the sport led by the France family in Daytona Beach and the realities of the day-to-day workings of the sport as perceived by the participating manufacturers and by corporate America is vast and becoming more glaring by the day. Suffice to say that NASCAR, despite its protestations otherwise, is slow to change and too insular for its own good. NASCAR conducts its business in a fog of "we've always done it this way" myopia that is simply unacceptable, especially given the world we’re living in today. And it irks me that the participating manufacturers keep throwing money into NASCAR without extracting more for those considerable sums in return. I will stop here, but if you would like to get a further glimpse as to my thoughts about NASCAR, go to any week’s “Fumes” where you’ll find my latest motorsports commentary. (5/6)

Going through the motions? Not a chance. When it comes to the Camaro and Mustang it’s not strictly about the numbers. It’s about passionate True Believers on both sides of the ball swinging for the fences and hitting each other with their best shots. It’s about creating evocative cars with distinctive points of view, soulful machines that veer far, far away from the commoditization that has overwhelmed the business in so many ways of late. The Camaro and Mustang get to the very essence of this business, and without them we would be left with just going through the motions, and nobody with a pulse wants to see that happen. (CAMARO VS. MUSTANG: THE BATTLE RAGES ON. – 5/20)

The Autoextremist as King of the Automotive World? No, Sergio, remarkably enough this column isn’t about you, though knowing your sense of unbridled entitlement and delusion about your place in the automotive world, you would so desperately want it to be. No, this column is about me, The Autoextremist, and what I’d do if I became King of the Automotive World. For some, this news would be akin to being told you were being reassigned to a yarn farm somewhere far away from the action, or worse. In fact, for quite a few of the go-along-to-get-along hordes that go through the motions in this business, this news would be an untenable, lethal cocktail of Sturm und Drang, with a chaser of world-ending, head-in-hands dismay, as in, “Oh no, Walter, I think we’re screwed.”

Oh well, boo-frickin’-hoo as we like to say around here, because no industry needs a dose of reality – brought with a reassuring whack of a 2x4 to the forehead, I might add – more than the auto industry, which is in the midst of its latest back-slappin’, the-good-times-are-never-gonna-end frenzy. Well, guess what, the giddiness stops here. My first day on the throne would be a busy one, because I would release a series of edicts (through my handpicked PR minions, no less) that would roil the industry for months on end. To wit:

The First Royal Edict. The Sergio Shit Show would be officially brought to an end and FCA would be broken up into the following pieces: 1. Jeep would be put up for bidding between GM and Ford. Make no mistake, it’s The Franchise and it will be worth $6 billion alone. So there’s that. 2. Dodge Ram Trucks would be put up for bid between Nissan and Toyota, because, well, Nissan would be better off buying ready-made pickups as they have demonstrated repeatedly and convincingly that they just don’t have the wherewithal to get it done. When it comes to pickups and Nissan, there’s just no “there” there, and it’s time to end the silly charade once and for all. It’s sad, but it’s the High-Octane Truth. Except that Toyota has so much cash sitting around that this bidding war would be over in about two minutes, and then Toyota would have an instant grand-slam home run truck brand to sell. Then they could finally get that eternal chip off their shoulder brought about by having to compete with Ford and Chevrolet all of these years. And even better, we could all finally be done hearing about it. A win-win for the whole damn industry, as far as your King is concerned.

The Second Royal Edict. Audi, BMW, Mercedes-Benz and Porsche are immediately prohibited from bringing in any more new models into the U.S. market. Instead, they will have to present their product plans to The King and I will rule as to their validity, worthiness, stupidity, etc. This means an immediate cessation to all crackpot niche automotive fantasies harbored by German car executives, the ones that go something like this: “A Porsche entry in the U.S. market to compete with the Buick Encore is exactly what we need!” Or, “A six-wheeled Mercedes-Benz crossover slotted above the Cadillac Escalade is just what the Doctor ordered!” As King, I will be fair, but this rampant product segment boneheaded-ness as practiced by the Germans will be brought to a merciful halt. You can all thank me later.

The Third Royal Edict. Any car company doing business here in the U.S. market that sells over 1,000,000 vehicles annually would be required to build an engine for the Indianapolis 500. “The Greatest Spectacle in Racing” and the single most important motor race in the world – and an American treasure - deserves to be treated as such, with multiple manufacturers squaring off against each other for supremacy at The Speedway. Short-hitters and “convenience marketers” will be given a pass, but only after they publicly admit that they don’t have the know-how or the cojones to compete. The only other grounds for a pass? See below.

The Fourth Royal Edict. Within four years of my ascension to the throne, one of America’s two major automobile manufacturers – or both - must design, engineer and build a machine to compete for the overall win at the 24 Hours of Le Mans. That means competing against the best currently in the game (Audi, Porsche, Toyota, et al) in the most famous and prestigious sports car endurance race in the world. It has been 49 years – count ‘em - since an American manufacturer won overall at Le Mans. And that’s a giant, steaming bowl of Not Good.

The Fifth Royal Edict. From this point forward any automotive marketer who unleashes two loser brand or product campaigns in a row will be forced to do Tier 2 advertising exclusively for the rest of that calendar year. Now, given that some major auto manufacturers are already doing Tier 2 advertising and calling it national advertising, those companies will be prohibited from asking their ad agencies to create a Super Bowl ad for two years, since they’re obviously incapable of discerning what constitutes good advertising in the first place.

The Sixth Royal Edict. Any marketer for a car company who starts acting like a “marketing genius” will be hauled before me and given fifteen minutes to explain why he or she shouldn’t be immediately banished to The Island of Wimps and Twerps, which is part of the Spineless Weasel archipelago, which is just south of the “Where the fuck am I?” province. There they will be forced to market shit as shinola to the locals by selling the Yellow Pages, until such time that I deem that they’ve been de-genius-fied. If that doesn’t work they will be immediately sent to Unctuous Prick University, where they will work toward getting a Digital Marketing Guru degree. Once that’s completed, they will be sent to Milan to help Sergio sell used Fiats and broke-ass Alfas out of an abandoned gas station.

The Seventh Royal Edict. I will give GM 120 days to hire a Chief Marketing Officer and if they don’t come up with someone acceptable, I will appoint one for them. A company that size without a CMO? It’s a complete travesty.

The Eighth Royal Edict. The 20 top executives from the two Detroit-based U.S. automakers will be required to go to a city somewhere in the U.S. - one that’s distinctly disconnected from anything having to do with the automobile - for two full weeks. There they will be required to visit their respective dealers during the day and at night they can commiserate about what it’s like being in an environment that doesn’t revolve around them, or the automobile, aka, the Real World.

The Ninth Royal Edict. From this day forward July 1^st will become True Believers Day in the Kingdom. That day will be set aside to pay tribute to the men and women who not only care deeply about what they do in this business, but who have a passion for excellence that still burns bright despite the hordes of spineless weasels, recalcitrant twerps and lowly denizens of the Vast Gray Middle who deign to obfuscate, block, slow or impede progress and creativity at every turn. In addition a True Believer Hall of Fame will be created so that on July 1^st the Kingdom can celebrate the myriad accomplishments of the Best and Brightest in this business since it began.

The Tenth Royal Edict. The first car company doing business in this kingdom that successfully keeps a lid on a new product launch before its unveiling, and then announces that orders can be taken on the spot for delivery in 60 days, will be immediately bestowed a $10 billion bonus. And, every other manufacturer doing business in the kingdom will be forced to contribute to that prize. But – and there’s always a “but” – that product must be desirable to me, which means that it must be beautiful to look at, fun to drive, and memorable in every way, because it always has been and always will be about The Product. (KING OF THE AUTOMOTIVE WORLD. – 5/27)

His Magic Mirror also doubles as a linguini and Barolo dispenser, if you must know. So now we have to watch as Brother Sergio's Traveling Salvation Show careens around from one event to the next, urging reporters to spread his message of auto industry salvation through consolidation. Recently, at a dealer event in Oakville, Ontario, Brother Sergio again was in high dudgeon, pleading for large automakers to combine and share costs. “We need to find a way to get this done,” he exhorted the assembled media types. “If they think these comments are going to deter me from the objectives, I’ve got news for you: It just reinforced my conviction it needs to happen. I haven’t had a guy tell me it’s not true. Not one.”

This, of course, was classic Sergio. What he really meant to say is that while talking to himself in his Magic Mirror, no one disagrees with him, ever, so of course it all makes perfect, logical sense and rings true with authority. “I could give you list of reasons as to why you would be scared of doing it, I get it,” he said. “But you have to be able to take leadership. You have to be able to stand alone when you make these calls. Make the bloody call. That’s what they pay you for. They pay you to lead. Not to execute somebody else’s will.”

Which gave us all a fascinating, albeit rare glimpse into one of Sergio's personal pep talks in front of said mirror, which was quite illuminating, especially given the fact that he has been paid handsomely by the remnants of the broke-ass Fiat dynasty to save their collective asses. But a funny thing has happened on the way to Brother Sergio’s coronation and soon-to-be statue unveiling. No other auto company CEO is interested in having any dealings with Unctuous Prick University’s most outstanding graduate, and they’ve rebuffed his public overtures in a cloak of indifference meted out by wanly disinterested PR statements or even worse, silence. (BROTHER SERGIO’S TRAVELING SALVATION SHOW IS RUNNING OUT OF GAS. – 6/9)

A timely reminder. In the case of Porsche in particular, the Porsche brain trust understands that the company’s continuous forays into new segments comes with a heavy price, that no matter how good the new products that deviate from its sports car core are, unless and until it reminds itself – and the world – who it is and what it believes in then there’s a chance it might drive the whole thing over the cliff of diminishing returns. In other words, losing itself in a swirling maelstrom of giddy profits would be devastating if it lost its way - and its soul - in the process. Suffice to say Porsche needed this win at Le Mans, because it defines the company and burnishes its brand not only with the Porsche faithful, but with its burgeoning customer base, the people who – ahem - may not be all that familiar with the historical legacy behind what they’re driving. It galvanizes Porsche’s True Believers on the inside, too, reminding everyone associated with the brand that the company’s fundamental beliefs remain intact and true, no matter what. (EXCELLENCE WAS EXPECTED. – 6/17)

(Images courtesy of Porsche/newspressUSA)
Nick Tandy, Earl Bamber and Nico Hülkenberg atop the all-conquering Porsche 919 Hybrid after the team's triumphant performance in the 24 Hours of Le Mans.

One day you're a marketing rock star, the next day you're shoveling shit in Louisiana. The difference between getting things right and getting them horribly wrong when it comes to this brand image wrangling business is the finest of lines. This business is littered with strategic missteps, ham-fisted executions, an endless stream of miscalculations and that ever-present danger - rampant cluelessness – that can serve to impede a brand image from resonating in the market. Get it right and a manufacturer can live to fight another day. Nail it perfectly and a company may be able to build sustained momentum for a brand for years to come. Get it wrong and that will guarantee a life of misery for a brand as it flounders and sputters in the market. When the people running the company don’t know how and why the brand earned its chops to begin with and are confused as to what their brand stands for now, how can they possibly guide it properly? The short answer? They can’t. And even worse, they allow the wrong products to creep into their portfolios, which ultimately will lead to a corrosive level of brand dilution. (THE AUTOEXTREMIST BRAND IMAGE METER IV, OR, “HOW CAN WE GET THERE IF WE DON’T KNOW WHERE WE’RE GOING? – 6/24)

CMO? We don’t need no stinkin’ CMO! I get the distinct impression that Mary Barra and her troops at the top of the company actually believe that the divisional silos can handle everything on their own, that this is in line with their new enlightened model for the company going forward, part of that “new culture” mantra being beaten into everyone within earshot and trotted out for the edification of the media. Except that it’s glaringly apparent that this notion isn’t working. There are too many marketing gaffes and missteps, too many missed marketing opportunities and too much brand chaos roiling the waters for GM in the market. And it’s simply inexcusable that a company of this size is actually conducting its business this way.

GM needs an overall marketing guiding force that gets involved in every inch of the company’s image wrangling efforts, everything from corporate image campaigns and PR initiatives, to divisional brand advertising launches. Because as we've seen, left to their own devices bad or redundant advertising gets made and fundamental marketing issues fall through the cracks. That’s why it’s called a Chief Marketing Officer, in case Barra & Co. needs to be reminded, and someone down there better get a clue, because the way they’re operating now - which amounts to throwing things up against a wall to see what sticks – just isn’t cutting it. (STRANGE DAYS AT GM. – 7/9)

Thank you for your time, and please take a sandwich and a cookie on your way out. Placing too much emphasis on what consumers say in design clinics is usually a recipe for disaster. Why? Because if a car company puts too much emphasis on that ingrained conservatism, it ends up burying the concept of “design reach” in excuses, and the resulting mayhem usually manifests itself in a design that lays flat in the market.

Some people refuse to acknowledge this but the automobile business is a fashion business, pure and simple.  And the designers involved are some of the most brilliant and creative people in the business. “Design reach” is what they’re paid – and handsomely, I might add – to do, so subjugating design decisions to reactionary, aim-low consumers or marketing hand-wringers is a fool’s errand.

GM’s second design chief, the legendary Bill Mitchell, knew this instinctively and implicitly. He set the tone for this business, as much if not more than the top fashion designers of today hold sway over their visionary specialties. An absolute genius at bringing “design reach” to life, Mitchell never shirked at pushing the envelope. His specialty was bringing concept car looks to the highways and byways of mainstream America. And as was his wont, he didn’t much care what consumers said they wanted, because inevitably they didn’t know what they wanted until they saw it on the street and mumbled something like, “Me. Want.” It was his job to tell them what they needed, and no one was better at it then or since. (THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME. – 7/16)

It’s the plague of lowest-common-denominator thinking as applied to the design business, and as you might imagine, it’s a giant, steaming bowl of Not Good. How the hell did this happen? How did we get from planned obsolescence with massive design changes every fall in the Glory Days of the 50s and 60s, to the cookie-cutter design dance of today where every manufacturer offers a slightly different variation on the same theme? Take the mid-size passenger car market, for instance, and consider the look of the Chevrolet Malibu, Chrysler 200, Ford Fusion and the Toyota Camry. Yes, of course there are meaningful differences in the front grille work, headlights and taillights, rear end designs and brand signature jewelry, but if they were lined up all in a row and you were 25 yards away, it would be difficult to tell them apart unless you were a car aficionado. As for the average consumer? Not so much.

(Chevrolet)

(Ford)

(Toyota)

(FCA)

How did this happen again? Well, it’s complicated. And the answer to that question gets to the very heart of this design reach vs. design predictability business. Automobile designers, no matter the company, walk a fine line, having to take into account brand signatures, packaging requirements, safety and regulatory items, engineering dictates (including aero-shaping for fuel economy), manufacturing constraints, input from the marketing troops (welcome, or not), and, to top that all off, having to wrestle with executive input and the ego-wrangling that entails, because, this just in, an executive’s ego rarely matches the quality of the input. (Translation? Just because you have a title doesn’t mean you’re qualified to offer up opinions and input in a design studio. Until proven otherwise you’re just another suit with an opinion, and as such an inconvenient obstacle to creativity and vision more than anything else. Does that stop lesser executive lights from offering their “insights”? No, of course not. This is the automobile business, remember, and the egos involved are only slightly eclipsed by those in Hollywood.)

So, in this crazy and demanding environment – where designers are extolling current and slightly future designs to various constituencies (executives of various stripes and the media, etc.), while working on future looks five years hence - it’s easy to see how designers, given all the variables and inputs they have to consider, end up producing eerily similar shapes. (THE PLAGUE OF LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR DESIGN. – 7/22)

No one represented the spirit of this business more than Bill Mitchell. He was bold, powerful, flamboyant, recalcitrant, maniacal, brilliant, frustrating and probably every other adjective you can think of for someone who was one of a kind. He was smart enough to know and he had the innate sense to understand that he had inherited the legacy of the great Harley Earl, and he never for a second forgot that fact – or let anyone else forget it either. And he played it for all it was worth with a swagger and strut that haven't been seen since. He often bumped heads with the "suits" down at the corporation when they didn't "get" one of his design recommendations – but he usually won the battles and got his way. Mitchell was, in fact, his own potentate within the GM monolith, and he did outrageous things and spoke his mind and generally didn't give a rat's ass about any of the other bullshit that was part of corporate life at GM at the time. Mitchell was a larger-than-life personality, and it just didn't sit well with a lot of the sober financial suits down on the "14th floor" of the old GM building. He swaggered and strutted his way around the Design Staff like it was his own personal kingdom – and make no mistake about it – it was. (BILL MITCHELL – THE PASSIONATE DESIGN MAESTRO. – 7/29)

(GM Design Photo)
Bill Mitchell stands next to two of the most iconic GM designs under his reign: The 1959 Corvette Stingray racer concept (XP87), and the 1961 Corvette Mako Shark (XP-755) concept. A 19-year-old Peter Brock (who later went on to design the Cobra Daytona Coupe for Carroll Shelby), Larry Shinoda and Mitchell himself worked on the Stingray racer in 1957, which obviously influenced the fabulous '63 Corvette Stingray production car, and Shinoda and Mitchell worked on the Mako Shark concept. One of the countless anecdotes from the Mitchell era? He caught a Mako shark on a fishing trip in Florida and had it mounted on a wall in his office. He kept telling the designers that he wanted the paint job on the Mako Shark concept to look exactly like the shark on his wall, with the same color gradations. After Mitchell rejected several attempts at painting the XP-755 concept car and amid growing frustration, a few designers sneaked into his office late one night while Mitchell was out of town and removed the shark from his office wall. They then had the paint shop paint Mitchell's prized catch exactly like the latest paint job on the Mako Shark concept. They then put the shark back up on his wall and presented the new paint job on the Corvette Mako Shark concept to Mitchell, who pronounced it "perfect." -PMD

The perfect antidote for the "dog days" of summer? The “Subterranean Motor City Blues.” It’s the beginning of August and the brief (but official) doldrums of the summer are upon us in the automobile business. As you read this, hordes of people representing Design, Engineering, Product Development and Marketing are feverishly working away on what’s next. Finessing the final design concepts for the upcoming auto shows. Envisioning what the compelling looks will be for 2020. Wrestling with the engineering constraints brought on by an ever-shifting kaleidoscope of regulations and emissions requirements. Finessing the final days of new product programs while jump-starting future products to life. Presenting finished fall advertising work and working on the obligatory year-end holiday ad campaigns while working on creative concepts for upcoming launches. And of course, the never-ending churn of the monthly sales figures.

And this orchestrated cacophony never ends. It’s a constant swirling maelstrom of highs and lows, punctuated by triumphs, forgettable missteps and at times unmitigated bullshit. It’s the Autoverse as defined by today’s chaotic global environment.

The High-Octane Truth of the matter is that all of the major players at the car companies want it all, all the time. And surprisingly enough, too many of these executives who should know better actually believe they can have it all. But it never works out that way. In fact, it doesn’t even come close to working that way.

Instead it’s a two-steps-forward, three-steps-back dance for even the best of the car companies. For every out-and-out product hit, there’s always some corner of the enterprise that is woefully underperforming. And remarkably enough, there are always new executives who seem to have to find this out the hard way.

I was thinking about all of this over the weekend as one of Bob Dylan’s classic songs kept popping into my head. Part defiant and poetic social shit disturbing and part Dylan-esque gibberish, “Subterranean Homesick Blues” has a chaotic urgency about it that is hard to turn away from once you let it wash over you.

So, without further ado – and with full props to Mr. Dylan’s original – here’s the “Subterranean Motor City Blues” for your edification (special tip from WordGirl - play Dylan's song in another browser while you read along!).

Sergio's in the basement

Talkin’ consolidation

I'm at the keyboard

Thinking about the motives

The man in the bad sweater

Hand out, pissed-off

Says he's got a bad feelin’

Wants a big payoff

Look out kid

It's somethin' you said

God knows why

But you're doin' it again

You better duck down the alley way

Lookin' for a new friend

A man in a Volkswagen cap

Holdin’ a big pen

Offering eleven billion dollar bills

But says you’re only worth ten

Mary talks good

Face doesn’t show it

Talkin' that the Mo put

Plants back but

What’s the point anyway

Mary says what many say

They must bang it in early May

Legacy from D.A.

Look out kid

Don't matter what you did

Walk on your high-heels

Don’t matter how it feels

Better stay away from those

Carryin’ around a doomsday hose

Keep a clean nose

Jettison those plain clothes

You don't need a weather man

To know which way the wind blows.

Ah get sick, get well

Hang around that Ford well

Ring bell, sure as hell

F-150’s gonna sell

Try hard, get tarred

Kick ass, do tell

Jump on the Insurance Institute if all else fails

Look out kids

You're gonna get hit

By users, poseurs

Six-time losers

Hangin’ around the cheap seats

Holdin’ you accountable

Lookin' for a new fool

Stop followin’ e-leaders

Watch those chargin’ meters.

Ah get born, stay warned

Read rants, no chance, it’s a dance

Get dressed, get stressed

Try to be a success

Please her, please him, buy gifts

Don't whine, don't groan

Twenty years of schoolin'

And they send you to the Dead Zone

Look out kid

They keep it all hid

Better avoid the assholes

Light yourself a candle

Don't wear sandals

Try to avoid the scandals

Don't wanna be a bum

You better chew gum

The pump don't work

'Cause Elon took the handles.

And remember one more thing: Every time it seems like the good times will never end, inevitably they do. That has been the historical cadence for the Motor City and the auto biz as we know it ever since this whole thing got started. This awesome, 17-million-unit Rocket Ride will run out of juice eventually, and at that point it won’t take a weather man to know which way the wind blows. (SUBTERRANEAN MOTOR CITY BLUES. – 8/5)

It is and has been an industrial art form that has come to define who we are collectively, in case you were wondering. If the conversation is allowed to percolate long enough, every single anti-car person I have encountered in the sixteen years of doing Autoextremist.com comes around to saying something like: “Well, there was this one car that my uncle (or aunt, or friend, or brother, or grandfather, etc.) had that I’ll never forget…” And they then proceed to tell me about a car that is so indelibly carved in their memories that they start talking about it in detail, including where they were, how old they were, who was with them, where they were going, what happened, etc., etc., etc.

For even those most dispassionate about the automobile – at least on the surface anyway - I find there are always stories if you dig a little deeper. Stories of coming of age, of adventure, of harrowing close calls, of love, and life and lives lived. And memories. Countless, colorful memories that live on forever. The automobile business itself can be mind-numbingly tedious at times, as I’ve well documented over the years. And it is without question one of the most complicated endeavors on earth, made up of so many nuanced ingredients that it almost defies description. But the creation of machines that are safe, reliable, beautiful to look at, fun to drive, versatile or hard working – depending on the task they’re designed for - is more than just a cold, calculated business. (NO BETTER REASON. – 8/12)

The AE auto CEO's Survival Kit? Operators are standing by. Yes, of course I realize that none of the CEOs out there are typical, or average, or anything of the sort. They’re all brilliant tacticians and gifted visionaries with a level of ability not found in mere mortals. As if any of that were true. Oh sure, some out there are pretty close to being, well, decent, if not excellent, but there are enough poseurs and stumblebums masquerading as CEOs at the auto manufacturers and in the supplier community to give me something to write about for the next half a decade at least. At any rate, let’s imagine a faceless and feckless black-suited aide – let’s call him, Chad – who carries with him a small black duffel bag filled with the essentials of CEO survival. And he’s never more than ten feet away from his CEO at any point in time, because, as Dr. Bud likes to say, “You just never know.”

The Secret “Ego Stroker” Phone List. Let’s face it, on any given day a CEO’s cocky swagger might be derailed by the slightest of slights, a sideways glance cast just so, a bad interview, a hostile editorial, a sullen group executive who has it out for him/her and has the troop support to back it up, a surly board member stirring up shit for shit’s sake, or an asshole neighbor that pisses said CEO off just by breathing. For that you need props from assorted hangers-on and/or longtime cronies, or for instance a long-winded conversation with an old college professor, or a session with a card-carrying, bootlicking member of the press who is bound to shower said CEO with vacuous praise, no matter what the occasion. This list - which is absolutely overflowing with people offering gushing, positive reinforcement and overinflated ego stroking is contained in a secret – that means corporate security is unaware of its existence - phone that Chad drags out for the appropriate occasion. And depending on the severity of the ego crisis, he helps determine who would be most helpful to summon from the list for the given occasion.

The Stuart Smalley Autograph Edition Talking Magic Mirror. Sometimes mindless platitudes from PR minions – big and small – even though always welcome, just aren’t enough. When that’s the case, the Stuart Smalley Autographed Edition Talking Magic Mirror can do wonders. The mirror comes complete with audio reinforcement that can be custom-tailored to each CEO*, but it comes pre-downloaded with the following mantra: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to be with. *As you might imagine, Sergio’s magic mirror might sound something like this: I am the smartest guy in the room, any room. Just ask me. On Tuesdays between 7:00 – 9:00 p.m. I am actually likable. I am entitled to rule the automotive world by manipulating other people’s money. Because I can. And if I keep pestering Mary often enough, she’ll cave.

The “I Know What Good Design Looks Like” Consultation Phone. This is a direct connection to The Pen Droppers, a secret society of decorated former designers who can be secretly summoned into the bowels of a design studio du jour to set a CEO straight about what he/she is looking at and why it sucks, or why it doesn’t. These jittery calls usually come late at night before a major design review when no one’s around. The danger? When CEOs get cocky and actually start thinking they don’t need the help anymore, adopting that glazed, “I Know What Good Design Looks Like“ stare in their eyes, which inevitably leads to a giant bowl of Not Good and comments such as, WTF is that? at design reviews.

Annoying Journalist Repellant. This, of course, is self-explanatory. CEOs tolerate journalists, but just barely. For the most part CEOs find them to be tedious, duplicitous, snarky and collectively, “not our kind of people.” But they do tolerate them, especially the ones who offer up cloying platitudes at the drop of a hat to gain access (oh yes, you know who you are), or who follow the dictates laid down by the Chief PR Minion to the letter. Those types are immediately dubbed “good” journalists and are given unrivaled access, rides on the company plane for even more access, etc., etc. They are much liked and essential to a CEO’s mental health, even though the mutual “like” is all a fatuous display.

But then there’s always the odd rogue journalist, who is inevitably a card-carrying member of the dangerous Carpal-Tunnel Black Hats, the secret journalistic society that prides themselves on having impeccable – and talkative - sources and deep, uncannily accurate insights that leave executives suddenly awash in a ghostly pallor at the mere sight of them. As CEOs over the years have found out, these “Black Hats” are the most dangerous and lethal agents in the business, because they not only expose the ugly realities, they expose the limited talents of marginal CEOs who shouldn’t even be there in the first place. Oh, and about that “Annoying Journalistic Repellant.” It comes in a spray can with all kinds of ominous looking markings on it. But unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at things) – and unbeknownst to the CEOs, of course - it doesn’t really work, however designated “Chads” around the world use it to calm their bosses down when all else fails. It smells like cherry blossoms with a hint of jasmine mixed in, if you must know.

Bat-shit Neutralizer. And last, but not least, when CEOs become so consumed with rage (usually at a member of the “Black Hats” or a contrarian board member) and get caught up in entertaining actual ways to dispatch said enemies, “Chads” around the automotive world wait for the right moment – usually after said CEO returns to his office and before the next line on the day’s agenda begins – and calmly remove a simple metallic-looking canister from the black bag, and spray a giant cloud that harmlessly envelops the CEO in a fog of tranquility. And for 30 beatific seconds, the CEO is taken back to whatever point in his or her childhood when life was good, unburdened of responsibilities, languishing under cobalt blue skies and immersed in the smell of a calming sea breeze. I guess it beats a 2x4 to the forehead for “clarity” anyway.

So the next time you see a CEO walking through an auto show, look for the designated “Chad” – or “Carly” as the case may be - hovering about toting an unmarked black bag. And smile. (THE KEY ESSENTIALS IN AN AUTO CEO’S SURVIVAL KIT. 8/27)

The clock is ticking on the Sergio Shit Show, folks. Every last word Sergio has uttered to the media over the last several months has been a cry in the dark for a partner, or a sucker as the case may be. Why? Because the FCA circus is simply unsustainable. Selling Jeeps and trucks and a few gaudy hot rods is all well and good, but he isn’t making any money doing it. Why? Because FCA is spending incentive cash like a bunch of drunken sailors and handing out marginal loans like two-for-one popcorn at the movies. Marchionne keeps trying to present FCA as some irresistible value when in reality he’s got the Jeep brand and a pickup truck franchise and little else (remember, Ferrari is no longer part of the deal). He has no advanced technical strategy, either, and this in a business that’s accelerating at a furious pace toward the future. Why? Because FCA simply doesn’t have the money to muster the wherewithal to do anything about it. This just in: FCA isn’t a deal. And it isn’t a diamond in the rough that can be polished to a sheen and then paired with another company in order to propel the new, unified venture to unfathomable heights. It’s a one-and-a-half trick pony with nothing up its sleeve. (HOUR-BY-HOUR. – 9/16)

(Detroit Free Press)
Is that a halo, or a shower cap?

Buh-Bye. The history of this business is marked by brilliant minds that had breakthrough ideas and who turned them into mechanical conduits of our hopes and dreams. It has also been an endeavor littered with scoundrels, out-and-out crooks and con artists who thought they could put one over on the American consumer public and get away with it. Where does VW land in this discussion? Let’s just say that September 18, 2015, will go down in history as the day that the VW music died in the U.S. market once and for all. (THE DAY THE (VW) MUSIC DIED. – 9/22)

The three unassailable High-Octane Truths about this business: 1. It’s one giant ego trip, especially for the people making the decisions at the top. That’s certainly not news by any stretch and the auto biz isn’t even close to being the only outpost of it in corporate America, but it’s certainly right in there with Hollywood, Washington, D.C., Wall Street and Silicon Valley. 2. The auto biz is a hot house for egomaniacally fueled, flat-out delusional thinking. Not big news either, but it helps to remember just how virulent and unbridled the egomaniacal behavior truly is. There are silos upon fiefdoms throughout these organizations, and that doesn’t even begin to cover the jousting and territorial wars that are rife at the very top layers of these companies. And 3. Fundamental accountability is in short supply. In fact it’s nonexistent. The bottom line? Everyone wants in on the credit, but no one wants to get caught up in the blame. (EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING. – 10/14)

I’m not talking about the True Believers now (obviously), but I’m certainly calling out everybody else. Playing it safe in this business used to be anathema, now it has become a new, digitized religion. The bold visionaries who once propelled this business to greatness are now distant memories, and the current executives who qualify as such are so few and far between that it’s shocking (and no, Sergio doesn’t cut it, in case you’re wondering). Today, this business has become overrun with cover-your-ass practitioners, detached “it doesn’t affect me so why should I care?” drones, seedy financial robots, woefully underqualified marketing “experts,” mindless order takers and malicious, carpetbagging interlopers who are only out for themselves (now I am talking about you know who). And it’s a giant, stinkin’ bowl of Not Good. As I’ve said many times before, everything matters in this business. Every nuance, every subtle design stroke, every product strategy, every suspension tweak, every marketing initiative, every ad, every last detail. In short, everything is everything in this business and it all matters. Those who take that to heart will go far. The rest will be left like a house by the side of the road, wondering what happened. (10/14)

Embarrassing "story telling" and transparent "stunts." And you call yourselves professionals? Please. GM was once considered too big to fail. But it did. And unfortunately too many of the "old" GM's bad tendencies are alive and well. But as bad as all of that is – and believe me it’s reprehensible - the swirling maelstrom of chaos that defines GM’s Public Relations function almost defies comprehension and the woeful lack of strategic direction is glaringly apparent and costing the company dearly. The evidence? The orchestrated campaign to make Mary Barra look “statespersonlike” is weak and embarrassingly ineffectual. The planted puff pieces, the orchestrated town halls, the syrupy tweets, it’s all so transparent that it has become almost painful to watch. Barra is simply ill equipped for a lot of it, which isn’t a knock on her or an assessment of the job she’s doing, but it is a convincing reminder that some CEOs are better than others when it comes to communicating and "the image thing." And although Barra's naivete about all of this is borderline shocking it shouldn’t be because much of it, after all, is not her fault and it actually is her first rodeo. It’s human nature to naturally gravitate to whoever makes you feel good or look good. Which in Barra’s case is Not Good, unfortunately. GM PR honcho Tony Cervone has employed three – count ‘em – three separate PR support agencies with the clear marching orders revolving around the “Selling of Mary.” This encompasses everything from deploying social media "story tellers" to creating unexpected “stunts” that are designed to make Barra – and GM – look hip, approachable and cool. And much of it is excruciatingly amateurish, if not flat-out dreadful. And I’m being exceedingly kind. (THE SWIRLING MAELSTROM ENVELOPING GM. – 10/21)

I am reasonably certain that you are full of shit, Sir. None of the brand leaders for the current road stars – Audi, BMW, Mercedes-Benz and Lexus – will be taking Hyundai’s serious push into the luxury segment lightly. But then again, this being the wonderful world of automotive marketing, the powers that be at Hyundai just couldn’t help themselves when it came to framing what this new luxury brand would be, painfully pegging the “wince meter” with their tedious and predictable words. Euisun Chung, Hyundai Motor Co. vice chairman, said the company would go after younger, upscale buyers who are “savvy, affluent progressives, who are reasonable, progressive and young.” Really? That’s it? That’s the best they could come up with? No matter how good the cars and crossovers are, it should only take you a millisecond to realize that those words could be assigned to almost every single car manufacturer in the world (except for the perpetual short hitters in this business, oh you know who you are so don’t go pretending otherwise).

“Savvy affluent progressives.” Check. Who are “progressive” and “young.” Check. Because as a car company desperate for acceptance in the luxury segment you certainly wouldn’t want to target stoic, aging iconoclasts living off the land, would you? Or people without the financial wherewithal to even casually stroll through one of your dealerships, right? The only word that was a bit puzzling in the Genesis dossier is “reasonable.” About what, exactly? Reasonable in thought and demeanor? Reasonable for considering a Korean brand instead of the traditional German segment leaders? Reasonable in your choice of shoes? Reasonable because Hyundai doesn’t want to deal with you if you’re not? Reasonable in that you’re not a known, card-carrying resident of Crazy Town?

I’ve been listening to marketing executives for decades and it’s all the same horseshit. It’s always something like, “We did our due diligence and our research clearly points us to go after people who can afford the prices we’re asking, who are hip and cool enough to understand the goodness they’re being presented with, and who are progressive in thought and action - even some with a little ‘maverick’ in them - those who are comfortable enough to go their own way and not just drive what everyone else is driving.” Like they’ve somehow discovered the secret stash of marketing magic beans and they’ve cracked the double secret code somehow all in one fell swoop. As if. (THE INVASION OF THE MARKETING BRAIN SNATCHERS. – 11/11)

I often make light of the fact that the business of automotive marketing and advertising is the business of selling “air.” Except, I’m sorry to say, that it isn’t really all that funny. This business at times reminds me of the “Chance the Gardener” character played by Peter Sellers in the film classic “Being There” who, while riding in a car for the first time after leading a sheltered, isolated existence as a gardener, says, “This is just like television, only you can see much further.”

The business of automotive marketing is one of the strangest pursuits on earth. Billions of dollars and countless people hours are spent in an endeavor that vaguely resembles a never-ending episode of the Twilight Zone. When I refer to selling “air” I am referring to the vacuum of nothingness that permeates the business of marketing automobiles. When everything is mostly the same and when a perceived difference is trumped up to be something more than it actually is and intros have nothing to do with actual arrivals, that’s not only blowing smoke, it’s creating the smoke to begin with.

When, in order to sell air, you have to create something out of ahem, thin air, it’s no wonder that it all goes so horribly wrong. But in automotive marketing, nothingness and in turn air selling, is a premium endeavor that soaks up the aforementioned billions upon billions of dollars. Companies and their ad agencies go to great lengths to sell air. They research it, talk about it endlessly, deploy swarms of operatives to develop it, muster massive advertising budgets to justify it, socialize it, and in the end, arrive at a meaningless point to assess, decipher and begin the dance all over again. Make no mistake, the selling of “air” – aka the pursuit of nothingness - is simply incredible to behold. And nowhere will that be more on display than at this week’s Los Angeles Auto Show.

Kris Kristofferson once said in his signature song “Me & Bobby McGee” (recorded by Janis Joplin) that “Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose, And nothin' ain't worth nothin' but it's free…”

And for the automakers vying for attention out in L.A. this week, the selling of air will be taken to new heights because after all, they have nothing left to lose and besides it’s free, as some of the card-carrying lesser lights in the automotive journalism community will stumble all over themselves to project the nothingness for them. After all, it beats working for a living. (SELLING AIR IN L.A. – 11/18)

We, on the other hand, believe it's the early contender for AE's "Answer to the Question that Absolutely No One is Asking" for 2016. Land Rover PR minions suggested that the Evoque convertible "combines the bold design and refinement of the Range Rover Evoque with a sophisticated folding roof to create a versatile, all-season convertible SUV." And of course Land Rover strongly believes the new Evoque Convertible is going to be a worthy new entry in the market, at around $50,000. (11/18)

(Land Rover)
Range Rover Evoque Convertible.

By now, anyone who is even mildly aware of the public discourse on business leadership has been inundated with the idea of “disrupting” or “disruption.” It is all the rage, in fact, with GM CEO Mary Barra - ably abetted by hordes of PR minions crawling all over the social media space trying to craft her image as the company’s “chief disruptor” – being one of the lead proponents of it. What is it? The notion of disruption is everywhere. In fact it’s swarming what passes for American culture these days. In past eras, if somebody came up with a quirky little idea or looked at things a little differently, it would be considered a brainstorm and nothing else and if it worked out, great. Some of those ideas were momentous of course – the Wright Brothers, Thomas Edison, Henry Ford, etc., etc., etc. – but some were just nice ideas that resonated over time or simply fell by the wayside. It was part of everyday life.

Now? It’s OhEmGee 24/7. It’s not just an idea, oh no. Now, it’s not just innovative, why, it’s disruptive! Like, oh, let’s see, tail warmers for dogs and cats! Yes, that’s it! You may have realized by now that in this social media swirl we live in today we have been reduced to The Land of Exclamation Points! Everything is amazing! Everything is disruptive! It’s not just an idea; it’s worthy of Silicon Valley seed money! It has gotten a little tedious, don’t you think? Make that a lot tedious, to the point that it’s sickening.

As for Mary Barra’s disruption (it’s starting to sound like a Lifetime movie title), for those signed up for it (and marching to Barra’s orders), it meant going to Silicon Valley this past summer and being immersed in the so-called “culture” at work in some of the show pony tech companies out there. It’s all in line with Barra’s fundamental belief that the business world begins and ends with Stanford, and that all her company needs is a big dose of clear thinking as presented by The People Who Are Smarter Than We Are, and it will all be good for GM, and of course any other company ready to embrace the idea of becoming enlightened. For those not signed up for it and who clearly see it for what it really is, which is the new, contemporary spin referring to “outside of the box” thinking, it’s nothing to get worked up about. It’s nice to finally put that hoary chestnut to rest, but I’m not sure this new alternative is all that much better. (DISRUPTION IN THE LAND OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! – 11/25)

But the harsh reality of observing years of ups and downs in this business has taught those who know better, or should know better, to be wary. Very wary. Because the moment the thought that this might go on forever creeps into the consciousness of some of these executives, you can be certain that will be exactly the moment that the inevitable slide begins in earnest.

I know executives in this business love talking about the fantastic SAAR (Seasonally Adjusted Annual Rate) that’s happening right now for light vehicle sales, which is at a rockin’ 18.23 million vehicles, but this just in: There is no “forever” in this business. Instead, there are hard-won lessons and time-honored adages, and there is nothing “forever” about it.

To say the automobile business is predictably cyclical doesn’t do it justice. This is the most death-defying roller-coaster ride imaginable. The rush from the euphoric highs is only exceeded by the stomach-churning lows, and this cycle has been repeated over and over again throughout the history of this industry. In fact it is so ingrained in this industry that it has become part of the standard operating procedure, playing out like clockwork.

That all of this is lost upon too many people immersed in this business is at the very least unfathomable and more to the point, simply inexcusable. Make no mistake: the stench of inevitability is out there. Indeed it’s starting to waft over this business as you read this. The fact that for too many who should know better it’s colorless, odorless and invisible is really too bad. (THE STENCH OF INEVITABILITY. – 12/2)

With the holidaze (misspelling intentional) fast approaching, I thought it might be a good idea to hand out some stocking stuffers to some of the more illustrious members of the automotive community. Now, in case you were wondering, this isn’t some altruistic-tinged rebirth or me turning over of a new leaf. That would be a little weird, wouldn’t it? No, this is me playing full-on Bad Santa, complete with rosy red cheeks aglow, black boots polished to a mirror finish and spurs sharpened with razor-like precision. Wait, a Santa with spurs? Yes, and spiked gloves to complement them. After all, while much high-fiving is going on in the corporate hallways throughout the industry over the The Boom That’s Never Gonna End, I thought it would be most appropriate to offer up some merry lumps of coal and a few other things to the proceedings. So without further ado then…

Alfa Romeo: If Alfa were in The Wizard of Oz, I would so love to bestow courage on the brand, or even a brain, because having a heart is only going to take the Italian ghost of a car company only so far. As I said when it appeared in L.A., the new Giulia Quadrifoglio is the most spectacular piece of vaporware this business has seen in years, but it won’t be enough to forge the grand vision for the brand harbored by Sergio The Great. And the more pedestrian Giulia is just that, a pedestrian entry to an already overcrowded field. Sergio’s vision of hinging FCA’s future on launching multiple competitive Alfa Romeo-branded entries into a market that is already oversaturated within an inch of its life is nothing more than a Christmas fantasy. A stocking full of hand-painted green, white and red coal for those toiling away on the Alfa brand under Sergio’s boot heel, because from here on out it’s a train ride headed straight for oblivion.

Fiat-Alfa Romeo Dealers. No dealers in the last decade have had more unmitigated bullshit spewed at them from the factory – aka Sergio – than the long-suffering Fiat-Alfa Romeo dealers. They’ve been promised the moon and the stars and everything in between, and have little to nothing to show for it. For that they get an official Autoextremist Bullshit Detector and ten cases of Tito’s Vodka.

Sergio The Great. It’s refreshing to see that Marchionne’s delusions of grandeur get the best of him every time. Yes, he’s tempered his empty rhetoric of late, suggesting that he isn’t going to attempt a hostile takeover of GM, but that doesn’t mean he’s mellowed or that he's had a sudden change of heart. It just means that he’s resigned to the fact that he has to find another partner, and quick. Remember, this is the guy who insists that Alfa Romeo will be “the next Audi.” That failed promise of Alfa Romeo has been Marchionne’s Groundhog Day for a full eight years now. For that Sergio gets his very own stuffed groundhog.

Acura. We’ve waited three-and-a-half long years for a new NSX sports car to be released and now that it’s almost here, the feeling of emptiness surrounding the Acura brand is palpable. Strongly believing in technology for technology’s sake, the powers that be at Acura think that by ladling on large amounts of gee-whiz “stuff” they can deliver a genuine driving difference with real conquest appeal, even though they’ve demonstrated repeatedly that they can’t. The people of Acura get a hand-delivered copy of Peggy Lee singing “Is That All There Is?” in their stocking. Watch it here.

Audi. Four rings operatives tried hard to keep the stinking VW fiasco from hammering the brand, and they succeeded, at least for a while. Now, they’re making excuses along with the rest of the VW group. But the diesel thing will be fixed, eventually. What really worries Audi is that its dealers are seeing a softening in unit profitability across the board, because the cost of doing business – meaning the incentives needed to attract buyers – is killing them. Stocking stuffer? Lumps of coal with the four rings imprinted on them. Why sugarcoat it?

Bentley. The German-engineered and funded, British-badged luxury automaker already received its stocking stuffer. They pulled out of the Detroit Auto Show in favor of more “experiential” marketing initiatives and auto shows that actually mean something to hyper-luxury automakers. Smart move.

BMW. Several books about the development of the famed 2002 just to remind them of what started it all, and how far removed from the plot they really are.

Buick. A primer on Bill Mitchell and an immersion in all of the great Riviera production cars and Silver Arrow concepts. Then we’ll talk.

Cadillac. A personally delivered lecture by The Autoextremist. The title? “Go Big or Go Home. And Why You Won’t Find ‘Cojones’ in the ‘Restrained’ Bin.”

Chevrolet. A new campaign theme worthy of the brand.

Chrysler. A product plan that actually has something in it other than a new minivan. Never mind. That’s asking far too much of a company that has Alfa Romeo on the brain.

Dodge. The purveyor of badass cop cars and throwback Hell Cat muscle cars needs nothing, as long as it doesn’t try to be anything else.

Fiat. The nostalgic Italian division of Sergio’s Empire is a sub-niche of a niche desperately seeking more. Even if FCA stopped importing everything but the 500X it wouldn’t have a shot, and the new 124 isn’t going to make a damn bit if difference either. As I’ve stated previously, Fiat is the little engine that wanted to be, fulfilling a role that it was never really cut out for. Stocking stuffer? A one-way ticket back to Italy.

Ford. A white stocking with blue stripes filled with more of everything, plus a crash re-do of the front-end design for the Edge.

GM. Mary Barra and Dan “I’m the next chairman, just ask me” Ammann have to stop thinking they’re smart enough to get by without a Chief Marketing Officer, and go out and get one.

GMC. A desperately needed rethink on every piece of communication they do, because everything they’re doing now is beneath the reach of the brand.

Honda. More enlightenment, more interesting cars that are a blast to drive and a rush on that rumored next-gen S2000.

Hyundai. Design integrity and genuine driving dynamic goodness. Soon.

Infiniti. An identity other than “the brand for people who for some strange reason can’t identify with Audi, BMW or Mercedes.”

Jaguar. Much success as it dances dangerously close to the flame in order to attract the same “new” buyers that every other brand in the luxury-performance market wants - aka younger people with money.

Jeep. Despite the best efforts of the prosciutto-fisted Italians marching to Sergio’s whims, Jeep has succeeded because the True Believers in Auburn Hills charged with stewardship of this iconic brand have managed to keep the non-essential combatants – aka those same Italians - from screwing it up. More good cheer for them.

Land Rover. Champagne wishes and caviar dreams, or something like that.

Lexus. As I said in the AE Brand Image Meter, Lexus is still the Eddie Haskell of the luxury auto space - the smiling, complimentary, overly solicitous and definitely annoying car company for consumers who don’t really care about cars. But in the end, it doesn’t matter. Toyota’s coldly calculated, blandtastic money machine doesn’t need a damn thing.

Lincoln. More and faster. And the Continental can’t arrive soon enough.

Mazda. Will Mazda ever be more than it is right now, the scrappy purveyor of interesting cars if you would just take the time to look? No, probably not, but Mazda operatives don’t mind and they don’t really need anything either.

Mercedes-Benz. The home of the three-pointed star, Mercedes is the most wildly inconsistent auto manufacturer in the world. When they’re “on” – see the magnificent new S-Class Coupe, for instance - they build absolutely glorious machines that live up to one of the great automotive legacies in the world. When they’re off, well, they can stink up the joint like no other. More of the “on” Mercedes, please. A lot more.

Porsche. Please, please, please don’t screw it up. Beyond that, nothing. The Porsche stocking is already overflowing with riches.

Subaru. For us personally, the brand is a non-starter. For the Subaru faithful, it’s like a warm campfire with s'mores and chamomile tea. Subaru doesn’t need anything more beyond that.

Tesla. Didn’t you hear? Elon is reinventing the Christmas stocking. It will hover by itself, generate enough electricity to heat your house, and it will have enough smoke and mirrors to keep the kids entertained for days.

Toyota. Armed with a war chest brimming with billions, Toyota doesn’t need a damn thing.

Volvo. With the perception hanging out there that it’s the car for people who question even owning a car in the first place, Volvo needs all the help - and presents - it can get.

VW. Well, let’s see, a new idea and a new image, for starters. And an American consumer buying public with amazingly short memories. Oh hell, what am I saying? Even that won’t be enough to salvage the holiday for VW. (STUFF THIS. – 12/9)

And so, here we are.

For a business that reached meteoric heights this year, why do I get the sinking feeling that it’s but a fleeting moment of euphoria, only to return to the two-steps-forward, three-back dance of mediocrity that’s so ingrained into the cadence of this industry? Well, that’s because it’s all part of the roller-coaster ride that defines the crazy business of designing, engineering, building and marketing automobiles. Get it right and it’s accolades and profits and bonuses like you wouldn’t believe. Get it wrong and you won’t even merit the decency of a place to hide. Add in sudden, unforeseen economic factors or world strife, and it’s a gut-wrenching test like no other industry I can think of.

Where is this industry headed, exactly? Those who predict that the good times are going to last another two years are entitled to their opinions, but I wouldn't count on that happening, because a hard, cold rain is gonna fall sooner rather than later.

And isn't it ironic that with this business on the threshhold of the "connected car" era, with the promise of autonomous cars and unlimited ride sharing et al, that we're about to embark on the most disconnected era in automotive history? With each passing year the driver and the act of driving will become more and more marginalized and de-emphasized. And this notion of car "sharing" will become the new buzzword.

For the touchy-feely proponents of it this will mean a brave, new, wonderful world. For the rest of us, it will be a descent into madness. Miranda Priestly once famously said, in describing a particulary disappointing scenario, "Not wonderful yet." How does that translate in describing the dismal "future" of the auto business? Not wonderful ever.

But enough about that. In dealing with the here and now, for all of its rough-hewn sensibilities, its boorish braggadocio, its relentless 24/7 slog that consumes everything and everyone immersed in it, the automobile business is about people. It’s about getting people to work together. It’s about getting people to lift their eyes up a few degrees so they can see over the top of their silos and understand that focused attention to detail in pursuit of a common goal can produce tremendous results for all concerned. It’s a long, hard road and a tough-as-nails business, and I have the utmost respect for the men and women who have not only survived in this industry, but who have thrived.

As if I need to remind many of you, I grew up in Detroit’s heyday, and I had the pleasure of knowing many of the industry giants. And I know many of the giants in the business today. Not surprisingly they share many of the same qualities: The steely determination, the dedication, the willingness to excel, the high personal expectations, and an unwavering passion and love for the business.

And in discussing those aforementioned qualities, I think it’s an excellent time to take a step back and remind people what this publication is all about. It’s good for the mind, it clears the air and it provides a moment of clarity for the lost souls wandering around in the automotive wilderness, the ones who can’t seem to separate the real from the imagined, or the pipe dreams from what’s truly important.

As I wrote in our sixteenth anniversary last June, I can assure you that creating this weekly publication requires a level of commitment and a relentless dedication that few out there would understand. Though it has been tremendously gratifying to become one of the most influential voices in this business, or as someone put it, “The Conscience of the Motor City,” with that role comes incredible pressure to deliver, week in and week out.

Not that I shirk from the expectations and high standards we have established, because in reality it’s just the opposite. In fact I thrive on those expectations and I love the fact that “phoning it in” is anathema to everything we’re about. Bringing the kind of incendiary commentary and perspectives that you can’t find anywhere else and doing so on a consistent basis is a worthwhile pursuit and provides a level of satisfaction that almost makes it all worth it. With “almost” being the operative word.

Let me elaborate on that “almost” comment for a moment, because in case you’re wondering I’m never satisfied with any of it. It can always be better, and that kind of relentless dedication to what Autoextremist has become fuels my passion every single day. We set out to “influence the influencers” with this publication and that’s exactly what we did and what we continue to do to this day.

For top executives at the global automakers and suppliers, dealer group principals, Wall Street analysts and of course, the carpal-tunnel-burdened hordes in the media in all of its forms, Autoextremist.com is one of the most closely watched “must reads” in this business. And that is exceptionally gratifying.

In the end, however, it’s never enough because, as I said, there’s always more to be had. And better. And edgier. So if you expect – or hope as the case may be - complacency to set in or for us to start going through the motions, you are setting yourself up for massive disappointment.

In fact, I’ve got really bad news for those who so wish I would just go away. You can expect The Autoextremist to come back refueled and powered up to a new level of intensity in 2016.

On that note, it’s a perfect time to bring the year to a close. WordGirl, Dr. Bud and I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and a healthy and Happy New Year. We’ll see you back here on January 6^th.

And that’s the High-Octane Truth for the Year.

Check out the latest episode of The High-Octane Truth on AutoextremistTV below. -WG