Editor’s Note: Due to an unforeseen set of circumstances, Peter has been temporarily “removed” from society and confined to an undisclosed location for “reprogramming.” But he did find the time, remarkably enough, to update “On the Table”, “Fumes” and “The Line” this week before his forced departure. Enjoy! -WG
By Peter M. DeLorenzo
An Undisclosed Location, somewhere in Metro Detroit. Sometimes, the powers that be get a little too pissed-off for words. Over the years, my rantings have caused quite of bit of consternation and hand-wringing in this business, to the point that my so-called “friends” have become few and far between. Not surprising, I suppose, but nonetheless my writing can have consequences, like this week, for instance.
The last thing I remember was that as I walked out of Starbucks at about 6:15 a.m. after getting a Vente Americano, I was approached by a nondescript middle-aged guy dressed all in black, who said, “Are you Peter DeLorenzo?” Now, I often get that quite a bit around here, so I said, “Yes,” figuring it was a reader. I suddenly felt a sting in my neck and the next thing I knew I woke up in a darkened room secured to a chair, with a single spotlight over me.
I groggily thought to myself, “WTF?” As I realized I was being restrained, I took a minute to come to grips with my surroundings. It was pitch black everywhere except for the intense LED light I was under; I thought I could make out the faint outline of a picture window in front of me, but I wasn’t sure. I could also sense that it was freezing cold, even though I was bathed in the glow of the intense lighting.
“Mr. DeLorenzo,” an electronically altered voice uttered my name.
“What the fuck is going on here?” I barked back. Needless to say, I was royally pissed-off.
“Mr. DeLorenzo, you have been remanded to this facility for observation… and reprogramming.”
“What? Reprogramming? Why?” My grogginess was rapidly disappearing into intense agitation.
“We have identified certain advocates of the Internal Combustion Engine movement who are beginning to cause problems for us.”
“Who is 'we'? Is this some kind of a joke?”
“It is definitely not a joke, Mr. DeLorenzo. The 'we' I am referring to is ELECTRONIS. We are funded by a consortium of automakers, battery manufacturers and others connected to the business with a vested interest in accelerating the mass adoption of Battery Electric Vehicles. And you, quite simply, are in the way.”
“This is some sort of bullshit. Untie me right now.”
“That is not possible, Mr. DeLorenzo. I’m afraid you’re going to be here for a while. But first, a question. You have been down this road before, haven’t you? Weren’t you a guest of the state back in 1976 for another incident of deprogramming?”
(Ah yes, I thought to myself. The time when I was such a speed scofflaw that the State of Michigan sent me to a double-secret program to “cure” me of my relentless speeding. I was hooked up to a Ford Pinto Pony MPG simulator in an office building in Lansing for eight hours a day for one full week, and whenever I exceeded the 55mph speed limit, I was subjected to an immediate electric shock of considerable strength. When I wasn’t doing that, I was confined to a blank gray windowless room with an air mattress and was subjected to early 60s black and white driver training films projected on the wall on a continuous loop. After I was dropped off back at my apartment it took my buddies a week to coax any complete sentences out of me. Needless to say, it was B-A-D.)
“You guys are good. Yes, that really happened to me. But this is 2021, and you guys – whoever you are – are going to be subjected to some serious consequences when I get out of here.”
“That is amusing, Mr. DeLorenzo, but clearly impossible because, you see, we simply don’t exist. And this never happened. And when – and if – you’re returned to your life, you will have difficulty piecing together any of this.”
“So, what are you going to do, threaten me with bodily harm if I don’t tout BEVs to the positive degree you’re expecting?”
“The short answer? Yes.”
With that, three screens, a steering wheel and a pedal set rose up out of the floor. It was the slickest driving simulator I have ever seen. Suddenly, my restraints fell away.
“Stand up and grip the wheel, Mr. DeLorenzo.”
As I did, the chair I was in moved to the side and out of the way, and a perfectly ergonomic driver’s seat enveloped me.
“Now, sit down. Your first program today involves an 8-1/2-hour drive simulation to Elkhart Lake, Wisconsin. You will be required to ‘drive’ the entire way. You will be allowed bathroom breaks as necessary, but that is all. And you must adhere to all speed limits and traffic laws, etc.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!”
“I’m afraid we’re not. But you do have an array of EVs to choose from for your ‘journey.’”
“Oh, I can hardly wait for that. What are my choices?”
“Okay. Here they are: Chevrolet Bolt EUV, Mustang Mach-E, Tesla Model 3, Cadillac Lyriq, GMC HUMMER EV, Ford Lightning EV, Chevrolet Silverado EV, Volkswagen ID.4, Polestar 2, Kia Niro, Hyundai Kona, Nissan Leaf, Hyundai Ionic, Lucid AIR, Mercedes EQS and the Porsche Taycan.”
“Wow. What’s the difference?”
“Pick one and you’ll see. But first put on the VR goggles in front of you.”
“Okay. The Taycan.”
In about a minute, the entire Porsche I.P. and interior were in front of me.
“Okay, how about the HUMMER?”
Same thing, in about a minute, the entire I.P. and front seat environment were spread out before me.
“Nice. So, I can go now, right? I get the joke.”
“You will be allowed to go after you complete your ‘journey.’"
Shit. This was really pissing me off.
“Fine. Give me the Lyriq then.”
The Lyriq I.P and interior surrounded me.
“One more thing, Mr. DeLorenzo.”
“What’s that?”
“It seems that your biggest complaint about EVs is the sound, or lack thereof. So, based upon your columns, we are offering you an array of programmable electric sounds to choose from.”
“Oh, I can hardly wait. There’s no way you’ll get that right.”
“A giant ‘we’ll see’ as you like to say, Mr. DeLorenzo. Here are your choices.”
“First, there’s the F1 Matra V12.”
“Okay, you have my attention.”
“Next, is the Ford Cosworth DFV. Then, the F1 Honda V12. The pushrod Mercedes-Benz Indy V8. The Honda F1 V10. And finally, a big-block Chevrolet Can-Am V8.”
“I see you’ve done your homework. Nicely done.”
“Yes indeed. So, what is your selection?”
“Well… I have a huge problem with all of this.”
“Why?”
“That’s the entire point. Without enhanced, projected electronic sounds, these EVs all sound like glorified slot cars. So, every automaker has to come up with a ‘sound signature’ that will define them going forward. And I don’t see these companies doing that. I mean, the Taycan sound enhancement sounds like a muted vacuum cleaner. Not. Good. Enough. That would be my priority No. 1 for these EV manufacturers.”
“Duly noted. So, what is your choice today?”
“For an 8-1/2-hour drive simulation to Elkhart Lake? I have to be able to switch off between those sounds, or I won’t make it.”
“So be it. You can begin any time you’re ready. We will also provide water, coffee and minimal snacks. You will have to stop for charging about 300 miles in. Good Luck.”
With that, I was off and running on down I-94 in no time, headed west. I started with the sound of the Cosworth DFV…
Nine hours later (after a 45-minute stop for recharging), I was driving by Road America on the left and arrived in downtown Elkhart Lake five minutes later. Yeah, there were times when I was speeding, and piercingly loud alarms went off, but that was it. I sampled all of the “sounds” at my disposal too, finishing up with my favorite, the Can-Am Chevy V8, of course.
Other than that, the drive was uneventful – and boring, as driving to Elkhart Lake is – with typical seamless EV composure and smoothness. But strangely uninvolving and with a detached bemusement.
Did I learn anything I didn’t already know? No, of course not. EVs are the coming reality. They make the most sense in the urban arena, but I remain unconvinced of their efficacy on road trips. No one wants to stop that long on an already long trip. As far as I’m concerned, unless and until you can pull over and fully charge your EV in ten minutes or less, it’s an ongoing development project. And the sound (or sounds) is a critical issue that has not been addressed, at least nowhere near to my satisfaction, at any rate.
After I finished the drive, I expected the lights to go up and to be ushered out into the reality of a harsh sunlight. Instead, the lights went out and I was enveloped in darkness, followed by another sting in my neck.
I woke up in the back of an SUV that I had never been in before, and I was in front of the same Starbucks. It was exactly 24 hours later.
“You have arrived, Sir,” the driver said.
I slowly emerged from what turned out to be a Black Aston Martin DBX. A bit foggy to be sure, hungry and very thirsty. I ordered the same Vente Americano from the same guy as the day before. It was like Groundhog Day all over again… a long strange trip indeed.
And that’s the High-Octane/Electron Truth for this week.