THE AUTOEXTREMIST

November 11, 2009

The Ultimate “Me-Too” Machine.

By Peter M. De Lorenzo

(Posted 11/10, 7:30am) Detroit. We are about to be inundated with ads for the new cross wagons from a variety of manufacturers. No, not “crossovers” - the term that has managed to creep into the American car-buying consumer public’s consciousness after being constantly being beaten about the head and shoulders with it for going on years now – but cross wagons, the particularly bad combination of tall sedan and awkward-looking station wagon, as best exemplified by the new BMW 5 Series “Gran Turisimo.”

(Yes, the Honda Crosstour is almost as offensive, but Honda is being granted a modicum of slack today since it is, after all, in the people moving business to a degree.)

But BMW? Isn’t this the same company that basically invented the concept of purposeful, intelligent design with the iconic 2002, that ultimate example of form following function? And isn’t this the company that managed to single-handedly educate legions of American driving enthusiasts about the fine art of a more balanced high-performance driving equation with overall operating efficiency, the antithesis of “muscle” for muscle’s sake?

Yes, it’s the same company, but the mission has changed apparently. What once was a purveyor of crisply-executed sporting luxury machines has devolved into just another car company, a rumbling, bumbling, stumbling monolith chasing every last possible marketing segment – both real and imagined – in its ongoing quest to become the dreaded “all things to all people,” which is about as far away from its original mission as you can possibly get.

Oh, and what was that mission again? Don’t bother to ask anyone at BMW because they will drop tons of research and statistics on your head that suggest that they absolutely needed to do the 5 Series GT, that all they’re doing is giving the people exactly what they want. (I wince every time I type “GT” in conjunction with this egregious design mishmash, by the way. The 5 “cross wagon” is about as far away from being a Gran Turisimo as you can get.)

Really?

Are “the people” clamoring for an overweight, ungainly “tall” BMW 5 Series, which doesn’t handle as well as regular 5 Series and gets poorer gas mileage to boot? I find that very difficult to believe. But then again, what the people want or expect from BMW seems to be irrelevant to the brain trust at BMW these days. After all, how do you explain the X6? Or even more puzzling, how do you explain the X6 with the “M” high-performance package?

Seeing BMW go from making “Ultimate Driving Machines” to making a series of awkward-looking transportation devices that regularly tip the scales closer to 5,000 pounds has been painful to watch. I’ve talked about the weight creep in our vehicles before in previous columns, as in - too much gadgetry + too much technology for technology’s sake = Not Good - but the fact that BMW has shockingly led the charge with a series of vehicles that are barely recognizable as BMWs except that they still carry the blue and white propeller emblem is almost beyond comprehension

And for those who argue that BMW is catering to the Chinese market’s influence with the 5 Series GT (the Chinese are big on riding in their vehicles while placing the emphasis on rear seat room) and they’re only chasing where the market is going in terms of profitability, well then I say that’s unmitigated bullshit. Where is it written that you have to completely abandon all pretense of your raison d’etre in order to chase a market segment and profitability? Why not take the opportunity to establish the BMW brand’s distinctive driving difference in a market that offers a blank canvas for image creation and marketing, instead of following the trends?

To make matters worse, there’s a new print ad for BMW that equates joie de vivre - as explained by Catherine Malandrino, member of the Council of Fasion Designers of America - with the new BMW Gran Turismo. Nothing against Ms. Malandrino's whimsical meanderings per se – I’m sure they’re appealing to English majors and fans of contemplative thought - but equating the styling disaster that is the Gran Turismo with high fashion and beautiful design? Not only is it a stretch, it’s quite simply an outrage, no matter how they try to obscure the car by shooting it with the “right” lens and from the “right” angle so as to conceal its whale-like profile.

The sad thing about all of this is that BMW used to have one of the most unimpeachable images in this business. They stayed focused, they rarely wavered and they stuck to what they knew best year-in and year-out. But then things got weird. They started chasing segments that they had no business playing in, and they went off the rails with a parade of vehicles that had nothing to do with who they were and what they were about.

In short, they got greedy.

The problem is that if a car company does this wandering around lost in the desert routine long enough, they wake up one day finding it difficult to remember what they were about in the first place, which is exactly where BMW finds itself today.

What is BMW again, exactly? Is it a sportier Mercedes, or is it not-quite-as-hip competitor to Audi when it comes to considering the German auto manufacturers?

It used to be a question that never had to be asked. I am certain of one thing, however, and that is with every bloated 5 Series GT or X6 that’s unleashed on the landscape a little bit more of BMW’s original essence and once-distinctive character is slowly but surely being eroded away.

There once was a time - a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away - when BMW marched to a different drummer and confidently went its own way. Now? It’s a “me-too” car company flailing around with other “me-too” car companies for the exact same piece of marketing ground.

And, as we like to say around here: Not Good.

Thanks for listening.

(Photos courtesy of BMW)

 

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