ON THE TABLE

Wednesday, December 16, 2009 at 08:23AM
Editor

December 16, 2009

 

(Ford)
The new 2011 Mustang GT- which will be introduced in two weeks at the Detroit Auto Show - boasts an all-new aluminum 5.0-liter V-8, which uses advanced four-valve Twin Independent Variable Camshaft Timing (Ti-VCT) to deliver 412 horsepower and 390 ft.-lb. of torque and projected unsurpassed highway mileage for a V8 pony car of 25 mpg. The all-new aluminum four-valve-per-cylinder heads feature a compact roller finger follower valvetrain layout leaving more room for high-flow ports for free-breathing performance. The aluminum block was developed for optimized windage and oil drainback under lateral conditions and high rpm, such as track-day outings. Increased main bearing bulkhead widths and nodular iron cross-bolted main bearing caps with upsized bolts were also employed to accommodate the significant performance increase. Other features include increased capacity and baffling of the deep-sump stamped steel oil pan to enable sustained high-rpm use and offer the convenience of 10,000-mile oil change intervals. Piston-cooling jets also were incorporated for performance-minded customers and for faster oil warm-up on cold start. And specially designed tubular exhaust headers were developed to maximize exhaust pulse separation and improve flow. A team analyst actually fabricated the tubular headers in his home workshop, bringing the CAE design to life. The six-speed automatic transmission on the 2011 Mustang GT will deliver up to an estimated 25 mpg highway and 17 in the city. This is up from 23 mpg highway and 17 city for the 2010 model. Six-speed manual transmission Mustang GT models for 2011 are projected to deliver 24 mpg highway and 16 city, matching the 2010 model but delivering significantly more horsepower and performance feel. The engine, as shipped, weighs just 430 pounds, 20 percent less than the previous 5.0-liter offering. Lower mass can be attributed to the aluminum block and heads, the lightweight composite intake manifold, composite cam covers and hollow camshafts. (12/28)

(Ford)
The 2011 Ford Mustang GT.

(Ford)
The "5.0" emblem is prominently displayed on each front fender of the 2011 Ford Mustang GT. The 2011 Mustang GT also adds specially tuned Electric Power Assist Steering (EPAS), 11.5-inch front and 11.8-inch rear vented disc brakes, and an enhanced suspension with improved rear lower control arm and stiffened rear stabilizer bushings. For enthusiasts, a Brembo brake package - with larger rotors and calipers from the Ford Shelby GT500® Mustang - and unique 19-inch wheels and summer performance tires, is offered.

 Saab. The End is Here for Saab. General Motors Co. is shutting down Saab after talks with Spyker Cars fell through to sell the division. “Despite the best efforts of all involved, it has become very clear that the due diligence required to complete this complex transaction could not be executed in a reasonable time," GM Europe president Nick Reilly said in a statement today. A sad day for Saab fans. (!2/18)

 GM, Chevrolet. Publisher's Note: By now the "Chevy Volt Dance" has been seen by countless individuals both within and outside this business on YouTube, and I must say, just when I thought GM couldn't step on their collective dicks any harder than they already have, here comes the most wildly inexplicable outrage yet. In fairness, I always try to step back and ask the following question: Would it be hip if an import manufacturer did it? Because American car companies - especially GM - get slammed all the time and usually for just being associated with "Detroit," and it's totally unfair in a lot of cases. But not in this case. Oh no. Whatever the concept was - oh never mind, there was no concept, and when you add in the frighteningly bad choreography and stupid music, wow - it ends up being an impressively moronic cocktail of Not Good. The "Chevy Volt Dance" is as bad as it gets, as a matter of fact it's an atrocity that will live long after its "been there, saw that" date, careening around the Internet in this day and age of instant video notoriety as a haunting reminder to one and all that these bozos don't have even a shred of a clue. We've never given more than three "down" arrows here at AE, but for a fleeting moment we considered giving this train wreck at least five, just on general principles. - PMD (12/16)

 "Big Ed" Whitacre. GM's chairman and interim CEO told reporters yesterday that they need to find a new CEO who has “a desire to lead a big company,” and "a person that's a motivating, inspirational leader that's familiar with big companies - manufacturing or industrial - would be helpful.” And may we add, somebody who would would fire everyone directly responsible for the "Chevy Volt Dance" and even more important, understand the reasons why it never should have seen the light of day. (12/16)

 Johan de Nysschen. Publisher's Note: The Audi of America President and someone I consider to be one of the top executives in this business spoke out again at an appearance at the National Press Club in Washington yesterday, saying, "I understand why political leaders have fallen in love with hybrids and electrics. But this may be the one time you'll hear someone in Washington say it shouldn't be a monogamous relationship." What Johan is saying is that there are technologies available right now - as in diesel - that don't require massive government subsidies to be cost efficient, and he makes an excellent point. David Shepherdson, reporting for the Detroit News Washington Bureau, said that "De Nysschen favors using diesel technology and allowing the marketplace to pick the winners and losers. He urged the government not to be 'prejudging winning and losing technologies' and urged more work to standardize biodiesel rules." And Johan went on to say that, "The 50 percent or so price increase that the Volt represents over a similar gasoline car cannot be offset through the savings from reduced fuel compensation. The only way to offset the extreme premium is through taxpayer-funded subsidies." Look, the electrification of the automobile is real, but the delusions of grandeur being bandied about in Washington as to the penetration of electric vehicles in our nation's overall fleet are just that. Electric vehicles will be part of the overall solution, but just a part. de Nysschen added that "Paying customers to drive your cars is not sustainable." He is absolutely right. Our headlong rush into the electrification of the automobile needs to be tempered with the facts. And the facts are that this country doesn't have the ability or the capacity to deliver electric vehicles on a mass scale - not to mention that we'll have to pay consumers to drive them - and we won't be able to until closer to 2020 at the earliest, despite the wildly bullish predictions by the Obama administration. - PMD (12/16)

 Ford, GM, VW, Subaru. Finalists for the 2010 North American Car and Truck of the Year awards are the Ford Fusion Hybrid, Buick LaCrosse and Volkswagen Golf (car), and the Ford Transit Connect, Chevrolet Equinox and Subaru Outback (truck). The winners will be announced on January 11th at Cobo Hall. (12/16)

 The City of Detroit, State of Michigan, GM. After receiving a $50 million, 20-year tax break from the Michigan Economic Growth Authority, GM agreed to keep 2,000 employees - half the number they have there now - at the Detroit Renaissance Center, as they continue to consolidate their workforce in four locations in southeast Michigan. The alternative? GM leaves the RenCen completely, which would have been a devastating blow.

(Audi)
Who are these guys and what are they doing looking so out of place standing next to Justin Timberlake? That's Peter Schwarzenbauer, Member of the Board of Management of Audi AG for Marketing and Sales on the left, and Audi CEO Robert Stadler on the right, in Ingolstadt, Germany. Justin is going to be an "Audi brand ambassador" beginning in 2010, to help with the Internet launch of the new Audi A1 in the spring.

(BMW)
The MINI Beachcomber Concept will make its debut at the North American International Auto Show (16–24 January 2010) in Detroit. Featuring on open body design, a new all-wheel drive system - "ALL4" - and a flexible interior, the Beachcomber Concept is "ideal for a spontaneous and active experience" according to the MINI minions. With seating for four and designed without doors or a conventional roof, the Beachcomber Concept is based on the MINI crossover vehicle that will be launched later this year in markets outside of North America.

(BMW)

Publisher's Note: Our friend Casey Shane - aka "artandcolour" - sent along his Seasons Greetings and best wishes to AE, and we thought our readers would enjoy seeing two more of his provocative digital illustrations as well! - PMD

 

 

Step right up, The Best of “On the Table” 2009 is Here!

Well, now that you mention it, no. GM led off the year with a new marketing campaign emphasizing some of their more stellar products while talking about mileage and other competitive advantages. It did a decent job right up until the end when they finished-off the spots with a question - "Surprised?" - which totally blew their case to smithereens.  (1/7/09)

 

"You likin' us now, aren't ya?" Japan Inc. - and its auto industry leaders – was so worried about the state of the U.S. economy, and more important, the precarious position of the yen vs. the dollar that an annual New Year's party hosted by the Japan Automobile Manufacturers Association provided us with our very first AE Quotes of the Week for 2009. Quote No. 1 (by Takeo Fukui, then president and chief executive of Honda Motor Co., as reported by the Associated Press): "First of all, the U.S. market has to recover," he told reporters. "The yen is at an abnormally high level. The Japanese economy needs its export industries." Quote No. 2 came from Toyota's President Katsuaki Watanabe: "We tried to create a business that can withstand currency fluctuations, but the latest changes have been too much." Maybe what he should have said to be accurate was this: "We tried to create a business that was primarily based on our government's tremendous ability to manipulate the yen, but now, not so much." And our Quote No. 3 came from Toyota's Honorary Chairman, Shoichiro Toyoda, a member of the company's founding family, who stressed the importance of an American recovery: "We are all in trouble without an American recovery," he told The Associated Press. "The American economy has a big impact on the world." (1/7)

 

Would you miss it? As we predicted, the Pontiac G8 sport truck that was scheduled to debut in the fall of 2010 would never see the light of day in the U.S. market. Though the GM sport truck drew a brief stir from latent El Camino fetishists/fan boys when it was unveiled last spring at the New York Auto Show, the thing was dead in the water the moment GM took the wraps off it. (1/7)

 

Come to think of it, you guys suck. The Wall Street Bumblers and ex-GE brainiacs (aka Cerberus) thought they'd waltz into the car business, turn Chrysler around, and then walk away with a boatload of cash instead ended up slinking away with their tails between their legs after having tried to get out from under their Chrysler misadventure for over a year. The horrendous damage Cerberus did to the domestic automobile business - with their utter futility in resurrecting Chrysler combined with their egregious mishandling of GMAC - is almost incalculable. Never have so few done so much damage to so many in the annals of this town, or this business. Suffice to say, the completely misguided infatuation for the car business by Cerberus will go down as one of the darkest chapters in automotive history. (1/21)

 

You guys suck, too. GM officially became the second largest auto company in the world behind Toyota, ending a 77-year reign. GM sold 8.36 million vehicles last year (‘08) to Toyota's 8.97 million. It was inevitable, as Toyota has been on a relentless surge since 2000. But was it news? Not so much, as GM had mentally been the No. 2 car company in the world for quite some time on its way to going bankrupt. (1/21)

 

Gee, we feel so much better now! Fritz Henderson, then the GM COO, unleashed these words of wisdom in a speech at the Automotive News World Congress: "Things will get better, we just don't know when." (1/28)

 

Oh the horror, the horror. January sales were in the dumper, big time, the worst sales month since January 1982 (Chrysler down 55%, Ford down 40%, GM down 49%, Toyota down 32%, etc.). With an annual selling rate that was shaping up to be less than 10 million, it was clear that the domestic automobile industry couldn’t support three automobile manufacturers. And if it stayed below 10 million, this economy could only support one U.S. automaker. Period. How bad was it? According to Mike DiGiovanni, GM's executive director of global market and industry analysis, it was the worst unit sales month for the U.S. auto industry since January 1963. As a matter of fact, according to GM sales estimates, more vehicles were sold in China in January than in the United States for the first time in history. A pattern that would continue. (2/4)

 

Motorwood, Digitroit, BrrrBank, Hubcap Valley, Mitten Hills, and our current favorite – Deadwood. The State of Michigan landed a $54 million deal to build and develop a major motion picture studio facility on the vacant GM truck facility property in Pontiac. And, $86 million for a digital animation and visual effects studio that was to be constructed using the vacant MGM Grand Casino building in downtown Detroit. The downtown property, abandoned when MGM opened their new casino, was to be the new home of Wonderstruck Studios - a partnership between Wonderstruck Studios LLC and SHM Partners of Los Angeles - and it was expected to create more than 400 jobs (it never happened by the way). The Pontiac venture was allegedly going to grow to be much larger in scope down the road too. That was the semi-sort of good news. The bad news? People started generating a whole raft of nicknames in an attempt at attaching a catchy name to this phenomenon. So we just had to add our own. (2/4)

 

Would you miss him? Chris Bangle, the polarizing American designer who left a brilliant, adventurous design stamp on BMW, or, the guy who single-handedly took the field of automotive design down a notch or three with his clownish interpretations of design "reach" - depending on how you look at his legacy that is - left BMW to pursue other design interests outside of the auto industry. He was replaced by Adrian van Hooydonk, the guy responsible for perpetuating many of the questionable BMW design cues that have emerged under Bangle's tutelage. (2/4)

 

Like he said. Johan de Nysschen, the president of Audi America, told a Green Car Summit on Capitol Hill that plug-in electric hybrids present a multitude of problems. "If the auto industry in the U.S. goes down this road and is compelled to invest in (plug-in) technology and then faces the reality ... that no one wants to buy them because they make no economic sense. That is how they will go out of business. We need a balanced approach, an integrated approach that sees a ‘complementary role’ for plug-ins.” And that was our AE Quote of the Week. (2/4)

 

“Hello Wolfgang, this is Big Ed Whitacre calling…” Wolfgang Bernhard, the ex-Mercedes, VW and Chrysler guru, 48, returned to Daimler AG to run the Stuttgart-based automaker's Mercedes-Benz Vans unit, a division that produces some 288,000 vehicles each year and employs 16,000 workers at nine different sites. Bernhard was reunited with his old friend, Dieter Zetsche, the Daimler CEO. It was a long way from his favorite gig at Mercedes when he ran AMG and relished building supercharged V8s, but he was officially back at the mother ship. But no one would be surprised if Bernhard was on the short list to be the new GM CEO. (2/11)

 

Finally, a corporate CEO with balls. Publisher’s Note: The Wall Street Journal reported that Cessna Aircraft was coming out swinging in defense of the use of corporate jets. In a new ad campaign Cessna said, "Pity the poor executive who blinks," and gets rid of the company jet. "One thing is certain: true visionaries will continue to fly." The corporate aircraft business had been decimated ever since the public flogging of the Detroit Three CEOs for using their planes to fly to Washington for the loan hearings took place in December. Orders for jets were canceled or deferred, and corporate America was running scared from the subject. The problem was that for a lot of these companies with far-flung operations, corporate aviation is absolutely essential to keep their businesses running. "We think it's time the other side of the story be told, and that support be given to those businesses with the good judgment and courage to use business aviation to not only help their businesses survive the current financial crisis, but more quickly forge a path toward an economic upturn," said Jack Pelton, Cessna's chairman and CEO, to the WSJ. Well said, Jack. The typical American reaction is to overreact. People who have no idea how business works are demanding that corporate America park their jets, that it's an example of corporate greed and insensitivity, thanks to our boneheaded Senators and members of Congress in Washington, many of whom, by the way, avail themselves of private jets as a matter of course on a regular basis. I say bullshit to that. This country doesn't pull out of this economic mess by sitting around waiting for things to get better. This idea that corporate aviation is some sort of "luxury" that shouldn't be allowed is ridiculous and woefully naive. The Cessna ad went on to say, "Timidity didn't get you this far. Why put it in your business plan now?" Exactly. Corporate America needs to get a grip, fire up the jets, and get on with helping us get out of this mess, because the mopers, hand-wringers and naysayers certainly won't. - PMD (2/11)

 

Did somebody say bone? In David Welch's excellent reality check piece on GM in BusinessWeek entitled "GM's Crash Diet" he brought up the point that GM's latest round of cuts simply won't be enough, especially since the company has been in crisis mode since 2005. And Welch got Maryann Keller, the independent auto analyst who covered GM on Wall Street for decades, to put it all into perspective: "How is it that four years into a crisis, there are still 10,000 people they can cut? They should be cutting into bone by now." And that was our AE Quote of the Week. (2/11)

 

You da Man, Zack. A new federal law aimed at protecting children from lead in toys temporarily forced a nationwide halt in sales of off-road motorcycles and recreational vehicles built for young riders, killing off a multi-million-dollar industry that was thriving despite the recession overnight. USA Today reported that thousands of powersports dealers were told to halt sales of vehicles designed for children 12 and younger because of new lead restrictions in an act of Congress that took effect Feb. 10. Even vehicle sales are banned by a law passed in response to lead found in toys imported from China. Passed by Congress after a series of reports concerning toys made in China with lead, the law bans sale of products aimed at children if they contain more than 600 parts per million of lead, said Joseph Martyak, chief of staff to the acting chairman of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission. Martyak told USA Today that the wording of the law left the commission no choice but to enforce the ban on youth cycles and ATVs even with no evidence children would ingest or absorb the items. The industry petitioned the commission for an exemption. The Motorcycle Industry Council estimated nearly 100,000 youth bikes were sold in the USA in 2008, though some were aimed at kids 13 and older and not covered by the ban. Dealernews, an industry trade publication, estimated that the value of inventory at U.S. dealers that could no longer be sold probably exceeded $100 million. Beyond current inventory, Kawasaki spokeswoman Jan Plessner told USA Today that the company had "millions and millions of dollars" worth of parts now in the product pipeline to dealers that cannot be sold. Zack Bartell, a 12-year-old who was taking a dirt-bike riding lesson at School for Dirt's track next to Kawasaki Motors' U.S. headquarters in Irvine, CA, was asked by USA Today what he thought about the ban on off-road motorcycles and recreational vehicles built for young riders to protect children from lead in toys. He had this to say: "Are you kidding? This is silly. There's no way I'm going to stick a motorcycle part in my mouth." And that was our AE Quote of the Week. (2/18)

 

A fleeting moment of clarity? Who knew? Publisher's Note: As bad PR moves go, GM’s announcement last spring that it would shutter its High Performance Vehicle Operations to concentrate on other things was right up there. It may have seemed a good idea at the time, but instead it came off as an unmitigated disaster. Rather than projecting willingness by the company to be responsive to the government’s newly enhanced grip on their throats, it just underscored how much the company was grasping at straws to make sure they come off as being "responsible." The very last thing GM needed to do was to stop thinking about how to make their cars more desirable, and that's what the HPVO was all about. But then again, going back throughout its history GM's corporate philosophy has never been about making desirable cars, it was only been about making money. If it hadn’t been for people like Harley Earl, Ed Cole, Zora Duntov, Bill Mitchell, Pete Estes, Bunkie Knudsen, John DeLorean, Dave Hill, Tom Wallace, Ed Welburn, Bob Lutz, Mark Reuss and countless others who passionately believed in building exciting automobiles, some of this industry's most glorious high-performance machines over the years would never have been built. These strong-willed individuals had the enthusiasm and more important the will to succeed over the years despite the corporation's entrenched, recalcitrant bureaucracy that threw up roadblocks every step of the way. Even though the HPVO has been disbanded and its denizens sent to other projects, if GM survives to fight another day these are exactly the kind of people who have to be regrouped and given free rein to lead the charge. Let's hope we see that day. (GM appointed Mark Reuss head of its North American operation in early December). – PMD (2/25)

 

From the “Bumbling Idiots” File. GM sought to require that the production companies involved in producing the company's TV spots get paid 50 percent of the production costs 60 days after the first day of shooting - with the balance being paid when the commercial is finished - as opposed to being paid 50-75 percent of the costs when the production starts. For going along with the program these production companies would become "preferred vendors." This went along with GM's track record of calling its creative teams (ad agencies, production companies, etc.) marketing "partners" when times were good and treating them like "vendors" when times were bad. Nothing ever changes. In keeping with the mood of the times, InBev (Anheuser-Busch) informed production companies that they will get paid 120 days after an ad runs instead of the typical 30 days. What we have here is the typical corporate mindset at work: They dumb down a highly creative process until it can be categorized and reduced to the lowest common denominator - akin to say buying bolts from a supplier - then they recoil in horror when they get exactly what they pay for. That timeless adage about clients getting the advertising they deserve? Truer words were never spoken. (2/25)

 

Pathetic doesn't even begin to cover it. Mitch McConnell, the Senate's Republican leader insisted that U.S. automakers seeking government aid still weren't doing what was necessary to save themselves from doom. McConnell said he was against giving the bailout money to GM and Chrysler in December because the companies weren't willing to restructure as needed and he still hadn't seen anything to indicate that they were taking the necessary steps. Really, Mitch? And it had nothing to do with the fact that you have a major assembly facility in your state (Kentucky) owned by Toyota? Right. You remember, don't you, Mitch? The same automaker that you regularly hit up for campaign contributions? Just like you did in 2005 when you came to Detroit hat-in-hand to hit-up the automakers for campaign money at the Detroit Athletic Club because you have two Ford plants and the Corvette plant in Kentucky? The Bottom Line? You and your stumblebum colleague Sen. Richard "they-don't-call-me-Dick-for-nothin'" Shelby from Alabama are reprehensible, duplicitous carpetbaggers masquerading as noble representatives of "the people." (2/25)

 

Editor's Note: First mentioned by reader Randy Brush from Dallas and seconded by local loyal reader Colleen Egan, this Dilbert cartoon about the automakers and their corporate jets and the Washington hearings is priceless. – WG  (2/25)

 

Paul Harvey. We could use your sense of whimsy, your sense of humor and a large dose of your unbridled optimism right about now, Paul. Good day! (3/4)

 

Roaster Jack is our guy. A special thank-you to longtime AE reader Jack Davis, founder and "roast master" of the Great Northern Roasting Company in Traverse City, Michigan. Jack has sent the AE gang some of their finest beans over the years, and we, as true coffee freaks, are extremely grateful. The company specializes in private estate, environmentally sound coffee from every growing region around the globe. If you're in need of a high-octane coffee fix extraordinaire, check out their selections at http://greatnoroco.com/index.php. (3/4)

 

We can dust our pitchforks off just like everybody else. We never said that the money the domestic automobile industry (the companies and the suppliers) needed was chump change, we know it's a lot of money to ask for. But at least the automobile industry is part of the industrial fabric of America and is in the business of actually making things, as opposed to spending $180 billion to cover the bad bets and abject stupidity of people engaged in selling air, like AIG. (3/18)

 

Thank you, Jay, the vast majority of people around here really appreciated what you did. Jay Leno added a second free show at the Palace in Auburn Hills and got criticized (again) by the dimwits on the Detroit City Council for not having it in Detroit. And then a new critic weighed in - economist Greg Mankiw - who questions his motives. The guy can't win, except with the people here who were dying to see him and were so grateful for the opportunity to be able to do so. And they're the only ones who truly mattered in all of this. (3/18)

 

From the “Halle-frickin-luja!” File. VW finally came to its senses and dropped the Rabbit name in the U.S. in favor of Golf for the 2010 version, which arrives here next fall. (3/18)

 

Editor’s Note: We had fun with the following items from our April 1 issue of AE. - WG

All things considered, it seems like a real strong way to go. GM, the newly-reinvigorated car company with the Obama monkeys on its back announced an innovative new incentive program to get people to buy its cars and trucks this morning. "We didn't like the last one we announced yesterday," said Mark La Neve, GM's marketing chief. "It didn't go far enough and it was too restrictive." Called the "Frickin' Kitchen Sink America!" plan, GM is offering its vehicles for free (one per household), as long as the purchaser drives it for two full years, services it only at GM approved dealers, and agrees to pay full sticker for another GM car costing at least $25,000 at the end of the purchase contract's term. "We're not makin' any frickin' money right now anyway," said new GM CEO Fritz Henderson. (4/1)

 

In a follow-up question, a reporter said, "Huh?" Asked how GM would be different under his regime in a press conference yesterday, Fritz Henderson bristled, "It won't be any damn different. It was my plan that the Obama auto task force rejected, and now I'm going to re-do it for like the millionth time in the last eight weeks." (4/1)

 

All things considered, oh, never mind. Radical changes keep coming for General Motors at a rapid clip. Eight new members and a new non-executive chairman of the GM Board of Directors were named today, including "Jeopardy" host Alex Trebek, "Sopranos" actor Tony Sirico, loud "The View" comedian Joy Behar, Food Queen Rachel Ray, former Oklahoma and Dallas Cowboy football coach Barry Switzer, basketball coaching legend Bob Knight, former Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, annoying, self-absorbed writer, Mitch Albom, and non-executive chairman, NBA owner Mark Cuban. "The last board basically stunk up the joint so we figured we'd give this lineup a shot," said the President's Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs. (4/1)

 

Mr. Hickson was last seen riding away on his bike late yesterday and no one has seen him since. Robert Hickson, the president of Ready Fasteners, a 23-person company in Bucyrus, Ohio, that makes fasteners and other assorted widgets for the Detroit automakers was suddenly sacked last night after a messenger from the White House arrived at his office late yesterday to inform him of the news. "We needed to make a change for the best interest of the United States and its taxpayers," the statement from the White House said. Florence Ballard, Mr. Hickson's administrative assistant, had this to say: "Mr. Hickson is a good man and he cared about his company and the people who worked here. We just couldn't churn out the stuff we make fast enough with him running the show, I guess." The White House is asking Ready Fasteners to enter into talks with Ron's Lawn Supply, over in Marion, Ohio, to form some sort of operating agreement. "That will be a real problem," Ms. Ballard said. "Those two haven't spoken since High School when Ron dropped that pass from Bob in the end zone and they lost a chance to go to the state football playoffs." (4/1)

 

From the “Crazy Fucking Bastards” File. In a dramatic shift in the tone and tempo for the Obama administration, a shake up has been ordered for the President's auto task force by the White House. AE obtained a highly confidential memo that was passed on to us without comment or explanation, jointly signed by Henchman-in-Chief Steven Rattner, chief economic adviser Lawrence Summers and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. The memo was a long, rambling and at times shocking diatribe targeted "at the spineless weasels, touchy-feely spear carriers and pathetic losers wandering around here doing a lot of nothing." No specific names were mentioned, but it's clear by the harsh language and unforgiving tone that real change is in the offing at the White House. "We're going to shake things up," the memo concluded. "We're gonna institute Margarita Hour on Fridays after 3 o'clock, and we're going to go out and recruit some real crazy fucking bastards to liven things up around here. Over and out." The White House refused all of our requests for comment. (4/1)

 

Plans for "burgers & brats & all the fixin's" at the conclusion of the sale went unconfirmed at press time. In a major change in policy, the Obama Administration has already revised its just-announced Cash for Clunkers Plan. Called the Cash for Anything Plan, it encourages Americans to turn in - well - anything, in exchange for cold, hard cash. Got an old blender lying around? That'll get you 25 bucks. How about an old washer or dryer? Fifty bucks. An old pair of slippers? Two bucks. One of Fido's chewed-up bones? Fifty cents. You name it - the U.S. Government's buying it. The plan is to hold the "World's Largest Tag Sale" on the National Mall to sell everything that's collected. Asked to explain the choice of the Fourth of July for the sale, White House spokesperson Mindy Mayberry exclaimed, "Just name a more American pastime than shopping - go ahead, name one! I mean, come on, it's the National Mall, people!" She then regained her composure and added, "The President sincerely believes that one man's trash is another man's treasure." (4/1)

 

From the “You Gotta Be Frickin’ Kidding Me” File. Publisher's Note: It has come down to this, folks. GM and Segway announced what we're calling the 2011 Obamalosimobile at this week's New York international Auto Show. Called Project P.U.M.A. (Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility), it is an electrically powered two-seat prototype vehicle with two wheels, featuring a lithium-ion battery, digital smart energy management, two-wheel balancing, dual electric wheel motors, and a dockable user interface that allows off-board connectivity. "It" can travel at speeds up to 35 miles per hour (56 kph), with a range up to 35 miles (56 km) between recharges. Giving showgoers an early glimpse at their horrifying driving future GM says that, "It could allow people to travel around cities more quickly, safely, quietly and cleanly - and at a lower total cost. The vehicle also enables design creativity, fashion, fun and social networking." Huh? It gets worse. "Imagine small, nimble electric vehicles (aka moving chicanes) that know where other moving objects are and avoid running into them. Now, connect those vehicles in an Internet-like web and you can greatly enhance the ability of people to move through cities, find places to park and connect to their social and business networks," said Larry Burns, GM vice president of research and development, and strategic planning. GM also insists that, "Project P.U.M.A. vehicles will also allow designers to create new fashion trends for cars, and to focus on the passion and emotion that people express through their vehicles while creating solutions that anticipate the future needs of urban customers." Passion and emotion? You have to be kidding. The era of Shiny Happy Smiley cars is upon us, apparently. I once wrote about the "Rickshaw Nation" that would result if the wrong people got a hold of our transportation future. Okay, so at the time it was more than a bit of an exaggeration on my part. But now, when I see things like the this, I'm not so sure. This GM/Segway thing will fade back into the woodwork soon enough, but the fact that time, energy and real development money was spent on it in lieu of countless other things GM should have been spending its money on is appalling. – PMD (4/8)

(GM Photos)

 

We're quite sure GM dealers are absolutely thrilled with it, however. Not. The gushing over the GM/Segway transportation device has been telling. The Today Show, of course, just had to do a three-minute segment-bite on it, even though it was apropos of absolutely nothing, but then again that seems to be the program's "M.O." of late - irrelevance for irrelevancy's sake. But that was just the beginning, because then the floodgates opened as the articles and rampant, instant "expert" Internet punditry exploded about the thing, completely ignoring the fact that GM has excellent vehicles in showrooms right now that people can actually buy. GM's calculated PR move to gain attention at the NY auto show with this device appeased somebody in Washington there's no doubt, but it accomplished little to help its burgeoning empty showrooms across the country. (4/8)

 

And here we thought Kwame really sucked. Publisher's Note: Add the San Francisco mayor to the long list of so-called "enlightened" Californians regurgitating the same old crap about the Detroit automakers in public. As David Shephardson of The Detroit News reported, Gavin Newsom launched a blistering attack on anything and everything to do with Detroit at a conference sponsored by Newsweek in Washington on Tuesday. A smattering of quotes from Newsom: "With respect to Detroit, it is not good enough to advance by 2012 an ambitious strategy of having 14 different models at GM of hybrids -- when hybrids are yesterday's technology." Really, Gavin? And when did you become an anointed "expert" on automotive technology? He went on: "We need a very dramatic shift in the mentality of Detroit." That's original, Newsom. Was that your idea, or did you just crib one of Saint Nancy's speeches? Oh, he wasn't done, however. Commenting on how Detroit's Big Three had opposed California's plan to cut emissions 30 percent by 2016, Newsom said: "Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. This is the same group of folks that spent billions of dollars over the years lobbying against seat belts, lobbying against rearview mirrors, lobbying against air bags and now lobbying against the one thing that will save them -- low carbon fuel standards." That's the one thing that will save us? Gee, Gavin, why didn't you just speak up sooner? And to think of all that time and money that was wasted up until now. And one more thing: "We're going to have to dramatically re-imagine the automobile industry, and the problem is we're still stuck in this argument about how we can fail more efficiently," Newsom said. We have an excellent idea for Newsom and his ilk: Let's close off Northern California from the rest of the Union and let them "re-imagine" their own auto industry. After the citizenry realizes that they can only buy Obamalosimobiles and Shiny Happy Smiley cars of diminishing degrees of realistic feasibility then we can sit back and joyfully watch as the state government in Sacramento is dismantled and thrown out on their asses until some semblance of rational thought can return. Newsom is a slick weasel who will end up haunting the rest of the country when he runs for national office. He is the walking, talking embodiment of Not Good, and we don't care how much he's loved by San Franciscans. They can keep him. – PMD (4/8)

 

Thanks, Mark-Hans, and well done. In many ways, Harley-Davidson has been through the same trials and tribulations as the American automobile industry over the years. Including boom-and-bust cycles, too much capacity and production (which ended up diluting the brand), and criticism from the instant "experts" in the media and on the Internet who pretend to know just what H-D needs in order to survive. The difference between Harley and Detroit is that Harley didn't lose a generation of customers over the years. Instead, it reveled in its history, honed its brand, focused on who it is and what it does best, and forged new bonds with both new and longtime loyal customers. Wrestling to get their production in line with the market while dealing with some very tough financial issues of late, nevertheless Harley-Davidson is staying true to its core. We applaud Harley, especially its ongoing "Screw it, let's ride" campaign orchestrated by marketing chief Mark-Hans Richer. Perfect in pitch and tone, it reaffirms everything about the brand that differentiates Harley-Davidson from every other motorcycle out there; no matter how much the other manufacturers try to copy and emulate them. If only certain Detroit car companies were as savvy in getting their messages across. (Keith Wandell, the president/COO of auto-parts supplier Johnson Controls Inc., has resigned to become president/CEO of Harley-Davidson on May 1. Let's hope he doesn't screw it up.) (4/8)

 

We got your laws of physics right here, assholes. Publisher’s Note: We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming documenting the The Last Days of the Old Detroit Two as GM and Chrysler pirouette into their preordained meltdown/bankruptcy scenario to bring news from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, those wild and crazy geniuses who have all but retired the “Masters of the Obvious” title. This week, it’s another gripping installment of “small cars don’t hold up as well as larger cars” in crashes, confirming yet again what we all learned at some point in a rudimentary physics lesson along the way. Only this time, the IIHS crashed vehicles from the same manufacturer against each other: the Smart Fortwo against a Mercedes-Benz C-Class, a Toyota Yaris against a Toyota Camry and a Honda Fit against a Honda Accord, all in head-on impacts with both vehicles traveling 40 mph. What was the point to all of this? That if you drive small you can’t fight the laws of physics? I only wish it was that simple. First of all, you have to remember that the IIHS has an agenda, and it’s fueled by the fact that the IIHS was created and continues to be funded by this nation’s insurance companies. Lest you think this is some noble endeavor out to save us from our imminent destruction on the highways and byways of America, I want to make one thing crystal clear: It’s not about safety with the IIHS, or doing the right thing for the general populace out of the goodness of their hearts, or any other esoteric set of benevolent goals. No, it’s about m-o-n-e-y, plain and simple. They want the government to mandate more safety standards so that the manufacturers will have to spend more money on the IIHS’s quixotic pursuit of upending the laws of physics, and then they want you the consumer to then spend more money on the vehicles you buy and more money on the insurance premiums you need to keep them operating. Why do you think the IIHS hypes these results to the media? To save us all by giving us obvious facts that we’re all pretty much aware of by nature? Hardly. No, they want to create a hysteria that not only jars the consumer, but touches to the very core of the bureaucrats’ hearts in Washington just itching for another way to push for legislation that will keep stuffing high-technology safety systems in our cars designed to save us from ourselves. So that the cycle can continue. And so that the fundamental concepts of accountability and responsibility behind the wheel can be shoved under the carpet, yet again. And so we can all spend more money on the pursuit of, well, what was it again? Pathetic. – PMD (4/15)

 

Our AE Quote of the Year. Mike Ilitch, the Little Caesar's pizza founder, owner of the Detroit Tigers and Detroit Red Wings and one of the prime movers in the city made quite a statement last week. At Comerica Park, where the Tigers play, there's a fountain in center field that was sponsored exclusively by General Motors for eight years, but because of GM's precarious financial situation the company notified the Tigers that they weren't going to be able to continue with their sponsorship arrangement for the 2009 season. Ilitch thought about it for a while, knowing full well he could sell the rights to the fountain to a paying sponsor for up to $2 million over the next three years. But instead, he put the logos of the three Detroit automakers in center field, free of charge, with the following message underneath: “The Detroit Tigers support our automakers.” “I kept asking myself, ‘What can I do to help?’” Ilitch said in an email to Bloomberg. “I’ve always viewed GM, Ford and Chrysler as pillars of strength in our community and I understand the ups and downs that a business must endure. To me, it’s a small way of showing our support and saying thank you for all the times they’ve been there for this community.” (4/15)

 

You guys are good. Not. Much to no one’s surprise, the VW Routan isn't selling. The VW-ized version of the Chrysler minivan is so stalled in the market that only 5,582 have been sold. The problem is that 22,037 have been built, which is why a whole raft of new "Come on down!" incentives are being thrown at the vehicle to get people to even look at it. Stefan Jacoby, the CEO of Volkswagen Group of America was quoted by AN as saying, "We launched Routan at the worst moment." He was talking about last fall when the economic bubble blew. No, Stefan, we happen to think you're one of the most consistently delusional auto executives on the planet, but hey, in a sea of stumblebums, who's counting? VW shot themselves in the head on this whole van thing for two reasons: 1. They picked a dumb-ass name for a vehicle in the U.S. market yet again. When is this going to stop? When you go completely belly up over here? 2. And by far the most egregious error on VW's part was the fact that they didn't have the balls to build the fabulous Microbus concept that they showed at the NAIAS years ago. It would have been the only distinctive vehicle of its kind in the market and would have allowed VW to create its own niche, but instead they waved their bent wand over a Chrysler and remarkably enough got exactly what they bargained for, a warmed-over Chrysler minivan. (4/22)

 

Oh, just shut-up, Part 1. The fact that the NBC Today Show gave shameless self-promoter/huckster/con man Peter Arnell three minutes on this morning's show so he could talk about "his" electric car was pathetic. But when you start tallying up the slide in taste and quality that this show has undertaken in the last few months maybe it's not so surprising. The show has just become flat-out embarrassing. The only good thing is that since everything Arnell touches of late seems to turn to shit, we can only hope that attaching his name to this Chrysler project will be the kiss of death for it. (4/22)

 

Evi Butz Gurney. Publisher's Note: Check out Evi's outstanding piece about Huschke von Hanstein and the early days of Porsche here. It's a fascinating insider's glimpse of a different time and a different era - and a different Porsche - captured exceptionally well by Evi, who is a talented and gifted writer and who was right in the thick of the early glory days at Porsche. Well worth your time. And a special thank-you to long time reader Doug Milliken for passing it along. – PMD (4/22)

 

It’s good to be the King. Also worth the read this week is Holman W. Jenkins' column, "GM is Becoming a Royal Debacle" in today's Wall Street Journal. Calling President Obama "King Barack the Mild" he writes: "They've (GM's creditors) already seen that the rights and privileges of shareholders are not worth diddly when the king is throwing his prerogatives around. He dispensed with the services of GM chief Rick Wagoner, though the king owned not a single share of GM stock at the time. His minions communicated the king's pleasure that GM consider discontinuing its GMC brand, maker of pickups and SUVs that offendeth the royal eye - though these vehicles earn GM's fattest profit margins...No wonder the king's mediation of 40 years of stalemated labor and business issues in the auto sector isn't going so well." (4/22)

 

From the “Soulless Robots” File. This came from an anonymous GM insider, part of The Departed leaving the company this week: "Nevertheless, my gut feeling is that the company is as on the edge as it's ever been. And not the financial brink, but on the brink of forgetting what it is - the people forgetting who they are and why they do what they do - and losing its soul. And while I think the company has lost its soul before, I also think momentum carried it along long enough for the True Believers to turn the tide and push a recovery. Losing soul and momentum at the same time - and in these perilous waters - is nothing short of a recipe for disaster." (4/22)

 

We liked you better when you spoke in monosyllabic monotones, Arnold. Wait a minute, nothing’s changed! Our bad.  Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke at the SAE convention on Monday in Detroit and back-pedaled a bit and even appeared to soften his stance on the domestic automakers, while complimenting them on how they were embracing green technologies. He even offered to do a commercial for free to help the Detroit automakers promote their green market entries in the future. He then turned around and appeared on CNBC and proceeded to regurgitate all of the hoary Detroit=Bad, Everyone Else=Good rhetoric that has become a staple of California state politics for years. Well, which is it, Governor? Because it's hard for the industry to attach much credibility to what you have to say when you speak out of both sides of your mouth. (4/22)

 

From "There's A Sucker Born Every Minute" File came word that when the BMW X5 M and X6 M go on sale this fall as 2010 models, they will retail for $86,225 and $89,725 respectively (including $825 Destination & Handling). You gots to be kidding. (4/29)

 

We think a stretched six-door Panamera with triple sunroofs will fit nicely in Porsche's next-gen lineup, don't you? Qatar was said to be in the throes of negotiating with Porsche to make a substantial investment in the company. (4/29)

 

Until then, they’re just selling air, and Corvette enthusiasts should be very worried.  Publisher's Note: Autoweek conducted an exclusive interview with GM CEO Fritz Henderson in which GM's interim leader suggested that the Chevrolet Corvette's future was secure, even as GM radically alters its corporate structure and is now taking its marching orders from Washington - with an assist from the UAW. Henderson went on to say that there will be a next generation C7, but amazingly enough couldn't exactly say when that might be. According to AW, Henderson drives a Corvette and is a Corvette "enthusiast" and is bullish on the car, and said that "Corvette pays its rent." I'm sorry, but Fritz has zero credibility when talking about the Corvette, even if he drives one. After all, this is a company that has consistently squandered every last opportunity to use the Corvette as a technological showcase for the corporation's considerable technical abilities, leaving it to rot under the auspices of the small-minded minions who toil in Chevrolet marketing. Any other company on the planet would have used Corvette Racing's success at the 24 Hours of Le Mans as a corporate image enhancer, but not GM. No, they'd rather dump more money into NASCAR so that their message can get lost in the relentless cacophony of all the other crashing messages fighting to be heard. Henderson says that Corvette's future is secure? We'll see about that. Show me a definitive timetable for the C7, and then show me a marketing plan that uses Corvette's technology and its on-track achievements to the benefit of the entire corporation, and then we'll talk. – PMD (5/6)

 

On second thought, go fuck yourselves. The eye-opening part of Chrysler's bankruptcy filing? The second largest creditor was BBDO, its advertising agency, to the tune of $58 million. And GM's agencies are said to be dramatically exposed with that company's looming deadline with the government just around the corner, too, to the tune of as much as $100 million. Not Good doesn't even begin to describe the situation. Now, after its bankruptcy filing, companies dealing with Chrysler, especially in the media, are refusing to run ads without an upfront payment. Can you blame them? Companies have abused their ad agencies for years over payments, but now that the ugly reality has hit over this Chrysler bankruptcy maybe things will change for the better for the agencies, or at least they'll get smarter. But the most egregious culprit currently running loose today? InBev, the Belgian company that bought out Anheuser-Busch last fall. Known as ruthless cost-cutters with no respect for brand legacies or heritage, they regularly abuse everything and everyone in their path in search of cash. The latest atrocity? InBev up and announced that it was going to take up to 120 days to pay its bills. Here's a toast to any company or ad agency that stands in the way of these sleazeballs. How would we handle it? You want a TV commercial InBev? First deposit $2 million in our bank for the research and creative development. Then, when the creative is finished and approved, you will be required to pay 95 percent of the media buy up front, with the other 5 percent due in 120 days. That's for one ad. (5/6)

 

Here's a tip for the future, Dave: Stick to what you know - which is being funny - and leave the auto business to people who actually have a clue. David Letterman, the CBS late night comedy host, conducted an embarrassingly lame and fawning interview with Tesla's leader, Elon Musk, last week that was painful to watch. Letterman basically exposed himself as someone totally clueless about the auto business, electric vehicles and hydrogen fuel cell vehicles, dismissing the domestic automobile manufacturers in stereotypically egregious fashion in the process. We found it especially interesting that Letterman bad-rapped fuel cell vehicles, considering that one of Rahal Letterman Racing's former main sponsors was Honda, a company that has made a huge investment in fuel cell vehicles. (5/6)

 

GTO: Pontiac's Great One. Publisher's Note: A new and very large (10.5" x 12") coffee table book about the Pontiac GTO is making its debut this month, and I will warn enthusiasts right now: It's a must-have book, no matter what your particular auto passion is. Written by Darwin Holmstrom with photography by David Newhardt, GTO: Pontiac's Great One is the definitive record of how the legendary Pontiac GTO came about, complete with anecdotes by the people who were there and who made it happen. Holmstrom's entertaining, informative and appropriately irreverent writing style captures GM's "maverick" division well and gives one of the all-time great American cars ever built its proper due, and David Newhardt's beautiful images of famous GTOs completes the impact of the book. GTO: Pontiac's Great One is jam-packed with information, but as with any great automotive story it's the people who make the legend of the GTO that much more special. Given the death knell of Pontiac, the remembrances and stories of those times brought to life by Holmstrom are especially poignant. And one photo in particular - of Jim Wangers' GTO Judge parked in front of the Fox & Hounds Inn (on Woodward Avenue just south of Long Lake Rd.) - got to me. The Fox & Hounds was a famous watering hole for anyone who worked at MacManus John & Adams (which eventually became D'Arcy MacManus & Masius), the advertising agency that had the Pontiac account in the glory days and that was located just across Woodward Avenue on the corner. There was a reason all of those great ads came out of that ad agency, because it had a ringside seat right on Woodward and if you couldn't "get" Pontiac after hearing the engines roar and smelling the burnt rubber, then you didn't belong there. Anyone who worked on the Pontiac account spent many an afternoon (and on into the very late evening) at "the Fox" dreaming up new ad campaigns, carousing and generally just reveling in an era that was flat-out fun to be a part of. The rest of the story? The Fox & Hounds was torn down over a year ago to make way for a new development that is now stalled in the dismal Michigan economy, and the vacant land is a sad reminder of the Glory Days that aren't likely to return. A different time and a different era indeed. GTO: Pontiac's Great One will be available beginning May 17, 2009, at www.motorbooks.com and www.amazon.com and any major bookstore. I highly recommend it. – PMD (5/13)

(Photos by David Newhardt)

 

Classy move. Kudos to Dave Letterman for having GM's Bob Lutz on his show last night and allowing enough time for a meaningful discussion about Detroit and the state of the auto industry and a more accurate description of the Chevrolet Volt, including a reveal at the end of the show complete with babes. Letterman took a lot of heat from all quarters (us included) for his fawning interview of Tesla's Elon Musk the week before, so it was a classy move on his part to rectify the situation. (5/20)

 

And you thought we were kidding about "a fleet of shiny, happy, flatulence-powered balsa wood smiley cars," didn't you? Zero Pollution Motors is trying to sell the notion of putting cars on America's streets and byways by 2011 powered by a combination of compressed air and a small, conventional engine, even though engineers say it's one of the most least efficient ways of converting energy to work.  (5/27)

 

We call that a giant beer stein of Not Good. A funny thing happened to "The Most profitable Car Company in the World" on its way to world domination. Despite repeated denials by the company, Porsche is said to have been perilously close to bankruptcy in March. Leveraged to the hilt after its aggressive forays attempting to take over VW failed, Porsche almost ran out of cash and out of time. Now, the company is being forced to merge with VW for its very survival. We wonder how the German press will treat CEO Wendelin Wiedeking now, after calling him a "genius" in article after article? It's frankly nice to see this glorified mercenary get his Wiener Schnitzel caught in a ringer. For him it was always about the money and never about the history or the integrity or the enduring legacy of Porsche. The once exclusive maker of sports cars will now become just another division of VW, thanks to Wiedeking's greed and delusions of grandeur. (5/27)

 

From GMnext to GMnotsomuch. On top of everything else, GM was kicked off the NYSE on Monday, replaced by DeVry Inc., a post-secondary education company. (6/3)

 

You mean the “Volt Dance” isn’t going to turn the tide? Lost in the chorus out there shouting that this GM bankruptcy "thing" is going to go great and that the "good" GM will be up and running in no time - on its way to sure-fire success, no less - is the painful reality that this once-iconic American corporate juggernaut is now nothing more than tainted goods, with a giant "L" attached to it. It's ironic to note that at this point in time GM has produced the finest product lineup in its history, with more outstanding products in the pipeline to come. But it's a fine line between the newly reconfigured, reinvigorated and happenin' GM, and the end game example called British Leyland. As we've said countless times before on this website, GM must convince the American consumer masses that its vehicles are worth considering again. That isn't going to happen in 60 or 90 days - not even close by any stretch of the imagination - and it may not be achievable at all because the negativity and bad juju associated with GM now is that powerful. There, we said it. (6/3)

 

There isn't a bowl big enough, as a matter of fact. We've been in a deep recession for going on four years here in Michigan, and now, with the GM bankruptcy, another 8,900 or so jobs are gone out the window from GM facilities in Flint, Grand Rapids, Livonia, Orion Township, Pontiac (6,600 from Oakland County alone) and Ypsilanti Township. This state is absorbing 42 percent of GM's job cuts in this round. The "official" unemployment number in Michigan is somewhere around 12.6 percent, but the real number is somewhere north of 20 percent sources say, taking into account the people who have just given up looking. Let's call it for what this is: The reality for this state is that we're in a full-blown depression. And there's no relief in sight, no matter how quick this "quick rinse" bankruptcy goes. Not Good doesn't even begin to cover it. (6/3)

 

Numb is the operative word around here these days, unfortunately. One of the plants affected by the latest round of GM cuts is the giant (5-million-square-foot) Willow Run transmission plant in Ypsilanti Township, the historic facility where B-24 bombers were built during World War II. Six hundred workers engaged in making six-speed transmissions were immediately let go on Monday. Five hundred employees will remain until December 2010. According to The Detroit News, the plant generates $3.8 million in annual tax revenue for Washtenaw County that pays for schools, libraries and other public services. The plant is now being pitched to battery makers and alternative energy manufacturers. "We were the Arsenal of Democracy. Look where we at now," Don Skidmore, a 30-year veteran of the Willow Run plant told the News. "I was angry, I cried, and now, I just feel numb." (6/3)

 

As matter of fact, it makes us want to go find that Shiny Happy World and do donuts on their Shiny Happy Heads in our Shiny Happy Day-Glo Yellow Hummer. The ultimate Shiny Happy People TV commercial is now running for the new Toyota Prius. Clearly inspired - okay, ripped-off from - last year's opening of the Summer Olympics, it has the Prius towing the sun through a Shiny Happy valley filled with Shiny Happy People actually portraying living, breathing parts of the Shiny Happy world, while wallowing in syrupy, Shiny Happy choral music vaguely reminiscent of a calliope on Xanax. It's simply breathtaking to behold. Not.  (6/3)

 

We wanted to shoot ourselves after reading it, but it was really excellent. P.J. O'Rourke’s brilliantly-written column - "The End of the Affair" - in last Saturday's Wall Street Journal, about America's waning love affair with the automobile and why it's happening was simply superb. A favorite excerpt: "Pointy-headed busybodies of the environmentalist, new urbanist, utopian communitarian ilk blamed the victim. They claimed the car had forced us to live in widely scattered settlements in the great wasteland of big-box stores and the Olive Garden. If we would all just get on our Schwinns or hop a trolley, they said, America could become an archipelago of cozy gulags on the Portland, Ore., model with everyone nestled together in the most sustainably carbon-neutral, diverse and ecologically unimpactful way."  (6/3)

 

From the sublime (P.J.) to the ridiculous - Michael Moore. The ubiquitous pain-in-the-ass displayed the full gamut of his hopelessly naive, half-cocked musings in his incredibly sophomoric diatribe that he released yesterday called "Goodbye GM." Whatever residual cred this guy had at one time has now been blown to bits by his gradual descent into a self-generated world made up of half-truths, abject mediocrity and the dulcet tones of the bullshit rattling around in his head. That he manages to keep unloading his "finger-snap" environmentalist crap on the American public - to obviously lesser and lesser effect - is our burden to bear, apparently. That is until the day he huffs and puffs and blows himself up for good, hopefully. (6/3)

 

AE Headlines of the Decade. Here's a list of our favorites: "White Boy Culture" (AE No. 1, 6/1/1999). "Write Hard, Die Free" (No. 24, 11/9/1999). "In this 'Age of Entitlement' We All Get Screwed" (No. 71, 10/25/2000). "The Day The Racing Died" (No. 86, 2/21/2001). "Captain Zarrella, Your Space Ship is Waiting" (No. 98, 5/16/2001). "One Man's Passion - A Legacy Still Vibrant Today" (No. 102, 6/13/2001). "Hell Freezes Over, As Porsche Becomes Just Another Car Company" (No.167, 10/2/2002). "Memo to Chris Bangle: 'The Emperor' is Naked" (No. 175, 11/27/2002). "GM's Culture of Invincibility" (No. 184, 2/12/2003). "Detroit's Real Challenge? Selling the Idea of an American Car" (No. 220, 10/29/2003). "How much longer can 'Detroit' extract blood from a stone?" (No. 241, 3/31/2004). "Benchmarking - Detroit's Ticket to Oblivion" (No. 265, 9/15/2004). "Toyota's Shiny Happy People Peg the Stupid Meter" (No. 301, 6/15/2005). "Turn out the lights, the party's over - Detroit is officially out of ideas" (No. 305, 7/13/2005). "The Autoextremist self-help guide: How not to be a PR Weasel" (No. 311, 8/24/2005). "The NASCAR Bubble - Coming to a Boardroom Near You." (No. 312, 8/31/2005). "Soul Survivor or just Dust in the Wind?" (No. 336, 3/1/2006). "The Players, the Schemers, the Smoke-and-Mirrors Dreamers" (No. 361, 8/23/2006). "Interview with a Robot" (No. 383, 2/14/2007). "After the smoke clears, it's time for America, Inc." (No. 469, 10/29/2008). "Queen LaGreena and The Dunderheads." (No. 475,12/10/2008). The 2008 Autoextremist Year in Review: “The End of the World As We Know It” Edition. (No. 477, 12/17/08). "PMD Unplugged: The “Old Broken Down Piece of Meat” Edition." (No. 487, 3/11/2009). "State of the Motor City Nation: The “Polishing of the Pitchforks” Edition." (No.489, 3/25/09). "Going, going, gone." (No. 498, 5/27/09).  (6/3) 

 

AE Words & Phrases of the Decade. We've become known for words & phrases over the years (for better or worse) and we thought we'd remind you of a few of them. "The Tubes." "The Answer to the Question that Absolutely No One is Asking." "Shiny, happy, flatulence-powered balsa wood smiley cars." "The Green Horde." "Heaping, steaming bowl of Not Good." "The Rick." "Maximum Bob." "Dead car company walking." "Minimum Bob." "The Ghosnster." "The Jimbotron." "Klinkian nightmare." "The Trifecta of Not Good." "Halle-frickin-luja." "Starbucks Nation of Zombie Consumers." "Finger-snap Environmentalists." "Anti-car, anti-Detroit intelligentsia." "Queen LaGreena." "It's all over but the hand-wringing." "The Product is, was, and always will be King." "Bush League Bullshit." "Unmitigated Bullshit." "Racertainment." "Chrome-plated pitchforks." "Mo-faux." "Go Big or Go Home." "The more you know the more you just never know" (Dr. Bud). "Fu-King Motors." And of course, "notgonnahappen.com." (6/3)

 

Next up? Car payments by the minute. Publisher's Note: Edward Whitacre Jr., 67, former chairman and CEO of AT&T Inc., was announced today (6/9) as the chairman of the "new " GM that will emerge from bankruptcy at some point. He replaces interim chairman Ken Kresa, who will step aside when the "new" GM begins business. “I don’t know anything about cars,” Whitacre said yesterday in an interview with Bloomberg after his appointment. “A business is a business, and I think I can learn about cars. I’m not that old, and I think the business principles are the same.” Great, just what GM doesn't need, another chairman of the board with not even a whiff of car experience. After all of the sturm und drang GM has had in recent history by selecting people who have no business getting near the top of the company - Exhibit A: John Smale - this guy is the very best they can come with to lead an allegedly "new" car company? You have got to be kidding me. This has to be beyond disheartening to the True Believers left at the company because it reinforces every hoary stereotype that has existed at GM for going on 40 years now, and that is that the outstanding GM cars that have emerged over the years haven't been because of GM management (except for the Bob Lutz's era), but in spite of it. – PMD  (6/10)

 

From the "No Shit, Sherlock" File comes word that Sergio Marchionne says he won't walk away from the Chrysler deal even if the Supreme Court holds it up. "We would never walk away. Never," the Italian business leader told Bloomberg News. And why would he? Whether Chrysler emerges from bankruptcy somewhat intact or it sinks into liquidation, Marchionne and Fiat will be handed Chrysler for just this north of nothin'. You don't walk away from deals like that, you hover until it's all yours. (6/10)

 

Capitalism, Baby! From the "Nice Work If You Can Get It" File comes word that AlixPartners L.L.P.,  the local Detroit firm advising General Motors through bankruptcy restructuring was paid nearly $40 million before the company's June 1 Chapter 11 filing, according to Crain's Detroit Business. The firm is also slated to earn a $13 million "success fee" if the process ends in a positive manner. Other tidbits from the Crain's report? Al Koch, vice chairman and managing director of AlixPartners is being paid $835 per hour as GM's chief restructuring officer (he was appointed on May 31) and as many as 70 AlixPartners employees will work on the GM case with hourly fee rates ranging from $180 per hour to $995 per hour. (6/10)

 

We're just sayin' is all. Not the Auto Nation CEO but the other Mike Jackson - the ex-GM marketing guy - takes some solid shots at his old employer in a guest column entitled "GM must overhaul marketing" in this week's Automotive News. Jackson makes some fair and painfully "Master of the Obvious" points about how GM marketing managed to get it wrong over the years, but he also makes some off-the-charts boneheaded statements, too, like "Zarrella was a visionary marketer committed to making GM brands relevant to American consumers." Really, Mike? How did that work out for GM? Not so much is the understatement of the decade. Jackson also neglects to mention the fact that he never really did his job while he was there, concentrating on promoting glitzy image events so he could pal around with celebrities instead of immersing himself in the nitty-gritty, in-the-trenches side of the business that actually moves the metal. Oh, yeah, and btw, his eyeball-popping expense accounts were legendary, too, the very definition of Gulp Fiction. (6/10)

 

Maybe they oughtta just take us out back and shoot us. Bill McGraw, a columnist for the Detroit Free Press, opened his story in Tuesday's edition with the following: "That big plume of black smoke that filled the sky Monday night and was visible from downtown to the eastern suburbs? It was just the Packard Plant burning. Again." McGraw went on to describe how the once-magnificent Packard Plant - designed by Albert Kahn beginning in 1903 - has been reduced to a rotting cadaver that Detroit firefighters aren't permitted to enter after dark because it's so dangerous structurally, so it is just allowed to burn. McGraw reports that "the fires stem from scrappers and their acetylene torches and people, many of them young, who like to explore the Packard Plant and think it’s cool to set fires to the huge mounds of trash and other dumped debris in the complex’s large rooms." McGraw closed his report with this: "The complex is owned by a company called Bioresource Inc., which emerged with the title after a lengthy court battle with the City of Detroit. City officials say the firm has failed to pay Detroit taxes since it bought the plant in 1987. State records show Bioresource has not filed an annual report since 2000 and was declared dissolved by the state in 2003." Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away Detroit was the fourth largest city in America with a population of two million people. Now it's a staggering, struggling hulk of a city symbolic of the decline of industrial America and what was once quaintly known as the Big Three. (6/10)

 

Five hundred and counting… Publisher's Note: This week's edition marks the 500th issue of Autoextremist.com. We wanted it to coincide exactly with last week's 10th Anniversary milestone but it didn't work out that way, so we'd like to thank our longtime readers - again - for all of your support over the past decade, and we'd like to thank you new readers out there who are coming on board every week too. 500 issues is a nice, round, big-time sounding number. I could say it smells like victory in fine, Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore "Apocalypse Now" fashion, but the race isn't over, not yet or anytime soon either. But we'll savor the "500th" nonetheless. And there's always that race over in Italy, uh, what's it called again? Oh right, the Mille Miglia. One thousand miles. That has a real nice ring to it too. Thanks again! - PMD, WordGirl & yes, even Dr. Bud.

 

Welcome to the jungle, Akio Toyoda, and welcome to your turn in the AE barrel. Publisher's Note: The good news Akio? You're the grandson of the founder of Toyota. The bad news? You're taking over a company that went from having a $36 billion war chest a little over a year ago to one reporting a $4 billion loss last fiscal year, the company's first reported loss since 1950. And your company is expected to lose a little less than $6 billion in this fiscal year too. Previous (now disgraced) management built too many factories in what turned out to be an overly aggressive play for the auto industry lead, only to see the global financial collapse crush the company's liquidity. Sales are down - the vaunted Camry and Corolla are noticeably stale and reeling in the marketplace here - and other car companies have essentially caught up to Toyota in quality. The Toyota Way isn't looking so special now, to put it mildly. Things are looking bleak, Akio, but since you earned an MBA from Babson College in Massachusetts and you're fluent in English, you'll understand it when we say that you've inherited a heaping, steaming bowl of Not Good. – PMD  (6/24)

 

Recall that money now, you bozos. From the "Smoke and Mirrors" File comes word that the U.S. Department of Energy is also giving Tesla Motors $465 million, so that it can become a real car company instead of a boondoggle that makes outrageously overpriced battery-eating kit cars. At least that's the idea anyway. But then again if we have to listen to Elon Musk's relentlessly tedious "I'm a frickin' genius" thought balloons while he continues to blow smoke rings up the asses of the dupes in the media and the government, we all lose. (6/24)

 

Our AE Ominous Headline of the Week (yes, a brand-spanking-new AE award) goes to this gem from this week's Automotive News, which ran on Page 1: "Chrysler mulls rwd mid-sized replacement." Uh, you guys are mulling a mid-sized replacement at this point? So like we're talking 2014-1/2 as a 2015 model at the earliest? That's rich. Fiat North America is getting closer to reality by the minute, ain't it boys? (6/24)

 

Truer words were never spoken. Jeff Goodby - the advertising guru - did a guest column in AdAge where he insisted that the ad biz needs to get back to being about making "famous" ads again - the kind people recognize and remember - instead of creating esoterica designed to win awards or please self-indulgent egos. Here's an excerpt: "We've created a system that rewards work that is increasingly unknown to anyone outside the business. We have become connoisseurs of esoterica. And in the process, we're becoming more about us, and less about changing the world. We are becoming irrelevant award-chasers." And that was our AE Quote of the Week. (6/24)

 

Cue the Wicked Witch of the West in her melting scene: "Ohhhhh... What a world! What a world!" Publisher's Note: From the "Holy Shit" File comes word that Toyota will supply Aston Martin with a version of its iQ urban micro car - complete with a front clip reminiscent of Aston's current super sports cars - which Aston will then trim out with a luxurious interior and other Aston touches. Aston Martin claims that the new "Cygnet" will be the world's first luxury city car when it goes on sale next year. The price? In the neighborhood of $35,000. Talk about blowing up one's brand image in one fell swoop. Yikes. There has to be another way here, folks. Pay a fine, pay off the bureaucrats, pass the costs on to the customers, whatever, but for heaven's sake don't pass off a micro car as being part of the Aston Martin brand. Because it's Bush League Bullshit of the highest order. The idea behind this, of course, is to help Aston with its fleet emissions performance, but it flat-out stinks. If this is really what the automotive world is coming to - with luxury high-performance brands having to offer micro cars as emissions "ringers" to boost their fleet averages - then we're screwed. What's next, a Ferrari version of the Fiat 500 or Alfa Romeo Mito? – PMD (7/1)

(Aston Martin)

 

Ouch, baby. Our AE Downer Headline of the Week goes to Automotive News for this one about the new Porsche Panamera sedan: "Practicality will sell $91,000 sedan." (7/1)

From the “Blithering Idiots” File. The EPA (or should we say the Obama administration) allows California and 13 other states to set their own fuel economy and greenhouse gas standards, reintroducing the potential for a "patchwork" of regulations rearing its ugly head again. The Environmental Protection Agency mumbled something in a statement about the decision being a return to the "traditional legal interpretation of the Clean Air Act." Right. We like what NADA Chairman John McEleney had to say instead: "EPA's decision to reverse its 2008 denial of California's request for a pre-emption waiver is sadly a triumph of politics over good common sense. NADA has commended President Obama for his announcement last month recognizing and addressing the 'patchwork' aspect of California's greenhouse gas rules. We also recognize that California has stated its willingness to conform its rules to the President's forthcoming national program. However, NADA remains concerned that today's action risks a series of negative results if that conformity never occurs. These include the potential for triple regulation of major manufacturers such as General Motors and Toyota. Moreover, with its action today, the Obama administration has effectively ceded the long-term setting of national fuel economy standards to unelected California regulators. The administration has now created the framework for three fuel economy standards, administered by three different agencies and under three different sets of rules. As a result, consumers in the future risk facing significantly reduced new vehicle choices and substantially higher new vehicle prices." And that was another AE Quote of the Week. (7/1)

 

Not. So. Much. Let's get this straight, Automotive News called Sergio Marchionne the "Industry Leader of the Year" - ? Hmmm, uh, we don't know about that. What has Sergio done, exactly? Let's review, shall we? 1.) He talks a good game. Check. 2.) He has really been good at talking someone else (usually government leaders) into financing his global "vision" for the auto industry. Check. 3.) He reconfigured the marketing department of the "new" Chrysler into an organizational structure that, to put it kindly, is a head scratcher. Check. So, we could see "Industry Shit Disturber of the Year" or "Smoke and Mirrors Practitioner of the Year" but, "Leader of the Year?" (7/8)

 

The Crap-tastic Design Revolution is on! Mark Rechtin reported for Automotive News that Honda is following Toyota with a Venza fighter based on the Accord, except that it looks eerily like the BMW 5-series GT. The Accord Crosstour will make its debut this fall. That means a horde of BMW 5-series GT-type vehicles will be littering the American landscape in no time. Have a super day, everybody! (7/8)

 

What were you guys smokin’? The Texas Transportation Institute’s 2009 Mobility Report is in, and here are the top ten worst cities in America for congestion: L.A. (duh), Washington, Atlanta, Houston, San Francisco-Oakland, Dallas-Fort Worth, San Jose, Orlando, Detroit (huh?) and San Diego. We buy everything but Detroit. The congestion here isn't caused by traffic; it's caused by the unending road construction. But beyond that, ask anyone around here and they'll tell you traffic is down because too many people are simply out of work, and commuting is way down. (7/8)

 

Or maybe it was the Fu-King Motors bit. Our website was being blocked by Chinese government censors. The "Bare-Knuckled, Unvarnished, High-Octane Truth" doesn't play well over there, apparently. (7/8)

 

He don’t need no stinkin’ stickers. The New York Times reported that Scott Wilbur bought a silver V-8 Camaro in June. Why is this news? The 40-year-old elementary school principal had not purchased a G.M. vehicle in a decade, and traded in his Honda Civic hybrid to buy the Camaro. The Times said that Wilbur "...even gave up his California-issued sticker to drive in hybrid-only carpool lanes to get behind the wheel of his new muscle car." Wilbur has such a good impression of GM because of the Camaro that he has put a deposit down on a Chevrolet Volt. "I might not be as environmentally friendly, but at this point I don’t mind waiting in traffic to drive this,” he said. And that was our AE Quote of the Week. (7/8)

 

Don't let the screen door hit your ass on the way out, Wendelin. The Porsche CEO, Wendelin Wiedeking, bet big - while accumulating almost $13 billion in debt - that he could use Porsche's holding company to engineer a leveraged takeover of VW. How did that work out for you, Wendelin? Not. So. Much. Now the German executive who reveled in the "genius" status bestowed on him by a fawning faction of the German media who idolized him is about to be shoved out the door. Yes, he made a pile of money for himself, so no need to worry about ol' Wendelin - because "he ain't starvin'" as Chris Rock would say - but he is yet another classic example of a self-inflated, ego maniacal auto executive who took his eye off of the ball and forgot what he was there for in the first place. And after Porsche is absorbed by VW and the parts sharing starts going up and the brand distinctiveness starts going down, Wiedeking won't be missed even for a moment. (7/22)

 

Talk about a giant empty car lot of Not Good. Memo to GM and Chrysler: The eliminated dealer compensation controversy is a complete mess, and it won't go away anytime soon, plus now you have the Washington politicos all over your asses. This is what you get for having fewer friends in Washington then your well-connected dealers do. (7/22)

 

You just can't make this shit up, folks. Those "Masters of the Universe" are at it again. Since "Minimum Bob" kinda sorta needed something to do, Cerberus named Nardelli CEO of Cerberus Operating and Advisory Company LLC, which watches over the businesses in which the private equity firm invests. Now let's get this straight, they want him to run the company that watches over all of their business investments? Wasn't watching Nardelli run Home Depot into the ground followed by the Chrysler debacle enough for these people? (7/22)

 

In the meantime - Boo. Fucking. Hoo. Let's see, after decades of extravagant social hand-holding programs and bumbling group hugging in Sacramento - not to mention turning lecturing the rest of the nation about what's good for us into a professional sport – politicians in the State of California have finally run out of miracles. Don't be surprised if you find it difficult to engender any sympathy around here, especially after you deemed that Detroit, Michigan, and the industrial Midwest were "expendable" if it meant achieving a greener world. Get your bills paid and your shit together, and then maybe we'll listen with some measure of sympathy. (7/22)

 

Y’all drive careful now, you hear? Sheriff deputies in Wake County, NC (encompassing Raleigh), have a not-so-secret weapon at their disposal to deter speeders: a black Corvette Z06. The car was apparently seized from a drug dealer and is being used as a stealthy, sneaky speed limit enforcer. Gary Buchanan, a Raleigh resident who owns a 2007 Corvette, told The News & Observer that he saw Wake deputies last week cruising in the unmarked Z06 to enforce the 65-miles-per-hour speed limit on I-40 in Cary. "It had blue lights in the back and blue lights in the front," Buchanan said. "It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Something like that is so extreme. I mean, if my wife was out driving and this thing came up behind her and the light’s started going off, man, she'd be scared to death." Thanks to reader Neil Y. in Varick, NY, for passing this info along. (7/22)

 

Boneheaded Intransigence Be Us. The current Energy Secretary – Steven Chu - insists that U.S. R&D on hydrogen fuel cells is a waste of time and money, which goes against a couple of upcoming bills in the House and Senate that would resurrect serious funding for the program. Chu feels that hydrogen fuel cells are impractical for vehicles because they would require the creation of a hydrogen infrastructure. Well, uh, duh, Mr. Secretary. Considering all of the money this country pisses away on an endless series of crap-tastic boondoggle programs, it would be an unconscionable waste of money to develop a hydrogen infrastructure according to your logic, now, wouldn't it? The joke about the "hydrogen thing" when it comes to automobiles is that it's always 20 years away, no matter what. And with that kind of boneheaded intransigence I guess it will stay that way, huh, Mr. Secretary? When is this country going to wake up and get out front of something, before it's too late? Fuel cell development will benefit the entire nation. Case in point? One of the most promising offshoots of GM's hydrogen fuel cell program was the serious development of practical fuel cell applications that would transform the future of our home heating and cooling systems. Instead of shrugging your shoulders and throwing up your hands, Mr. Secretary, why don't you do something positive about it, like encourage innovation and blue sky thinking for a change, instead of saying it can't be done? – PMD (7/29)

 

That's a giant bowl of - Oreo ice cream drizzled in chocolate sauce - Not Good. In the midst of re-energizing GM's product portfolio, the Krispy Kreme effect seems to have taken hold of GM's product development troops. Some of their key new entries are just too damn heavy, example No. 1 being the new Cadillac SRX, which weighs more than 4500 pounds. And that's in a more compact overall package with no V-8. (8/5)

Publisher's Note: Some of our readers took great umbrage with my above description of the Cadillac SRX as being too heavy vis-a-vis the competition. Well, guess what, the Cadillac SRX and its competition are all too heavy. I blame the German manufacturers for starting this runaway weight "creep" in our cars and crossovers (or "mass" for all you engineer types). Mercedes-Benz, Audi, BMW and to a slightly lesser extent Porsche are all guilty of egregious weight gain, and it's screwing everything up. It's real simple, folks. The manufacturers are putting - and we're far too accepting of them doing it too - too much stuff in our cars. All this techno-wonder crap is just that - crap. Tell me the last time you actually used some of the endless "amenities" loaded up on your vehicle. (Oh, how we despise that tedious and overused word around here, by the way. Memo to copywriters, either come up with another word, or better yet just cease and desist from using "amenities" immediately. Please.) I wrote about this subject a few years ago when the Corvette Z06 made its debut at an actually lighter weight than a typical Porsche 911. At that moment in time the world as we knew it had changed forever and Hell had just frozen over. Let's get this straight, 4,000 pounds is not okay or acceptable for an "average" vehicle. It's flat-out unacceptable in my book. Weight is the enemy of all good things when it comes to actually enjoying driving, unless, of course, you stopped enjoying driving. In that case we just can't help you. Too much weight negatively affects handling, responsiveness, "feel," fuel economy, braking, performance, basically everything when it comes to the enjoyment of our vehicles. So don't tell me that 4,000+ pounds is "acceptable" for an SRX or any other allegedly "more compact" crossover. Because it isn't. Period. – PMD (8/5)

 

Jeremy Clarkson and Co. Publisher's Note: The video for the season 13 finale of Top Gear is simply a beautifully moving homage to what could be the last of the high-performance supercars as we've come to know them, the Aston Martin Vantage V12. Brilliantly filmed and edited - with the ghostly mesmerizing musical track "An Ending (Ascent)" by Brian Eno blending seamlessly with the scintillating sounds of that heroic V12 - this video should be seen by every enthusiast that ever loved a car, because it encapsulates for a fleeting moment what we've all felt at one time or another about these breathtaking machines bristling with power, speed and passion. And in the midst of this riveting film, Clarkson delivers an emotional body blow with the following haunting words: "It is fantastic. It's wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. What it makes me feel though...is sad. I just can't help thinking that, hence to all sorts of things...the environment, the economy, problems in the Middle East, the relentless war on speed...cars like this will soon be consigned to the history books. I just have this horrible, dreadful feeling that what I'm driving here...is an ending." I sincerely hope that's not the case, but if it is, this one magnificent film will stand as testament to the glory of what once was. – PMD (8/5)

 

Welcome to The Jungle, “Big Ed.” Ed Whitacre,The lanky Texan and new chairman of GM Co. told the Wall Street Journal's John D. Stoll in an interview Tuesday after the company's first board meeting since emerging from bankruptcy in July that the car maker must regain market share after years of decline and not lose its No. 1 ranking in sales in the U.S. market. He also said that GM's business plan needs to be "tweaked." Uh, duh. Really? "You clearly don't want to be in a position of losing market share," he said. No, Ed, you sure don't, but halting a 20-year market slide isn't going to be easy, no matter how much you make it sound like it's a stroll by the River Walk. We think Mr. Ed might be a just a tad bit naive when it comes to this auto stuff. We applaud the fact that he lives in San Antonio and is only going to hang here when he needs to - after all, San Antonio as opposed to Detroit? Hell, we'd do the commuting thing too. But still, “Big Ed,” you've got no idea what you've gotten yourself into. Which brings to mind the famous Tex Ritter song of a bygone era - (I Got Spurs That) Jingle Jangle Jingle - a song about movin' on when things aren't looking so good. And just to make you feel at home, we're going to see to it that it's pumped into the RenCen whenever you walk through the lobby. (8/5)

 

We’re calling it the AE "Smiley Mile" Index! GM suggests that the EPA will rate the upcoming Volt at 230 miles per gallon in the city - although the EPA wouldn't confirm the number - which sent the mainstream media into a frenzy. It was interesting to see some of the more green-tinged in the media try to explain away the reality of the "mileage" for these electric cars, because it was GM after all and after all GM decidedly isn't cool, don't you know, like uh, er Toyota. As for these triple-digit ratings, expect these fantasy numbers for a while as regulators translate the "mileage" of these extended-range electrics, which normally won't use gasoline in the city. Nissan, for instance, says its new "Leaf" electric car will be rated at 367 mpg in the city. But it's kind of like selling air, isn't it? If you don't use gas in the city, why translate the mileage into "miles per gallon." Why not come up with a new standard, which translates it into how many runs you can make up to the local Starbucks before you have to even think about it? Let's call it the AE "Smiley Mile" Index, that way new legions of Shiny Happy People can enlist in the electrified Volt army. By the way, expect the Volt to get a final combined EPA rating of around 100 mpg. (8/12)

 

Uh, maybe you oughtta re-think that “casual” wear stance. You guys don’t look comfortable or casual, or, dare we say it, cool. Instead you just look like Delta lost your luggage. The RenCen Gang is hell-bent on changing the overwhelmingly negative perception of GM that's out there, and they're taking great pains to do so too. CEO Fritz Henderson is doing some soul searching (and talking about it out loud), they're reaching out to customers and listening - going so far as to engage the "haters" (which will get them exactly nowhere, by the way), and they're even altering their corporate wardrobe, displaying their calculated "casual" look at yesterday's web conference. But all this "listening" will only take them so far, and then they're going to have to start leading their customers - and this industry - with great products if they hope to be anything but a second-tier car company. – PMD (8/12)

 

Got your electric on? Prepare for the media frenzy that will envelope the airwaves in a fog of unbridled misinformed glee as the electric vehicle becomes The One for the auto industry. Except that it isn't The One, especially when you live in a city (the only place where electric vehicles make sense) and can't get near an electrical outlet. Electric vehicles certainly have a place in our transportation future, but they will not transform our nation's fleet by any stretch of the imagination, primarily because their usefulness will be confined to urban centers. In other words, electric vehicles are not The Answer, but be prepared to be subjected to the cacophony of media overkill over the next 12 months or so that will suggest exactly the opposite. Ugh. (8/12)

 

Why do we smell a train wreck brewing here? This is an XXXL-sized pair of lederhosen of Not Good. Volkswagen dumped its ad agency - Crispin Porter & Bogusky - after four years because, "Our goal of rapidly increasing our volume in a mature market requires the Volkswagen brand to evolve into a more relevant mainstream choice," said Tim Ellis, vice president of marketing. Oooooh, baby, we sure don't like the sounds of that. VW the "relevant mainstream choice?" As long as the Germanic propensity to over-gadget and over-charge continues to dominate their thinking it's just notgonnahappen.com. "The Volkswagen brand needs to inspire our base of enthusiasts as well as reach out and captivate those in mainstream America," Ellis continued. Really? The Autoextremist version of that statement would have been more appropriate: "We've done a piss-poor job with our enthusiasts and anyone else in the U.S. auto market for that matter, and since headquarters is the Kingdom of Delusional Thinking we have to show them something, anything at this point to buy us - and our dealers - some time until the next 'big idea' is dumped on us from Germany."  (8/19)

 

As for Crispin Porter & Bogusky... Not that we were ever fans of this band of arrogant, over-hyped, self-indulgent ad twerps and their tedious, "look it us, we're so hip and you're not" style of grating and inevitably annoying "advertising," but we will give them props today for basically telling VW to go fuck themselves by declining the automaker's invite to participate in the $200 million account review. That's the best ad move you guys have made in, well, years. (8/19)

 

Publisher's Note: Our friend Casey Shane (aka "Art and Colour") is at it again with some late-summer "pixel-pushing" as he calls it, including a Prius Sport Coupe, his version of a Cadillac XTS with "Sixteen" overtones, a Jaguar XJ Coupe, a new Lincoln "Mark," a G8-based Chevrolet Caprice and a Panamera-based 928. Enjoy. - PMD (8/19)

 

 

What next? Sergio Marchionne "green-lighting" Jeeps with papier-mache seats? From "The Hell Freezes Over" File comes word that Fiat is developing a consumer-generated car in Brazil with input from social media, which will influence everything from the automobile's design to its marketing communications. AdAge is reporting that Sao Paulo-based AgenciaClick - part of Aegis Group's Isobar network of digital agencies - is orchestrating the project for Fiat. "We're inviting Brazilian consumers to invent the concept car that Fiat will exhibit in the Salao do Automovel, Sao Paulo's auto show, in October, 2010," said Abel Reis, AgenciaClick's president and chief operating officer. Called the Fiat Mio, users submit ideas for the car-design project - recent posts and tweets suggest bamboo car-seat covers, biometric car-owner identification and outlets to charge laptops - which will then be studied by Fiat staff. Later, users will be asked for branding and marketing ideas. Let's see, by over-indulging the social media peanut gallery and generally abdicating its role as a real live car company, Fiat Brazil is managing to set a diabolical precedent for the entire industry. (8/26)

 

How about no? On the one hand, phasing out its little silver GM logo "bug" off the side of its cars and trucks sends the message that GM is serious about placing all of its marketing emphasis on its four brands - Cadillac, Chevrolet, Buick and GMC. On the other, will it really make a difference in the grand scheme of things? (8/26)

 

What part of "these frickin' car companies don't make any money" did you guys not understand? Tata Motors, India's largest vehicle maker, lost 3.29 billion rupees ($67.4 million) for April-June because of Jaguar and Land Rover. Why did they do the deal to begin with? Let's review: A longing for global respectability? Check. Desperately wanting to be a premium market player? Check. Unbridled arrogance? Absolutely. And judging by their public statements surrounding these dismal numbers, they still don't get it either. Memo to Charmian Ratan Tata: It doesn't matter how many swoopy Jaguars or zooted-up Land Rovers you crank out, you made a huge play for two brands that will do nothing but hemorrhage money for years to come. Get used to it. (9/2)

 

A freight car full of neodymium of Not Good? If you're in the precious or rare earth metals business things are looking good, except for the fact that certain governments - China and Russia, for instance - are fully-prepared to use their resources as strategic weapons to protect their homegrown industries and enhance their profits. If you're in the auto biz, and you're focusing on building electric and hybrid vehicles, the fact that these rare earth metals are going to become even harder to come by and much pricier is... uh... (9/2)

 

They came, they saw, they fucked it up.  Cerberus investors were so disgusted with chief Stephen Feinberg and co-founder William Richter that 71 percent of them are asking for their money back. The Cerberus play in the auto biz - something they were woefully ill-equipped for although they were the only ones who couldn't see it - will go down as one of the major miscalculations in American investment history. (9/2)

 

Publisher's Rave: The fabulous Troy Roadster, built in 1959 by Wally Troy, is one of the most stunning "one-off" customs you'll ever see. We saw the car in person at Road America back in 2004 - and featured it on our site that year - and we still get requests asking "What is it?" Usually followed by a "Wow!" Click here to see why it has to be considered one of the most beautiful creations from that era. – PMD (9/16)

 

Oh just shut-up, Part II. Our perennial candidate for "Most Delusional Car Executive" - Stefan Jacoby, CEO of Volkswagen Group of America - was at it again at the Frankfurt show, as Dave Guilford of Automotive News reports. Jacoby insists that the Phaeton shouldn't have been yanked from the U.S. market after all. “I have to admit that it was a mistake to take this car out of the market,” Jacoby said in a media briefing. Really, Stefan? By what measure? Was it the fact that no one was really clamoring for a $70,000 sedan with a VW badge on it? Or was it the fact that your U.S. dealers weren't equipped to sell it? Or was it the fact that it was the wrong car, at the wrong time, from the wrong car company? “We think that the Volkswagen brand is a good place for this. We are looking at various alternatives for the re-launch of Phaeton.” (9/16)

Not great, but better at least. Bob Lutz ditches Buick's dreadful - and thankfully short-lived - tagline, "Take a look at me now" in favor of "The new class of world class." (9/16)

 

Jeff Zwart, Porsche. Publisher's Note: Jeff Zwart, an old friend and a terrific filmmaker - and longtime director of all of Porsche's TV commercials - is at it again with his work for the launch of the Porsche Panamera. Check out the teaser film for it here to see a fantastic collection of some of the most famous Porsche sports and racing cars ever assembled. Trivia: By happenstance I ended up awarding Jeff his first TV commercial assignment back in my ad days (already one of the top automotive print photographers in the world at the time, I kept bugging him to pick up a motion camera) when Jeff's originally scheduled first gig was postponed. The rest, as they say, is history. – PMD (9/16)

 

From the "Self Serving Assholes Be Us" File comes word that Silicon Valley's venture capitalists want Detroit to die, and soon. Reuters reported this week that Silicon Valley-based VCs want what's left of the U.S. auto industry to be euthanized in favor of more visionary companies, i.e., the ones that - coincidentally enough - those same Silicon Valley VCs are investing in. "I do not believe that the U.S. auto business can be competitive," Ray Lane, a managing partner at Kleiner, Perkins, Caufield & Byers, told Reuters. "I don't see any of these new car companies based in Detroit." Oh, really? Lane - and it's almost too obvious to bother mentioning of course - is backing plug-in hybrid automaker Fisker Automotive. He's also going to become chairman at V-Vehicle Co., an auto company unveiled in June that plans to build “environmentally friendly” vehicles in Louisiana with backing from billionaire T. Boone Pickens. That's right; you just can't make this shit up, folks. (9/23)

 

There's a perfect symmetry in all of this...or maybe it's just Karma. Speaking of Fisker, Energy Secretary Steven Chu announces a $528.7 million conditional loan for Fisker Automotive "for the development of two lines of plug-in hybrids that will save hundreds of millions gallons of gasoline and offset millions of tons of greenhouse gas emissions by 2016." If you say so, Mr. Secretary. Mr. Smoke and Mirrors - aka Henrik Fisker - does it again. The only good thing in all of this? $169.3 million will be spent at Fisker's Pontiac, MI, engineering facility. So despite the best death wishes of the Silicon Valley VCs, Fisker still has to come to this area to actually get the real R&D work done. (9/23)

 

A sad statement from the company that calls itself Mercedes-Benz. The new Mercedes-Benz SLS super sports car with gull-wing doors introduced at Frankfurt may be a historical tribute to the famous gull-wing Mercedes-Benz 300SL from the 50s, but it doesn't mask the fact that it's flat-out hideous to look at. Beyond hideous, in fact. Clearly marching to the dulcet tones of the delusional sound track constantly playing in their heads, the SLS is a new low from Mercedes-Benz designers. Just how did M-B fall off the rails? We're talking about Mercedes-Benz here, not some crazy Chinese start-up. The SLS is a disgrace, plain and simple. (9/23)

 

We are Driven. The legendary "Mr. K" – Yutaka Katayama - turned 100 on September 15, and he had a few things to say. In an interview with Hans Greimel in Automotive News, Mr. K, the founding father of Nissan North America (then called Datsun) said, "Every day I die at night, but I am reborn again in the morning. I feel 1 day old." If it wasn't for Mr. K, Nissan would be nowhere in this country. He was responsible for the 510 and the original 240Z, the two best cars the Japanese manufacturer has ever sold over here. Mr. K knocked the current 370Z in the interview, saying, "First, it's very heavy, and it's also very expensive. I'd like to have a sports car like the Miata. The Miata is taking the place of the 240Z." On dealers: "Mr. Ghosn thinks he is making a car to make money. I was making an efficient car that can still earn money but also had the dealers in mind," Katayama says. "You dealers are the first customers. So first you make the money. Then I can earn the money from you." Oh, and one more thing? Mr. K wants the Datsun name put back on the cars sold here in the U.S. A concept we agree with wholeheartedly. It's got more punch, and "We are Driven" was one of the most effective automotive taglines ever. Congratulations Mr. K, and your words are our AE Quotes of the Week. (9/23)

 

Sergio couldn't even hold one of Lee's cigars. Ray LaHood, the U.S.  Transportation Secretary, heaped big praise on Chrysler Group CEO Sergio Marchionne calling him “the next generation of Lee Iacocca” after a speech at the Detroit Economic Club. The Secretary visited Chrysler, Ford and GM this week on a tour. He also told reporters that "Detroit is back." Oh, if it were only that easy, Mr. Secretary, and by the way, who appointed you Industry Cheerleader in Chief? We applaud the sentiment, even though it's wildly premature, but the next Iacocca? (10/14)

 

We knew it was bad, but just how pathetic was it inside GM and Chrysler during their final days before bankruptcy? Plenty. Publisher's Note: Steven Rattner's account in the new Fortune magazine is shocking in parts, laying out the stark reality for Chrysler as being "larded up with debt" and "hollowed out by years of mismanagement" and that it "never had a chance" under Cerberus. But his most brutal assessment was reserved for GM, calling its financial staff "perhaps the weakest finance operation any of us had ever seen in a major company," among other things and, "If ever a board of directors needed shuffling, it was GM's, which had been utterly docile in the face of mounting evidence of looming disaster." He also said that former chairman Rick Wagoner set the tone at GM of "friendly arrogance," which perfectly described the lingering feeling I had whenever I was around some - not all I should point out - of GM's leaders. (10/21)

 

So spare us the high-falutin' holier-than-thou bullshit because we're just not buying it. Steven Rattner received two big "up" arrows from us for revealing his insider's perspective on the GM and Chrysler bailout deliberations. And one big fat "down" arrow for feigning amazement that senior GM executives worked on the top floors of the GM Renaissance Center headquarters - behind locked and guarded glass security doors - and describing that the execs had special pass cards "that allowed them to descend to their private garage without stopping ... No mixing with the drones." Oh really, Steven? As if you and your Wall Street cronies can be held up as shining examples of "men of the people?" Everyone in the world knows that that's utter and total bullshit. The High-Octane Truth, Steven? It's all you and your ilk can do to get from the lobby of your building to your chauffeur-driven cars before you have to acknowledge that other "drones" in the world exist, right? (10/21)

 

If you’re still grappling with the distinction between the two, maybe it’s time to take a nice, long vacation and let someone else tackle the problem. Honda’s chief of design, Nobuki Ebisawa, tells Automotive News that at one point the young designers reporting to him were doing designs that were too flashy and emotional and that they needed to be dialed back. Huh? You have got to be kidding, right? We certainly didn’t see a danger of that happening. He did redeem himself - but only somewhat - by saying that the new Honda CR-Z hybrid sports car – a design we like very much – was an example of the design dynamic he likes for future Hondas. But then he still seemed to be puzzled as to go how to go about defining the distinction between Honda and Acura. Still? (10/21)

 

The Porsche Panamera. Publisher’s Note: I have been inundated with requests to flesh out my opinion of the new Porsche Panamera sedan. Yes, I know they refer to it as a four-door sports car, but it’s a sedan, pure and simple. And a big one too. It's clear that the Panamera - if it had been brought forward before the Cayenne - would have been much more palatable. As it stands, it has a sensational interior, it provides an interesting alternative for some of Mercedes/BMW sedan buyers looking for something different, and I believe it will be successful (my media colleagues have already said it drives sensationally well in early reports). I think it's fine from the B-pillar forward, but the fact that former CEO Wendelin Wiedeking - who is no longer with the company - insisted that the back seat had to accommodate his 6'2" frame, clearly compromised the design, to put it mildly, in the end redefining the term “butt-ugly.” The most interesting thing about it? Ferdinand Piech, the head of the VW Group (and Porsche scion), has already gone on record as saying that both the Cayenne and the Panamera will be discontinued within five years, as they don't fit with the Porsche mission. Very interesting. So, the bottom line for me is that the Panamera is far better than the Cayenne because at least it’s a car and not a truck, I love the interior, I don't love the design from the rear, but they'll probably sell the hell out of 'em anyway. – PMD  (10/21)

 

The next-gen Corvette. Speculation is beginning to ramp-up about the next-generation Corvette - which will be the seventh in the iconic car’s lineage - thus the shorthand reference to it as the “C7.” Originally slated to be a mid-engine car, then changed to a conventional front-engine, rear-wheel-drive configuration with a mid-engine supercar variant to be built in limited numbers along side it, the C7 will make its debut as a 2012 model, with conventional front-engine, rear-wheel-drive architecture. Expect a car that’s 7/8 the size of the current car and as much as 300 pounds lighter in order to deliver the kind of mileage numbers required. Also, a standard drive train that features a high-performance V6 is being strongly considered. But no worries, an ultra high-performance V8 will still be the featured powertrain, however, so that aspect of the Corvette will not change. The Sting Ray concept that appeared in the sequel to “Transformers” last summer is the design influence for the new car, which Ed Welburn has already said will feature a “split” in the rear window reminiscent of the 1963 Sting Ray. (10/21)

(Photos courtesy of General Motors)

 

 

It could be really good, it could be a non-issue, or it could be really bad, depending on which side of the bed Ferdinand Piech happens to get up from most mornings. VW purchases a 49.9 percent stake in Porsche, paving the way for a full takeover of the smaller German company. (10/21)

 

Hey, we like the idea of bringing back Alfa Romeo as much as any enthusiast does, but Sergio's plan, shall we say, leaves a lot to be desired. First of all, to properly launch Alfa Romeo, yes, launch - because it can't be a relaunch when nobody but hard-core fans and enthusiasts even know what Alfa is - in this country to the point it resonates on the awareness meter at all, it will take $250-$300 million in marketing costs the first year and $250-$300 million per year after that for at least eight to ten years, minimum. So any wildly optimistic notion dancing in the heads of Sergio and his troops of Alfa becoming an Italian Audi in this country has to be tempered with the reality that the likelihood of Fiat-Chrysler selling 75,000-100,000 Alfas in this market by 2020 is a pipe dream, at best. Sergio's big on five-year plans, but 8-10? Not so much. (10/28)

 

As we like to say around here, you can't make this shit up. Henrik Fisker, the P.T. Barnum of the auto industry, announced that he will buy an old plant located in Wilmington, Del., from Motors Liquidation Co. - aka the old General Motors Corp. - for $18 million. Another $175 million - allegedly - will be spent to retool the factory over the next three years, according to Fisker. The company already is to receive $528.7 million in federal loans from the Advanced Technology Vehicle Manufacturing program to help its cause. Fisker plans to build a mid-sized plug-in hybrid family sedan yet to be revealed that will sell for $39,900 after federal tax credits beginning in late 2012 (the $90,000 Karma luxury sedan will be built in Finland beginning late next year, allegedly). Fisker plans to sell between 75,000 and 100,000 units per year, with about 50 percent to be exported. Interesting. Interesting, too, that Fisker has labeled the UAW as its "partner" in the venture. Hey, Henrik, it sounds like you've been puffing off of Sergio's pipe. First of all, let's see the Karma get launched first, and remember you said you were going to sell 15,000 of them annually, right? Right. And then we'll look for a mainstream sedan from you somewhere out around 2014, at the earliest. That is unless your UAW "partners" decide that the deal they originally signed with you isn't "good enough" and decide to strike your ass. (10/28)

 

Let's just say that this development is a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier of Not Good. Memo to the auto manufacturers: Beware of UAW VP Bob King, because he has an agenda - an agenda that by no means bodes well for the long-term health of the industry - and he's determined to be the new face of the union going forward. (10/28)

 

If we were Chrysler dealers, we'd be sweating bullets right about now. Okay, let's just say that the organization of this relentless death march of a Chrysler meeting left a lot to be desired. Ninety minutes in it was clear that this session could have been handled in two hours, tops. Speakers droning on, overhead charts, and absolutely nothing surprising. Yes, they're going to be better, yes, they're going to employ more advanced technology, yes, they're going to cut costs with myriad synergies. BFD, I would hope so. It looks like it might be good in the 2014-2015 time frame, or let's just say they expect to be competitive, at least. But what are they going to do for their dealers for the next two model years? How about nothin' much. (11/4)

 

"My Tank is Full." The new Dodge Ram ad campaign called "My Tank is Full" is an overwrought, over-written, over-promising embarrassment that pegs the "wince" meter with about a 12. My Tank is Full? How about My head is Exploding?  (11/4)

 

Wake us up when somebody actually gets a clue over there. Speaking of beyond category tedious, the new Jeep ad campaign - I live. I ride. I am. Jeep. - which we were given a preview of at "Sergio's Ball" was, how should we say, puzzling. Is Jeep subjugating its imagery for a Harley-Davidson-esque tone? If so, it's too late. Harley owns that space. And the execution of it? Ouch, baby. It's all about getting in touch with one's feelings, and, what was the ad about again? Straight from the "Just Shoot Me" File. (11/4)

 

And so it goes. Publisher’s Note: Toyota abruptly pulled the plug on its Formula 1 program. The automaker entered the sport in 2002 hell bent on finally trying to do something about burying its stodgy image as an "assembler" of motorized appliances once and for all. And it failed miserably. Toyota is estimated to have spent as much as $8 billion - if not more - in its quest only to achieve a few poles and a few podium finishes, and not one single victory. This move by Toyota signifies more than a pullback for financial reasons; it's an embarrassment of the highest degree. This company demonstrated that in spite all of its financial might and technical resources it could not get it done. All they have to show for it now is its new Lexus LFA super sports car, which becomes a $350,000 answer to a question that nobody was asking, no matter how good it is. The bottom line in all of this is that the natural order of things has been emphatically proven yet again. When Honda goes racing, it's part of their corporate soul, and they have won and will continue to win championships when they put their minds to it, because that's who they are. As I've said repeatedly, they don't call it the Honda Motor Company for nothing. Toyota? Not so much. It's a car company, yes, but it's more of an assembler of ingredients than anything else. Racing and winning has never been a part of who they are. It has never driven them, and they've competed over the years when it seemed like the thing to do, not because they believed in it to their core. - PMD (11/4)

 

Chrysler's Hyper-Inflated Aspirations. Publisher's Note: I took a lot of heat from irate Chrysler loyalists for last week's column, but guess what? Get over it. For those guys to get up in front almost 400-something analysts and media-types last week and suggest with a straight face that they're going to sell enough vehicles to capture 14 percent of the market by 2014 is flat-out ludicrous. Insane even. The realistic number? It will be between 6-7 percent, tops. With dismal quality numbers, a woeful, out-of-touch presence in the market, highly questionable strategic positioning and new - and painfully bad - advertising that does absolutely nothing to revitalize the image of any of the brands, it's notgonnhappen.com. Or as Dr. Bud says, "That dog won't hunt even with a T-bone wrapped in prosciutto." These guys are dreaming. The problem is that we have to be subjected to the gushing coverage of Chrysler by some of the lesser lights in our local media for the foreseeable future. And that's a heaping, steaming bowl of Not Good. What should Chrysler be aspiring to? Survival. And they have an excellent shot at that, if they don't hype themselves to death first. – PMD (11/11)

 

Sergio Marchionne. Publisher's Note: Sergio seems like an interesting guy, and I'd like to share a bottle of Gaja with him one evening, but he has delusions of grandeur with this Chrysler deal that are bordering on the fanciful. To wit, one comment that he made to the assembled multitudes last week (after quoting Machiavelli): "The 2010 - 2014 plan at Chrysler, when all is said and done, is a commitment to build an enterprise of men and women of virtue." Huh? That's nice, but how does that translate into a 14 percent market share of the U.S. market by 2014? It was our AE Quote of the Week, however. – PMD (11/11)

 

Nicely done. Takanobu Ito, the newly-minted president of Honda was asked the following question by Automotive News in an interview: If the yen gets even stronger, would you ask the Japanese government to intervene to weaken it? His answer? "We have not requested the Japanese government to intervene in the market in the past." No, but you, Toyota, Nissan, et al have quietly watched as the Japanese government, acting as Japan Inc., has done it for years and years as part of national policy, right? Right. (11/11)

 

BBDO. Publisher's Note: The longtime Chrysler advertising agency - and one one of my advertising alma maters - is being forced to close the doors of its Detroit office at the end of January due to the change in regime at Chrysler, leaving 485 jobs in jeopardy. For years BBDO sucked the profits out of the Detroit office treating the people there like the "little people" who needn't be heard from, as long as the money rolled in. As a matter of fact, the profits generated by BBDO Detroit back in the day were responsible for more than 90 percent of Omnicom's - BBDO's holding company - net profits. A perfect example? The profits generated by BBDO Detroit single-handedly paid for BBDO's lavish corporate offices in New York back in the mid-80s, which were rumored to have cost $21 million, all in. But times change, and Chrysler's fortunes spiraled downward, and there just isn't the money associated with Detroit auto advertising accounts like there was in the old days. For the people who toiled at BBDO Detroit all of these years it's a bitter end to a tortured relationship. It's especially painful when the new overlords at Chrysler apparently aren't capable of finding a marketing clue, even when spotted the "cl" and the "e." (11/11)

 

In the immortal words of Vince Lombardi, "What the Hell is going on out there!" From the "Hell Is Freezing Over" File comes word that Toyota failed to put any of its vehicles on the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety's “top safety pick” list for the first time in three years. On the other hand, Ford led all automakers for the second year in a row with six 2010-model top safety picks (thanks to four models from its Volvo brand, which it's selling). Tougher standards by the IIHS trimmed the number of top selections from 94 last year to 27 this year. And to add insult to injury for Toyota, the Ford Fusion is Motor Trend's Car of the Year. (11/18)

 

GM. Publisher's Note: From the "Much Ado About Nothing" File. Come on, people, really? Because there's a fiber-optic pinpoint of light at the end of the tunnel for the company, GM's "announcement" yesterday merited the kind of positive coverage that they received? Please. Let's be clear here, GM returned some of the money that the government - meaning "we the people" - had already loaned the company. And its cash position is substantially better, but it still lost $1.2 billion in the third quarter. Yes, the new products are more than promising - some are actually pretty great, even - but to say this company has a long, long way to go is the understatement of this young century. Show me serious, sustained profitability in the North American market for twelve consecutive months, and then I will celebrate right along with them. Until then, this is very much a work in progress. And make no mistake, folks, the progress is going to be excruciatingly s-l-o-w. – PMD (11/18)

 

There’s “upside down” and then there’s UPSIDE DOWN! Mark Rechtin, the Automotive News reporter based in Los Angeles wrote an interesting article in this week's issue about how the luxury brands have been hammered around the country in this economic downturn, but particularly so in California. Bentley sales are down 54 percent over last year in the U.S., Lotus is down 50 percent, Maserati is down 49 percent, Lamborghini is down 44 percent, Aston Martin is down 32 percent, Rolls-Royce is down 19 percent, and even Ferrari is down 12 percent in this horrifically bad market, according to Rechtin. Much of it can be attributed to the economic calamity that has taken its toll on consumers of all stripes, but some of it can be blamed on the manufacturers who got greedy and built too many cars when times were still booming. Rechtin quotes a source who declined to be identified who said: "We have 2008 Astons stacking up. People are getting hammered on the residuals because Aston built too many cars. A Vantage that sells for $150,000 new is selling for $75,000 after two years, but the owner still owes $110,000. That is not a good equation." Thanks to Mark for the story, and thanks to the unidentified source for presenting the quintessential definition of what being "upside down" in your car loan really means. And that unidentified source got our AE Quote of the Week too. (11/18)

 

All together now: Not Good.  Adding to the woes piling up on the car company formerly known as "The Juggernaut," Toyota is recalling 110,000 Toyota Tundra pickups from the 2000-2003 model years because the frames on the vehicles are rusting so badly that the spare tire carrier under the pickup bed can break apart in cold weather, causing the tire to fall down and on to the roadway. This goes hand in hand with the 3.8 million Toyota vehicles being recalled to reconfigure or replace accelerator pedals to reduce the risk that they may become jammed in the floor mat. It will also replace original equipment floor mats with redesigned mats on the vehicles in question. (11/25)

 

Oh, just shut-up, Part III. Not content with just crippling the auto industry, the Shiny Happy People of the Consumer Federation of America want to pretty much put it out of business once and for all. The association of 280 touchy-feely groups is calling on the Obama administration to raise average fuel economy standards to 45 mpg by 2020. A proposal is already on deck to increase fuel efficiency requirements 40 percent (to 35.5 mpg) by 2016 for cars and light trucks combined, which is likely to be approved in April, but the eco-jihadists want more. Jack Gillis, the shrill empty suit responsible for that doorstop called The Car Book and the group's "spokesman" - (Really? You mean they can't speak in vapor trails of jasmine instead of using electronic media? After all, it requires the use of untold amounts of energy, right?) -  told reporters the following on a conference call on Tuesday: “We want to make sure we don’t just rest on the 2016 numbers and that we’re prepared today, and get the industry to prepare, to move substantially beyond 2016.” The implication being, of course, that the technology exists and that the industry is just stonewalling again and the "public" is concerned about fuel prices, etc., etc. The problem is that CAFE does not equate to a national energy policy in any way, shape or form, and until this country actually establishes a proper energy policy based on a minimal price paid nationally for gasoline - one that increases on a sliding scale over a ten-year period, let's say - then it's all just a bunch of unmitigated bullshit, but then again a perfectly plausible scenario from a group that revels in living out their days in a parallel universe devoid of rhyme, reason, rational thinking or even a shred of reality. (11/25)

 

No mention was made of special glasses being issued to Panamera owners so as to make their cars look like an Aston Martin Rapide, but then again, you just never know... Congratulations goes out to the first 195 Porsche Panamera buyers in the U.S. who got a custom set of Panamera luggage - to the tune of $3,850 - for free. According to a report by Dale Jewett in Automotive News, there was a glitch in the car's electronic key and associated software, and the cars were delayed at the ports while being fixed. Owners were notified via a letter from Porsche explaining the delay. Porsche confirmed to AN that 72 cars had been fixed and arrived at dealerships this past weekend. The remaining 123 cars are expected to be at dealerships by Nov. 30. The free luggage is a gesture to thank customers for their patience, according to Porsche. (11/25)

 

Oh, and one more thing? Please stay far, far away from the product decisions, because that's the one area at least where your people clearly do have a clue. Expecting, make that demanding that Fritz Henderson achieve meaningful and measurable results and basically "fixing" GM in 100 days was absurd. And everyone in this business knew it, apparently, except for "Big Ed" Whitacre and the GM Board, that is. One question: How do you guys expect to bring in the right person to run the swirling maelstrom of shit that now defines GM with a salary cap and the stark realization that y'all might be a large part of the problem too? (12/2)

 

Fuck it Dude, let’s go bowling. A good man and a talented executive, Fritz Henderson was put in the untenable position of bringing cultural change to an industrial institution that needed to be "blowed-up" real good. Short of marching the company's 200 top executives down the gangplank and saying Voila! to "Big Ed" and the Board, it was just not in the cards for Fritz to survive, or succeed. (12/2)

 

You’ve heard of the expression of being somewhere “for a cup of coffee” but this guy really was just there for a cup of coffee! Michael Richards, the guy who was brought in to run the Buick-GMC division was let go after eight days. The "buzz" in the business bordered on the incredulous that he was even considered for the position in the first place, let alone hired. Which also made everyone – us included - wonder if anyone really knows what the hell they're doing down there. A giant bowl of Not Good, as we like to say. (12/9)

The 2009 AE Dimwit Move of the Year. Publisher's Note: The decision to sack CEO Fritz Henderson on the eve of the L.A. Auto Show is our 2009 AE Dimwit Move of the Year. With the company ready to make a very positive product splash with the new Buick Regal, Cadillac CTS Coupe, Chevrolet Cruze and the Volt - in its toughest market by far, a market where GM is basically nowhere in fact – “Big Ed” Whitacre and the bumbling GM Board of Directors decide instead that it's the perfect time to fire the CEO. Just asking, but did anyone offer up even a shred of perspective before this happened, as in a "What the fuck are you guys thinking?" This move is a testament to the fact that Whitacre and the GM Board leave a lot to be desired when it comes to two extremely crucial things in this business: 1. The paramount importance of product, and 2. The equally pivotal role of crafting an image and the fundamental role PR has to play in that quest. GM doesn't get many opportunities to make a positive splash these days, but the table was set in L.A. for them to finally generate a large dose of positive press. Instead, they blow the whole thing to smithereens with their rampant incompetence. This company needs massive changes, and they need to start from the very top and go all the way down. That means Whitacre and 99 percent of the Board have to go - and soon - before they screw up anything else. – PMD (12/9)

 

Ten Things. Publisher's Note: Mark Reuss is a True Believer and one of the good guys left in this business, and if given a genuine opportunity he will do great things for GM. But that's a gigantic "if." Here are my key recommendations for Mark going forward. 1. It's all about the product. Nothing else matters. 2. Anything less than segment-leading is unacceptable. Even "equal to the best" in segment is meaningless. 3. Put the pedal down, hard, like there's no tomorrow. Because guess what? There isn't if you and your team aren't successful. 4. Without great design you are nowhere. Encourage Ed Welburn and his talented group to keep doing exactly what they've been doing - blowing the roof of the place with drop-dead gorgeous work - and then stay out of the way. 5. Destroy the Dullards. There are still way too many people at GM who - if given the opportunity - will get in the way of meaningful change and progress if they're allowed to rear their ugly heads. They must be eradicated, or kept as far away from the product as possible until they can be. 6. Come up with a consistent set of ingredients that every GM vehicle must have no matter what the price point. I'll give you the first one - make sure it's lively and fun to drive - please. 7. The bean counters are there to assist you in bringing great products to market at competitive prices, otherwise they need to stay the hell out of the way. 8. You now have unfettered access to some of the most talented people in this business. Make sure they live up to their promise every damn day. 9. "Good Enough" are the two words you never want to hear uttered again. Make it a fireable offense. 10. It's all about the product. Nothing else matters.- PMD (12/9)

 

Scary Good. The most talked about car at the L.A. Auto Show, hands down? No it wasn't the minimalist Porsche Boxster Spyder, or the Buick Regal, or Chevy Cruze or Cadillac CTS Coupe, or even the new Ford Fiesta. It was the fourth-generation 2011 Hyundai Sonata. It's that good. (12/9)

 

They don't refer to Porsche as The Greed Merchants for nothing, folks. From the "Thank You, Sir, May I Have Another" File, speaking of the Porsche Boxster Spyder - the no a/c, no radio, no power top, lightweight Boxster - getting back to the minimalist sports car idea is a noble quest, and we liked the sounds of it and love the looks of it. That is until we saw that Porsche jacked-up the price of the Spyder in typical Porsche fashion to the point that all it elicits from us now is WTF? $3200 over the standard Boxster S and almost a whopping $14,000 over the standard Boxster, to save 176 pounds? (12/9)

 

From "The More You Talk, The Worse It Gets" File. Publisher's Note: Sergio Marchionne tells the press in Washington this past Monday that, "We are not planning any miracles at Chrysler..." Oh, really, Sergio? And you don't think doubling sales in five years and adding almost five points of market share by 2014 constitutes a miracle? This after your sales continue to be in the dumper and you keep piling incentive cash on top of incentive cash to move the vehicles you have? You really need to get a grip, Sergio, because not only is your credibility at stake, but you're starting to sound a little whacky... – PMD (12/9)

 

WE'RE OPENING THE VAULT!

The AE wearables are back - and only in extremely limited quantities and sizes, we might add - and once they're gone, they're gone! We're starting with our most popular items, the classic AE Sweatshirt and AE Hat. Click on a PayPal button below to order yours now! (If you prefer to pay by check, please send us an email with AE STORE in the subject line, and we'll reserve your item.)

AE Sweatshirt - Crewneck, sturdy 80/20 cotton/poly, in black with throwback lettering - the original AE logo in our Chiller typeface shown above. Size XL only. 40 bucks, including shipping. US orders only.

AE Hat - Black with throwback lettering - the original AE logo in our Chiller typeface shown above. 25 bucks, including shipping. US orders only.

 

Publisher's Note: Check-out John McElroy's daily news show covering everything about the auto biz by clicking on the graphic below. Good stuff guaranteed. - PMD

 

See another live episode of "Autoline After Hours" hosted by Autoline Detroit's John McElroy, with Peter De Lorenzo and friends this Thursday evening, at 7:00PM EDT at www.autolinedetroit.tv.

 

By the way, if you'd like to subscribe to the Autoline After Hours podcasts, click on the following links:

 

Subscribe via iTunes:

http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=311421319

Subscribe via RSS:

http://www.autolinedetroit.tv/podcasts/feeds/afterhours-audio.xml

Article originally appeared on Autoextremist.com ~ the bare-knuckled, unvarnished, high-electron truth... (http://www.autoextremist.com/).