August 20, 2008

Deafening silence, long roads, and The Talk, Part I.

By Dr. Bud E. Bryan

Austin, Texas. I know, I know…some of you long-time readers out there were pretty upset with me after that last column, what with the smoldering encounter with Molly’s mom, aka Janey the Flirt. But, nothin’ really happened; just some silly little business at a nice little pool party is all. Yes, Janey is definitely hot, and she’s smart and sultry, and did I mention how hot she was? But Hell, as I said, it didn’t amount to nothin’ and nobody got hurt, and I didn’t run off with her, so…

Oh, but there was plenty of trouble afterwards that had nothin’ to do with me, well sort of nothin’ anyway. Janey was enjoying the margarita I made her while standing across the pool from me when Julie decided it was high time she went over and gave her what for - or somethin’ like that. As I said, when Julie has a little too much to drink, she can get real feisty. So apparently when she went back in the house with Jolene, Julie took it upon herself to down another drink in like 30 seconds, and the next thing I know, I look across the pool and there’s Julie and Janey having words – loudly – with the two of them just inches apart.

All I heard was Janey saying, “Don’t you dare call me that you little bitch!”

Before I could finish saying to Jack, “We got some trouble brewin’. You best get over there before Julie dumps Janey in the pool,” he was over there in a flash pulling Julie away, with the assistance of Jolene.

I decided to get over there myself, and as the two of them led Julie right past me she tossed an “Asshole!” aimed at me back over her shoulder.

I just kept walking.

Janey was still hot, standing there with her arms folded, when I approached.

“You alright?”

“Just fine,” she said through her clenched teeth.

“You sure?”

“Fine,” giving me a look that suggested if I knew what was good for me I’d walk away.

Now, I’ve been around enough pissed-off women in my life to know when to say when, but as I turned to head back to my post I hear her say…

“Where are you going?”

“Uh, I thought it would be better if I get back to bar-tendin’, if you know what I mean.”

“You’re over-thinking things again, Bud. Come here.”

“Look, Janey, it would probably be better for both of us – and the party – if I went back to my post.”

“Fuck the party. Did you get my card?”

“Yes, I did.”

“You gonna call me?”

“Look, Janey, this probably isn’t the time or the place for us to be having this discussion.”

With that she just burst out laughing.

“Oh really, Bud, do ya’ think?”

“Look, I gotta get back, I mean, with Jolene here and all it’s inappropriate.”

“Inappropriate? You’re damn right it’s inappropriate.”

With that she grabbed me, pulled me right against her and planted a kiss on me in a nanosecond, one of those “Holy shit” moments that I didn’t anticipate.

After she let me go, she said, “You think about it, Bud. Real hard.”

With that she found Molly and the two of them walked out, with Molly protesting the entire way, not wanting to leave. Not two seconds later Molly came right back (her mom agreed to let her get a ride home later).

As I turned to make my way back to the bar, I see Jolene standing not 20 feet away, burning a hole through me with her glare.

As I started to walk toward her, she turned on her heel and walked back to the house.

Not good. Double Not Good.

When I got back to the bar, Jack says to me, in a burst of inspired thinking, “I think I get it.”

“Get what?”

“Your ‘You Just Never Know’ theory. You really do just never know, do you?”

“Oh that. Yeah, well, it’s mine, it’s copyrighted, and you can’t use it without my permission…”

I grinned at him and we both chuckled.

“I believe Julie is gonna have one Hell of a hangover tomorrow.”

“Yeah. And I’ll pay for it too,” Jack said sheepishly.

The rest of the party went off without a hitch. The kids had a blast, and I got more close-up views of hot little Teen Queens than Vladimir Nabokov’s best dreams. So, it was all good. Or not.

Later that night, after Jack and I policed the entire pool area and cleaned up everywhere, I finally got up to bed, where Jolene was already sound asleep. I fortunately had stopped drinkin’ my own margaritas early enough in the evening – switching to water – so I woke up feelin’ good and fairly rested.

As I arrived down at the kitchen the next morning, Julie and Jolene were engaged in a low-volume conversation, which they abruptly ended as soon as I made my appearance.

My “Good Mornin’” met with stone silence.

I saw Jack sitting out by the pool readin’ the paper, so I grabbed some coffee and headed out there.

“I’m getting the silent treatment - in stereo - from Jolene and Julie. Have they said anything to you?”

“Nah. They’re both hung over and they’re still mad as Hell about last night, but other than that, they’ll get over it.”

I like Jack. He makes a lot of sense at times, in his own way.

Just then, Jolene walks out and comes right over to me.

“What time are we leaving?”

“Whenever you want, Babe, just let me know.”

“Then we’re leaving in fifteen minutes.”

With that she walked, make that stormed, away.

“Oops.” Jack said, seriously. “Not Good, as you say, Bud. Not Good at all.”

By the time Jack and I got back in the house, Jolene had our stuff packed up and ready to go and she was hugging Julie. I grabbed our bags and headed out the front door with Jack, not bothering to say anything to Julie, as it was clear that she wasn’t having anything to do with me that morning.

We were in our car and down the road in a matter of moments.

Now, the drive from greater Dallas down to Austin isn’t one of the most captivating trips, to say the least. As a matter of fact it’s down right boring. But when your significant other has her lips welded shut, it makes it even worse.

And Jolene didn’t say a word or acknowledge my presence the entire ride home. Not once. I played some music and occupied myself for the duration, but the icy silence made the drive interminable. I just pressed on, upping my speed and staying on alert for radar cowboys, and we made it back without incident and in damn near record time.

We pulled up; she got right out of the car and went inside, letting me bring the bags in. As I got in, I quickly realized that she had gone to our bedroom and shut the door.

Not wanting to be sitting around waiting for some sign of communication, I got in my car and went up to our giant Whole Foods (it’s the biggest one in the country, complete with the company’s corporate headquarters above it), and I sat and read the paper.

I got back a couple hours later to find a note on the kitchen table. It read:

Bud,

I went out to the store and to do some errands.

When I get back, we need to talk.

J

No, sir, those four words don’t get any better or easier no matter how old you are or how long you’ve been with someone. It brings a chill to a man’s soul like no other four words on the planet.

I went in, turned the TV on, and reclined on the couch. The next thing I knew it was an hour later – I had dozed off - and I hear Jolene coming through the side door.

I sat up and waited for her to find me. Ten minutes later, after she was through rustling around in the kitchen and putting stuff away, she walked in and sat down on the couch next to me.

She just looked at me for a moment, not saying a word, but I could tell she had been crying.

“Bud…”

To be continued…