A kaleidoscope of the pretty good, the really bad and the just plain ugly. Welcome to The Land of Overpromise and Underdeliver, otherwise known as the 2014 Detroit Auto Show.

By Peter M. De Lorenzo

Detroit. How can I sum up the 2014 Detroit Auto Show in one word? Dazzling? No. Unexpected? Hardly. Thrilling? Well, not exactly, especially while watching Mercedes-Benz trying its desperate best to project itself as being youthful and hip before our very eyes, which gets more excruciating with each painful attempt (but I digress). 

Oh, there were a few gangbuster moments and some mild surprises, but there are several key words that need to be applied instead. There’s tedious for one, as in the pallor of sameness hanging over the proceedings was unmistakable. There’s predictable for another, as manufacturers engaged in repetitive incidents of shooting themselves in the head for no apparent reason, other than that it’s their usual default mechanism, of course. And then you really can’t endure a Detroit Auto Show without the words uninspired, confusing, underwhelming and that old standby – boring - being present and accounted for as well.

There were some revelations and highlights at least, thank goodness, which I’ll talk about. There was even a notable contract extension and a slobbering coronation to boot. Yes, the 2014 Detroit Auto Show was a lot of things to be sure, a kaleidoscope of the pretty good, the really bad and the just plain ugly thrown in for good measure. 

On with the show.

Because last time we checked, Asleep at the Wheel is a great Texas swing band, not a way to kick off a big-time Auto Show. The Detroit Auto Show proceedings began with the Chevrolet Corvette and Chevrolet Silverado grabbing the North American Car and Truck/Utility trophies, which was completely expected. After all of the hype bestowed on these two vehicles they were clearly the best choices on the list, given the parameters. My hat goes off to the True Believers at GM led by Mark Reuss, who kept their foot down hard on the pedal through some grim times to deliver genuine product excellence (even though Silverado’s time in the sun is going to be very short-lived for obvious reasons - more on that later). But there must be some radical changes to these awards, from the jurors and the presenters to the ceremony itself, because it’s dull, borderline tedious and pretty much sleepy time, especially when combined with the “official” kickoff ceremony for the show, which makes the whole thing feel just plain amateurish. Nothing short of a total rethink is in order. Please, we're begging you.

That’s 30-minutes of our lives we’ll never get back, thanks. The pre-reveal for the Corvette Z06 was supposed to be cool and authentic and all “in the now.” Instead, it was nothing more than a 25-minute long processional of a Chevy Silverado pickup hauling the new Corvette Z06 on a trailer down to Cobo Hall from GM’s Tech Center in Warren, with a phalanx of new Corvettes in tow, complete with breathless audio voiceover trying to inject at least a modicum of excitement to the proceedings. It didn’t work. It must have seemed like a good idea way back when they were thinking about how to make the Z06 reveal “special,” but in reality it reminded us of a certain low-speed police chase in Southern California eons ago that featured O.J. and that now infamous white Bronco. In other words, it was interminable. Where was the video highlighting the legacy of 60 plus years of Corvette in competition? There has to be some historical racing footage in the GM archives that would have made for a memorable visual presentation before the big reveal. Anyone? Bueller? It could have been so much better.

Other than that glaring miss, the Corvette Z06 was everything promised and more, a higher-performance version of an already scintillating high-performance machine, and a true world-class supercar by any measure. And having the 2014 Corvette C7.R IMSA racer unveiled right along with it made us forget about the tedious lead in, thank goodness.

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Let me get this straight: You guys studied one of the most competitive segments in the market. You allegedly did your due diligence while sweating over the details and you tweaked the nuances and gave it your best shot. And you come up with that? Let me just say this right up front, the new Chrysler 200 was such a massive yawn that if there was any doubt left that Fiat-Chrysler will be a Ram Truck and Jeep company going forward, it put paid to that notion in a hugely emphatic way. Have you ever heard the expression, “this car doesn’t photograph well, it looks much better in person”? Well, this isn’t one of those times. This is a car that doesn’t look even remotely as good in person as it does in the seriously massaged photos that accompany it. Not even close, in fact. Its derivative design is about as inspiring as one of Sergio’s charcoal gray sweaters and it borders on being claustrophobic on the inside, although the interior is nicely executed (I wouldn’t expect anything less from Chrysler lead interior designer Klaus Busse). With all due respect to the True Believers at Fiat-Chrysler who have done a tremendous job these last few years while tripping over their espresso-swilling Italian overlords in the hallways, the 200 not only isn’t a grand slam home run, it’s a pathetic grounder dribbled down the third base line that goes foul before it even gets close to the bag. Fiat-Chrysler will now be represented in the mid-size segment with a product entry, but that’s all. And that translates into giant steaming bowl of Not Good Enough.

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Porsche introduces its newly reinvigorated product strategy: Ka. And Ching. Porsche unveiled the 911 Targa at its press conference, a clear homage to a model that existed in the 60s and 70s. This latest “re-imagination” of the Targa concept was replete with the brushed aluminum Targa bar and a stupendously complicated automatic roof panel. It was cool, if you really are nostalgic for the Targa of old. Other than that, the new Targa was just the latest in a long line of calculated model extensions that Porsche has become masters of. Yes, as a matter of fact they do sit around thinking of more creative ways to extract money from the faithful, in case you’re wondering. It’s now their raison d’etre, in fact.

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How about Gimmicky, Misguided and Chock-Full of Clichés? The Infiniti Q50 Eau Rouge is such a classic screw-up I don’t even know where to begin. This whole business about Infiniti trying to somehow establish a link between hanging its name on the side of the Red Bull Racing Formula 1 machines and translating it into production cars worth desiring is not going well. At all. There is absolutely nothing about this car that suggests that Infiniti’s considerable financial involvement in the Red Bull Racing F1 team and having World Champion Sebastian Vettel act as technical adviser has been worth the effort, or even capable of yielding even a shred of desirability in the future. If the Q50 Eau Rouge concept “provides a glimpse of Infiniti’s design prowess for high-performance vehicles” as Infiniti PR operatives suggest, then the notion of Infiniti becoming “the Japanese Audi” can be put to rest for a long, long time to come. There is no amount of shimmering candy apple red paint in the world that can hide the amateurish, cliché-ridden design chaos at work on this car. And yet Infiniti had the nerve to call it “Muscular, Purposeful, Refined.”

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Memo to Infiniti: Sit Down, Shut Up. And Take Notes. Juxtaposed hard up against the Infiniti Q50 Eau Rouge was the 2015 Lexus RC F Lexus performance coupe. With 450+ horsepower from its 5.0-liter, 32-valve V8 and more than 383 lb.-ft. torque, a Torque Vectoring Differential (TVD) and a newly calibrated eight-speed Sports Direct Shift (SPDS) transmission with paddle shifters, the sheer presence of this new F model from Lexus made the Infiniti look amateurish by comparison. As in not even close. Yeah, coupes do usually look better, but that’s no excuse. Executed with a taut restraint that most Japanese designs lack, the Lexus RC F flat embarrassed its direct competitor at Infiniti. And deservedly so, I might add. I’m beginning to think Lexus just may pull off this transformation into becoming a purveyor of spirited high-performance machines. And this after 25 years of selling bland-tastic somnolence. Who knew?

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In the immortal words of Vince Lombardi, “What the hell is going on out there!” As bad as the Infiniti Eau Rouge concept was, the sheer design lunacy as expressed by the Nissan Sport Sedan Concept – which is supposed to telegraph the design language of the next Maxima – was simply shocking. Trying to decipher what’s going on right now in the Nissan Empire has become a debilitating exercise, as in, really? As in, this is the very best that you guys and gals can come up with at this point in time, in this business, when you’re literally surrounded by examples of great design everywhere you look? At the very least Nissan needs a regime change in Design, because they’ve clearly lost their frickin’ minds. Pathetic doesn’t even begin to cover it.

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A forgettable exercise in rote sausage making that will leave the senses cold and dark, to be more specific. Walking, I mean stumbling, through the displays at BMW and Mercedes-Benz was a frightening trip through a minefield of niche marketing that has gone so far off course that I don’t even know where to begin. These two car companies are parsing niche upon niche with the absolute conviction that it will somehow lead them to The Promised Land of Automotive Divinity, when in reality it will lead them both down the primrose path to image annihilation. As I mentioned early on, the Mercedes imperative to become a youthful brand has become excruciatingly embarrassing, having taken on all the gravitas of yet another Justin Bieber-acting-like-an-idiot story. And what about the Big Plan to have the CLA set the table for the new C-Class? How’s that working out? Especially when the two of them together were so resolutely uninspiring that it was simply shocking. And the new C-Class? It’s as dull as it gets.

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After negotiating the BMW display at Cobo, I’m quite certain that a BMW pickup truck is in our future. BMW was only marginally better than the minions at M-B, at least they aren’t attempting to shove “look at us, we’re hip” down our throats. The new 2 series made its debut, with the red M235i supposedly getting most of the attention, or was it the new M3 getting all the attention, or, wait a minute, maybe it was supposed to be the M4 Coupe? I’m not really sure. Or was it the 3 series GT? Or the X1, X3 or X5? Or the i3 or i8? And does it really matter? BMW, like Mercedes, has decided that a scorched-earth policy is simply the most brilliant stroke for this market. The Magic Formula (at least in their minds) goes something like this: More Vehicles + More Nameplates = Spectacular Results. That both manufacturers have managed to lose the plot entirely is inconsequential, apparently.

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We’ve driven sports cars. Sports cars have been friends of ours. That’s no sports car. Did Audi manage to distance itself from the BMW vs. Mercedes scrum? Well, not really. The smaller Q3 crossover was revealed, because, well, you just can’t get enough of them, according to Audi. And then Audi unveiled something called the “allroad shooting brake” that "combines a host of visual elements of future sports car models…” Audi is now officially designating all future crossovers as "sports car" offerings. It was, quite simply, one of the lowest moments to come out of the show because it confirmed the real “Truth in Engineering” when it comes to Audi: They think they’re better than BMW and Mercedes, which flat-out isn’t true. And remarkably enough they’re even more arrogant. And this just in: They’re never wrong either. Having this kind of attitude usually doesn’t end well for car companies. Audi will be no exception.

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Memo to the Korean auto industry: Until you get your collective heads out of your asses and start coming up with a design language of your own, you will continue to be not-ready-for-prime-time players. The Kia GT4 Stinger concept of a rear-wheel-drive sports car was nicely compact, jammed with interesting details and executed nicely overall. But we’ve seen it all before. And again. And before again. Stop it. (And the Kia K900? In the flesh the car was a hugely disappointing letdown. They should rename it the DD900, for Deeply Derivative. Ugh.)

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The Cadillac ATS Coupe is much hotter than expected. Nicely drawn and tautly executed, it definitely has its merits. But, Cadillac is having trouble delineating its new offerings in the market, despite the rosy boasts at the ATS Coupe media conference. It’s the old GM way coming through, as a matter of fact. Launch the ATS sedan, the CTS suffers. Launch the rejuvenated CTS, and now the ATS is suffering. Same as it ever was, eh, kids? The new ATS Coupe is a nice piece. I have zero confidence, however, that Cadillac marketing has a clue as to how to establish momentum for it in the market. One of the giant “we’ll sees” for 2014, at the very least.

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The new Subaru WRX STi will make the fan boys happy, we just don’t care. The Volvo Concept XC Coupe won the Eyes on Design Award at the show, and it was nicely executed in person, but the design award winner? Not. So. Much. (See it in “On The Table” – WG.) The new BMW Mini, I mean the Mini BMW, or whatever the hell you want to call it, was only minimally interesting. I wanted to throw a giant tarp over the Mini display and turn the lights off - the act has become so stale. GM’s new “mid-size” trucks – the Chevy Colorado and GMC Canyon – are nicely executed but huge. As a matter of fact, the first manufacturer who develops a truly compact pickup for this market that can be had for under $20,000, all-in, would do well with it. (Memo to BMW executives: For the Love of Everything Righteous and Holy please ignore that last comment.)

The Acura TLX is supposed to be Acura’s Next Big Thing, but we were not amused. In fact, let’s face it, no one underwhelms like Acura underwhelms. It’s truly become their thing. At least they had a racing version of the car there to distract from the fact that the production car was instantly forgettable. Thank goodness the new Honda Fit understands its mission and was true to it. Not flashy or a sensation by any means, but decently executed and presented nonetheless.

Ford showed its new Mustang, which is now the second time it has been shown in public, and it holds up well. One thing that an Auto Show can’t do for you is project the true presence that a vehicle will have on the street when you see it in the flesh. I can assure you that the new Mustang has a real presence when you see it on the street, noticeably different – and better - than the current car. And the convertible version looks really good too. Then again the Mustang as a product isn’t the issue. The real question is how many times does Ford PR plan to “introduce” the car to the public before it gets to be stale and yesterday’s news? The next opportunity for Mustang noise will be at the New York Auto Show in April, which happens to be the 50^th anniversary of the launch of the original Mustang. But how many times is too many? We’re about to find out. I just hope the car doesn’t end up on the State Fair circuit before it’s all said and done.

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An unexpected gem in the Ford display was the presence of the Ford 1 Concept, which was the compact, mid-engine, two-seater that Ford unveiled at the U.S. Grand Prix in Watkins Glen, New York, back in 1962. It was also the first time “Mustang” appeared on a Ford vehicle. It still looks fabulous today.

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And now, in conclusion…

The Nancy Kerrigan “Why Me, Why Now?” Award goes to… The VW Beetle Dune concept. As in you have to be kidding, right? There’s some convoluted explanation roiling around out there as to why this dismal exercise in “Yeah, that’s right, we don’t have a frickin’ clue as to what we’re doing” product “imagination” exists, but I haven’t heard of one that makes a lick of sense. For all of the "I'm the King of the World!" plans of their maniacal leader, Dr. Piech, VW manages to shoot itself in the head in this market with its house brand, repeatedly. And they still don't get it. What a mess. 

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The Just Take Me Out Back and Shoot Me Award goes to… The Toyota FCV (fuel cell concept vehicle), which had not one single redeeming quality about it. Not one. It’s a design abomination of monumental proportion. Congratulations to all who were involved with it, we hope you’re able to find work.

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Contrast the embarrassing Toyota fuel cell vehicle with Honda’s FCEV Concept. The Honda projects a clear-eyed vision of the future, while the Toyota projects a journey into the depths of Hell.

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The Alfred E. Neuman “What, Me Worry?” Memorial Award goes to… Look, overall the new Hyundai Genesis is capable, nicely executed and it telegraphs how great the next-gen production Equus could be. But the designers are on a one-way train – next stop, Crazy Town – and the front end “grin” is simply grille madness. It pretty much ruins the entire car.

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Welcome to the Bunny Rabbit Express, Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s gonna be a long ride. The keyboard-stained Automotive Media, or at least the half of the "5,500" who were actually there to cover the show - as opposed to the hangers-on, tourists and other non-essential combatants who were strolling around looking for free food and drink - should all be ashamed of themselves, or at least the ones who produced the gushing headlines and tweets that went something like this: "Forget the cars, the real star of the 2014 Detroit Auto Show is MARY BARRA!!!!" I mean seriously, or to be more to the point, WTF? As in WTF has she done other than to say, "I'm humbled for being chosen" or some such nonsense for the 623rd time this week? Plucked from obscurity by Captain Queeg as a final kiss-off to the industry and the company he personally loathed and despised, the coronation of Queen Mary by certain sniveling members of the media – oh, and you know damn well who you are - for no apparent reason other than the fact that she was wearing an executive-issued pantsuit was simply beyond the pale and a flat-out disgrace. An unconscionable, nay legendary display of boot-licking the likes of which this business has never seen before. Memo to those members of the automotive media who actually participated in and created the syrupy “Life is all bunny rabbits and rainbows now at GM!” angle to your auto show stories: There will be a bus boarding today at 2:00 p.m. behind Cobo Hall. You will have free WI-Fi, be issued free laptops, given endless food, drink and booze, and you can sing songs and participate in group hugs to your hearts’ content. And you will be able to write endless, gushing stories about The Queen for the rest of your lives. Oh, and just one more minor detail: You will never be seen or heard from again. 

And what would the 2014 Detroit Auto Show be without more news from the departing Captain Queeg and The Great Sergio? Akerson, of course, had Queen Mary in tow on his slow-motion, hackneyed victory lap of sorts at the show on Tuesday (today is the Unctuous Prick’s Last Day, by the way) because, in case you’ve forgotten, Akerson’s three-pronged (count ‘em) legacy that’s being crafted as you read this by his Chief Apologist/PR Bag Man Selim Bingol consists of the following: 1. Dan Akerson alone saved General Motors from itself. Nobody else. Not the True Believers in Design. Not the True Believers in Engineering. Not the True Believers in Product Development. It was Dan Akerson alone who saved GM and don’t you ever forget it. 2. He’s the Greatest GM CEO Of All Time, period. And 3. He’s the brilliant visionary who was singularly responsible for promoting a woman to be the first CEO of a car company. Not that she’s eminently qualified, of course, that’s beside the point, in fact. Mary Barra is as qualified to be CEO of GM as “Amway Bob” Ferguson – GM’s ex lobbyist - is to be running Cadillac. In Akerson’s twisted little mind it all made perfect sense, and he gleefully applied the same warped logic to both decisions in a malicious display of condescension the likes of which we’ll never see again. He did it, therefore he’s The Man. That’s all we need to know, right? Right. Good riddance, Dan, and have fun regaling your D.C. cronies on how you alone saved GM. Your sheer, unmitigated loathsomeness will not soon be forgotten.

As if that weren’t enough, from the "Hallefrickin-luja” File came word that The Great Sergio is staying on for another three years. Well, of course he is. After all, when you're king of a pathetic little world of your own making – complete with 432 direct reports or whatever the number is - why would you want to do anything else? Now that Sergio and the espresso-swilling hordes from that Monument to Automotive Mediocrity - aka Fiat – officially have the keys to the Jeep and Ram Truck goldmine, they're not gonna let go. There’s serious ca$h-ola to be made, son. As a matter of fact, the Italians are going to forget about Italy altogether to be closer to their cash machine, right out there in Auburn Hills. Sergio's world is a beautiful thing and we - and the worker bee True Believing drones out in Auburn Hills - are simply lucky to be a part of it. And so it goes.

And now, the real awards…

Best Design: To write about the 2014 Detroit Auto Show and not mention the Cadillac Elmiraj, which made its debut last August at Pebble Beach, would be criminal, because it was still the best design here, and if it weren’t for the Corvette, it would be my Best in Show, hands down. It’s that good. It’s everything Cadillac should be. And if the new large sedan that’s coming - which is said to be based off of the Elmiraj - is anything even close to it, Cadillac will have well and truly arrived. Cadillac needs to make a statement vehicle and not worry about making one dime on it. And they should start with the Elmiraj. If they do that, the long-term benefits to the brand would be incalculable.

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Best Design, Honorable Mention: The Mercedes-Benz S-Class Coupe was simply stunning in person. It’s everything that Mercedes-Benz once was and should be again, all in one elegantly rendered, masterful design stroke. Forget that car company I mentioned earlier that rumbles, bumbles and stumbles around searching for the Fountain of Youth, because that company is being held hostage by the embarrassing, misguided notions of a regime that needed to be changed years ago. (Yeah, that means you, Dieter. And take your pitiful entourage with you.) The Mercedes-Benz S-Class Coupe is exactly what Mercedes needs to be in this market. Everything else they’re up to is unmitigated bullshit personified.

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The Most Significant vehicle to the U.S. market and the Industry at Large: The Ford F-150. The hand-wringing over the new, aluminum-intensive F-150 by certain spineless weasels in the esteemed automotive media was ha-ha laughable. They spent all their time whining about whether the “700 pounds” of weight savings was a mirage and totally missed the point altogether. This truck is a flat-out a game changer and a grand slam home run, pure and simple. Yes, Ford is hanging their asses out in the breeze and it will affect their short-term profitability, but eighteen months from now they will be so far ahead of the rest of the industry it won’t even be close. Notice you didn’t hear the competition throwing darts or grousing about the F-150, because they know exactly what it means. It’s where the entire industry will be going – car and truck - and now they’re all of a sudden five years behind. A gutsy, brilliant play by Ford that will change this industry forever.

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Best in Show: The Chevrolet Corvette Z06. This machine is the culmination of years of dedication and the relentless pursuit of excellence by the gifted True Believers at GM, and it exudes passionate details throughout. Powerful, capable and blistering fast, this American supercar can take its place among the world’s best high-performance machines without apologies. This is no question the finest Corvette built to date, until the next one comes along, that is. Congratulations to everyone involved. 

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And that’s the High-Octane Truth for this week.